30.03.10

new area. new house. new routine.

i'm engulfed in the newness of things. And as someone who despises change - i'm dealing with the sheer realization that everything has changed.

don't get me wrong - a lot of it for the better.

but this new life - sure feels different.

21.01.10

it's amazing how fast things can happen when you and your partner are on the same page and share the chemical reaction of a singular wavelength.

today is the 21st of january. this month has been busier than the last 6 months of our combined lives. we decided to move locales - from mississauga to the eastern most part of toronto. the conversation was had on the 3rd. M being himself, once the decision to move was made, he was ready to jump into the real estate market and buy a place. that was on the 7th. we saw our first houses on 12th, put an offer on one spell binding house on the 13th. lost said house much to our utter and complete dismay (i felt gutted for the next 24 hours). found an equally ah.mazing house on the same street on the 16th. put an offer in and beat the crowds on that one.

the house closes on march 17th.
this place is beautimous to say the least.
1 street down from the lakefront *my dream of living by the water is here*
5 mins to the metro
20 mins from downtown via an express
7 mins from M's brother
10 mns from my folks *insert happy dance here*
15mins from bestie + 1 *insert 30million dollar dance here*
2300sq feet of light and hardwood
and shimmering dreams
i can't wait for the summer livin'....

sigh.
this.year.is. already. kicking. 2009's. kundi.
and i like it :)

the last week however has been insane. we've been prepping our condo for sale. and tonight once my beloved bookcases are moved into storage with 10 massive crates of books - things will calm down a little. and M and I will hopefully find a few moments to grab a drink and celebrate our largest purchase as a couple.

i'm definitely going to use this blog to document the 2010 journey in the hopes of committing it to memory. so stay tuned.

this is me....right now.

- stressed and ready to yank every strand of hair on my head - right after i chew my fingers to nubs. its incredible how the tide moves you when it comes to the ebb and flow of our workloads in the ad biz. christmas is two point five weeks away - and we've got massive waves of work moving through our studio.

- feeling ridiculously low on christmas spirit this year. the tree went up at home - a gorgeous piece of well-designed pink/purple and green magic - and i felt, nothing. the neighbors turned on all 300,000 award-winning lights on their front lawn, blinding the better part of the durham region -- yet, the holiday spirit is still hiding from me. Usually i'm THAT annoying person when it comes to christmas time gift buying - i make lists, i check them twice, buy more than i planned, wrap copious amounts of things - and this time - nothing. I am so border-line Scrooge-like - not with the cheapness but with the attitude, it's alarming. 'Bah Humbug' - maybe i need a double shot of scotch?

- still recovering from some strain of the swine flu. thanks to my shoddy immune system, i'm left with a nasty cough that rears its phlemy head at the most awkward (re:inappropriate) moments in life.

- ready for a break (from myself and my thoughts)

- not ready for winter and its icy caress.

- unhappy that i have to wear socks now. that is the cherry on top of my disappointment pie.

- thrilled that i'm going to be an aunty. for. the. first. time. inthis-especiallyspecial-way. Actually scratch aunty, i'm going to be a periamma. And I can't tell you how many times I've rolled my eyes when I've heard that before - but now, with this little bean, I'm ready to be called Periamma in public. THAT's lowe.

- considering buying a pair of UGGS but completely unsure if its age appropriate.

- distressed that i'm thinking in terms of "age appropriate" attire. wtf. now, i feel old.

- battling a constant surge of tiredness + lethargy.

- hiding from the gym. i. must. return.

- craving some okra. except i don't even know how to buy them, let alone cook them up.

- freezing cold on the inside.

- not looking forward to a week filled with holiday 'work' parties. they come disguised as 'fun times' when in reality its just a meeting in a black dress + heels

- dying for something great to read. any recommends would be greatly appreciated.

- going to punch someone if they ask me (again) when it will be my turn to have a baby.

- seriously considering committing to this baby making process. but first, getting healthy needs to happen. according to my voice of reason - its mind over matter.

- trying to bribe someone to watch precious with me. my good friend Oprah told me I should. Apparently the rest of the world didn't get that memo.

- wishing i had a yoga buddy who lived in the area. it sucks being away from my family.

- realizing that i'm getting older and perhaps it's time to refocus on myself. i hate mature realizations. cue gagging sfx here.

- most importantly, craving something, anything with bacon on it.

this year

has flown by. And between all the events that have consumed my mind -
today, i realized something - i forgot to move forward in my own life.

not a complaint. not a regret.
just an observation.

perhaps, 2010 will be the year of jana.
because in 2009, she got shuffled and a bit misplaced.

*sigh*

being sick

sucks. especially when you've been bed ridden for over 6 days - including a weekend where one fantabulous wedding + 3 dinner parties had to be missed. and you don't get to see your fam in over 6 days. and you know that you will return to work at some point this week, perfectly accessorized with an ugly hacking cough.

fml.

so what makes this feeling better?

one amma.
who drove 57 kms.
with 5 tupperware dishes.
lovingly cocooning - home cooked goodness.

sure, she couldn't stay - but eating her food
and feeling that rasam race down my throat
i felt like all will be okay in my world.
soon.

---

THIS makes me feel unbelievably loved.

thirty. two.

part deux.

this year, i'm going to give myself 3 'little' things to focus on.

