when you are all alone, does anyone ever hear it?
what if it broke as you were leaving your marital bed, one you've shared for decades, or aeons in your life, worn sheet in hand, palm held to chest - wailing.
wails are strange noises. unaccompanied by tears. gutteral. un.ignorable.
and he didn't ignore them or deny the accusations. his silence confirmed her worst fears.decades dismissed by a flitter of fresh-faced fancy. she knew. and he was glad that she knew because he vehemently believed in continuing on the path of his singular joy.
"what now.." she whispered...the question struggling to get out, muffled between dreams dashed and freshly sprung tears..
"i don't believe in divorce". matter of fact, giving nothing away. no apology, no expectation - just the truth.
and in the middle of the night, between tears that mourned her dreams of a happy old age, they made kalkals. Both sets of hands kneading the dough, mixed earlier in the day - the part untouched by this new disease. They rolled it together on their worn granite counter, the clink of a fork the only sound between them. Eyes averted, lips sealed, they grieved for the veneer they lost, silently.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Inspired by
the ever-effervescent Sibil.
What are your nicknames?
Jans, Jana-Gana-Mana, Jenna-girl, J-bird, Radhey (musically, of course), Radhakka (my fave),mahaley (swoonworthy - unless it's my dad after he's found a credit card bill...) and the standard kunju/kutti..
What TV game show or reality show would you like to be on?
Dragon's Den. I have these crazy half-baked ideas that would definitely hike up the entertainment value of that show - the guy with the recyclable pizza containers - he's got NOTHING on me :)
And I could totally rock the Canadian Idol try-out bloopers!
What was the first movie you bought in VHS and DVD?
VHS: Oh gosh, I think it might be Sound of Music when I was like 8
DVD: I can't remember for the life of me. My fave dvd though is the Sex and the City box set fosho!
What is your favorite scent?
Incanto, Shine by Salvatore Ferragamo - reminds me of my honeymoon in italy (pretty and passion-filled)
If you had one million dollars to spend only on yourself, what would you spend it on?
ooooh, dangerous question. I'd buy "around the world" trips for my inner circle or maybe a mini mansion in the city. Actually who am I kidding - I'd buy lots and lots of sour skittles. yum.
Do you trust easily?
Nope, not at all. I used to though - too much, too soon. These days, I expect people to earn my trust as they do my respect.
Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think?
I'm an extremist. So i either overthink things and miss the cue to react in a timely manner - or I jump the gun and then am forced to focus on damage control. Obviously being balanced is not a current character trait - maybe in the future though!
Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes. The fact that the world around me is aging. Sadly, in my head, I'm living a peter pan lifestyle. But something's amiss. the rose coloured glasses must be fading because the stark realities of this life are slowly creeping up on me.
Do you have a good body image?
I used to. All the time. And these days, I feel slightly removed from that topic. Not sure why. Another 2009 resolution perhaps - be kind to the body - after all it lets the mind create the world it envisions.
What is your favorite fruit?
Right now - raspberries & pomegranate.
Consistently - papaya's, rambutan, mangoes & pomegranate.
Which Web sites do you visit daily?
thestar.com, time.com, facebook.com, bloglines.
What have you been seriously addicted to lately?
Balzac's organic blend, a never ending search for gray nailpolish (not silver people but gray), books (i'm back to devouring anything my eyes feast on)
What's the last song that got stuck in your head?
Sadly, womanizer. It's because she repeats it 38 gazillion times in 4 minutes and I just heard it on my way into work.
What is your favorite thing to wear?
I'm with Sibil on this one - a sari. I don't get too many occasions to rock 'em but, I take immense pleasure when i do. six yards of homespun goodness - sigh. On the regular, I'm in love with my lululemon pants - its the one staple in my closet.
Do you think Rice Krispies treats are yummy?
Love them once they are made and carefully wrapped in cling wrap. Can't stand watching them being made - *shudders*
What would you do if you saw $100 lying on the ground?
a) not tell my folks (they'd make me turn it in)
b) not tell my husband (he'd expect me to put it towards something responsible)
c) put it towards dinner with the sistrens or something of that nature
d) buy 50 bags of sour skittles....hmmm
What items couldn't you go without during the day?
Tangible: my laptop, my coffee, my midnight pomegranate lotion
Intangible: Integrity. And passion. I make sure that everyday I feel passionate about something in my life. It's the only thing that makes the rat race worthwhile :)
What are your nicknames?