1. Getting healthy.

2. Moving forward.

3. Laughing. Lots.

more on all three to follow, although i do think they are quite self explanatory. i think i will have to break them down into SMART goals though - just so i set some very clear expectations for myself.

--

it's already november! wtf! this year has whizzed by. and the first day back at work after 10 days off - is painful, regardless of how much you adore your job.

thirty two.

i can't believe i'm so old.

here are thirty two things i'd like to remember when i look back on this blog - as i'm sure i will, since i'm slowly starting to lose my mind. This is of course a random list.

--
1. Love is hard work. Whoever told me that love is easy and uncomplicated needs to stop lying. Really, stop lying, right now. In my world, any relationship with real love, the weighty kind, involves tons of work – as it should. That’s why the older I got, the smaller my inner circle became. And that invisible line between the ‘people I know’ and the ‘people I love’ became more obvious than it was before.

2. Sisters are the world’s best invention. First they were my playmates. Then my arch rivals. Then the *itches that stole my shit. Then my partners in crime. My shoulders to lean on. My security blankets. My besties. And still, the only people that can paint a smile on my face, when I’m at my coldest.

3. It is always darkest before the dawn. So, hold on even when you feel like the day might never break.

4. Those after-school specials are right – dreams can come true. The only caveat – you have to make them come true. Yup, there’s that thing called ‘work’ again.

5. What goes around – always comes right back around. I remind myself of that every time, the evilminime, wants a moment to shine.

6. Family is a state of mind. So never let the world tell you that blood is thicker than water. (although on rare occasions it can be)

7. Marriage is easy. Love is hard work. Being in love and being married is a rough combination. At the best of times it’s like walking a tight rope. It’s hard to remember the sparkle and shine when you are caught up in the drag of everyday life. My reminder: that swoon-inducing, melt-worthy smile. And of course it helps when you marry someone that perfectly integrates themselves into your perspective and continues to sprinkle all sorts of goodness into your life on a daily basis. I am so lucky to have found him. (okay, i just mini barfed - moving on)

8. You can and should do what you love. Life is too short to be stuck in a career that you can’t stand.

9. Time flies. All those days when I used to complain about how every minute felt like a lifetime – yea, those days are gone. Time is on fast forward now. Serves. Me. Right.

10. Friends are always more important than money.

11. Standards are a good thing. Knowing what you want helps you navigate through a world of a trillion mediocre offers.

12. Always use your internal moral compass to gauge your life. What the aunties will think and say, should never determine your actions. It took me a long time to learn that.

13. Being brown is just like being a girl. It’s a constant uphill battle of trying to figure out how things work and where things fit. So don’t overthink it – just embrace it. On some days, I still watch the clash of expectations from the sidelines: c’est la vie.

14. H20 rocks.

15. It’s okay to spend on life’s frills, especially if it helps you have a better day.

16. Invest in yourself. And not just financially.

17. I’ve learned that I have to put myself on the ‘to do’ list. And of course, I must remember to be kind to myself.

18. My parents are amazing people. The older I get, the more I realize that as I experience them in different capacities.

19. Books used to be my entertainment – now they are my escape.

20. Words are the next best thing to my family in this life.

21. See the world when you can. Grab every opportunity. Because sometimes putting things off for tomorrow is akin to taking it off the list.

22. Create a bucket list. Or a five-year list. I re-look at mine every year to re-evaluate things. I learned this from the goal-oriented & accomplishment-driven hubs.

23. Be thankful for everything you have. Including the half assed pinky toe your dad gave you. I am.

24. Don’t ever get peer pressured into doing something that you aren’t ready to do. Wearing neon yellow tights and making babies should only happen when and if you are ready for them.

25. Your past will always leak into your present – and hence your future. So come to terms with it – because it NEVER goes away.

26. Learning how to “time out” yourself is HUGE. Especially with my quick to flare temper.


27. Laughter is a pretty good medicine. However, a good cry is sometimes the BEST medicine. So go ahead, have a good weep. It’s good for your skin too!

28. Love yourself. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget that.

29. Being a female is a wonderful journey. Sure you get your period. Sure you have glass ceilings to deal with. Sure you have to deal with loads of suffocating expectations – but at the end of the day – being a woman can be a lovely experience. All you have to do is be yourself.

30. I heart my mom now more than I ever have before. I understand her on a much deeper level, ever since I became a wife. And I’m certain that all of it will change and grow if and when I become someone’s mother. She is strong, courageous and has an incredibly resilient spirit. I hope I grow up to be her one day.

31. Life. Is. Precious. And is oftentimes found in the small moments tucked away behind and in-between milestones. Celebrate those. Actually, celebrate something every day – being alive should be a beautiful thing. I’m still learning this.

32. Believe in something – a higher power, in living a life filled with hope, in being open to the energy of the world, in being a good person, in finding your purpose in life. Whatever it may be, make sure – You. Believe. In. Something.

--

the biggest lesson i've learned so far is this: take a chance. i don't think i'd have most of the things i do right now if i hadn't jumped out of my comfort zone and tried something that scared the living daylights out of me. Case in point, getting married, switching careers and so many little things in between.

ohkay - time to go start my big ole birthday. the next post will be about the three things i hope to accomplish this year. small goals people - small goals. old people can only handle little morsels of change. or so i've been told.