Jans, Jana-Gana-Mana, Jenna-girl, J-bird, Radhey (musically, of course), Radhakka (my fave),mahaley (swoonworthy - unless it's my dad after he's found a credit card bill...) and the standard kunju/kutti..
What TV game show or reality show would you like to be on?
Dragon's Den. I have these crazy half-baked ideas that would definitely hike up the entertainment value of that show - the guy with the recyclable pizza containers - he's got NOTHING on me :)
And I could totally rock the Canadian Idol try-out bloopers!
What was the first movie you bought in VHS and DVD?
VHS: Oh gosh, I think it might be Sound of Music when I was like 8
DVD: I can't remember for the life of me. My fave dvd though is the Sex and the City box set fosho!
What is your favorite scent?
Incanto, Shine by Salvatore Ferragamo - reminds me of my honeymoon in italy (pretty and passion-filled)
If you had one million dollars to spend only on yourself, what would you spend it on?
ooooh, dangerous question. I'd buy "around the world" trips for my inner circle or maybe a mini mansion in the city. Actually who am I kidding - I'd buy lots and lots of sour skittles. yum.
Do you trust easily?
Nope, not at all. I used to though - too much, too soon. These days, I expect people to earn my trust as they do my respect.
Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think?
I'm an extremist. So i either overthink things and miss the cue to react in a timely manner - or I jump the gun and then am forced to focus on damage control. Obviously being balanced is not a current character trait - maybe in the future though!
Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes. The fact that the world around me is aging. Sadly, in my head, I'm living a peter pan lifestyle. But something's amiss. the rose coloured glasses must be fading because the stark realities of this life are slowly creeping up on me.
Do you have a good body image?
I used to. All the time. And these days, I feel slightly removed from that topic. Not sure why. Another 2009 resolution perhaps - be kind to the body - after all it lets the mind create the world it envisions.
What is your favorite fruit?
Right now - raspberries & pomegranate.
Consistently - papaya's, rambutan, mangoes & pomegranate.
Which Web sites do you visit daily?
thestar.com, time.com, facebook.com, bloglines.
What have you been seriously addicted to lately?
Balzac's organic blend, a never ending search for gray nailpolish (not silver people but gray), books (i'm back to devouring anything my eyes feast on)
What's the last song that got stuck in your head?
Sadly, womanizer. It's because she repeats it 38 gazillion times in 4 minutes and I just heard it on my way into work.
What is your favorite thing to wear?
I'm with Sibil on this one - a sari. I don't get too many occasions to rock 'em but, I take immense pleasure when i do. six yards of homespun goodness - sigh. On the regular, I'm in love with my lululemon pants - its the one staple in my closet.
Do you think Rice Krispies treats are yummy?
Love them once they are made and carefully wrapped in cling wrap. Can't stand watching them being made - *shudders*
What would you do if you saw $100 lying on the ground?
a) not tell my folks (they'd make me turn it in)
b) not tell my husband (he'd expect me to put it towards something responsible)
c) put it towards dinner with the sistrens or something of that nature
d) buy 50 bags of sour skittles....hmmm
What items couldn't you go without during the day?
Tangible: my laptop, my coffee, my midnight pomegranate lotion
Intangible: Integrity. And passion. I make sure that everyday I feel passionate about something in my life. It's the only thing that makes the rat race worthwhile :)
like messages
on steamed mirrors, everything's starting to fray a little. I'm not sure if it's old age knocking against the walls of my cerebrum or if it's something else. Something much more serious. A willful desire maybe ? A conscious effort to erase things and pretend like they never existed ? But, why? The reason escapes me. I've never wanted to forget...in fact, I've tried hard to hold on to every nuance of those spell binding years. Trying to reach back into the crevices of my mind and pull out scents, sounds, textures - but like moss-slick pebbles nestled in a bed of rocks, they've been hard to extract and harder to hold on to.
i guess that's what happens as you grow up and grow out of that fated phase of always looking inward. introspection, another vice.
it worries me. this slow and painful leak. silent yet filled with sound. i can't bear the thought of forgetting all those moments. the good, the bad and the fat, bulbous ones brimming with one hundred and one ill-fated characteristics. i cherish the times, when i find myself re-examining an old memory. those sepia-toned ones that coerce my feelers to caress every nook and cranny, re-learning the way my past has glued the pieces of my present together.
but yesterday, something fell. and while i dropped to my knees to frantically search for that lil' moment, something struck me.
I need to start writing those moments down.because the flip side is acting on them. I must write things down - so as to preserve them in all their nostalgic glory. and more importantly, to prevent them from birthing new realities.
in my mind, they were captured in glass jars like exotic butterflies with wings clipped - to be examined but never fully enjoyed. the sheer fear of losing them, breaking a jar or upsetting the precariously held beings of my past - is terrifying.
and that's why i reached out. i did the unthinkable last week. i did what i said i would never do. i found a long forgotten piece of our puzzle. and then i hit send. damn the internet. damn the ease with which you can reach out - vulnerable yet removed. the last time i saw her was on my terms. She was a vivacious little thing - sparkling brown pools questioning everything, creamy skin and the cheeks we share. she's on facebook and in university. doing law. we talked about that in hushed whispers when she was little. between games, sandwiched between dreams. sisters of the heart. and out of sheer whim, i broke a jar unintentionally. and one little forgotten butterfly enjoyed it's moment in the wind. i messaged her - no ties, arms stiff, mind dry, eyes - blinded by a foolish heart.
secretly.
in response, another part of her puzzle called my house and in no uncertain terms informed us that - there was nothing there.
the ties that once bound our families - no longer existed. i knew that there was no love lost - over time we'd all learned how to move on. but at that moment, i re-learned something again - blood isn't thicker than water. i will always love my mom in a special way because i know what it feels like to have siblings i adore. she gave me what she never had. and that's something i'm incredibly grateful for.
in hindsight, i know it's not that simple. one message can't undo years of unspoken hurt - flittering across oceans, ebbing and flowing in the silences that we've mutually shared. where did the words go all those years ago....and maybe that's why they need to be written before they're acted upon. because atleast that way, i can always go back and check to see the back story on something before i take a leap of faith and end up on my kundi.
--
wow, two things. both scary experiences. this verbal vomit that's cleared my cerebrum - a present for facing both fears. it was starting to cloud things. getting me weepy. but i feel like i haven't written in forever. and the fear of a blank page - electronic or not - was a hurdle unto itself.
i can only hope the language returns. like riding a bike one would say. except, i never understood that. because well, i never did learn how to ride a bike.
i guess that's what happens as you grow up and grow out of that fated phase of always looking inward. introspection, another vice.
it worries me. this slow and painful leak. silent yet filled with sound. i can't bear the thought of forgetting all those moments. the good, the bad and the fat, bulbous ones brimming with one hundred and one ill-fated characteristics. i cherish the times, when i find myself re-examining an old memory. those sepia-toned ones that coerce my feelers to caress every nook and cranny, re-learning the way my past has glued the pieces of my present together.
but yesterday, something fell. and while i dropped to my knees to frantically search for that lil' moment, something struck me.
I need to start writing those moments down.because the flip side is acting on them. I must write things down - so as to preserve them in all their nostalgic glory. and more importantly, to prevent them from birthing new realities.
in my mind, they were captured in glass jars like exotic butterflies with wings clipped - to be examined but never fully enjoyed. the sheer fear of losing them, breaking a jar or upsetting the precariously held beings of my past - is terrifying.
and that's why i reached out. i did the unthinkable last week. i did what i said i would never do. i found a long forgotten piece of our puzzle. and then i hit send. damn the internet. damn the ease with which you can reach out - vulnerable yet removed. the last time i saw her was on my terms. She was a vivacious little thing - sparkling brown pools questioning everything, creamy skin and the cheeks we share. she's on facebook and in university. doing law. we talked about that in hushed whispers when she was little. between games, sandwiched between dreams. sisters of the heart. and out of sheer whim, i broke a jar unintentionally. and one little forgotten butterfly enjoyed it's moment in the wind. i messaged her - no ties, arms stiff, mind dry, eyes - blinded by a foolish heart.
secretly.
in response, another part of her puzzle called my house and in no uncertain terms informed us that - there was nothing there.
the ties that once bound our families - no longer existed. i knew that there was no love lost - over time we'd all learned how to move on. but at that moment, i re-learned something again - blood isn't thicker than water. i will always love my mom in a special way because i know what it feels like to have siblings i adore. she gave me what she never had. and that's something i'm incredibly grateful for.
in hindsight, i know it's not that simple. one message can't undo years of unspoken hurt - flittering across oceans, ebbing and flowing in the silences that we've mutually shared. where did the words go all those years ago....and maybe that's why they need to be written before they're acted upon. because atleast that way, i can always go back and check to see the back story on something before i take a leap of faith and end up on my kundi.
--
wow, two things. both scary experiences. this verbal vomit that's cleared my cerebrum - a present for facing both fears. it was starting to cloud things. getting me weepy. but i feel like i haven't written in forever. and the fear of a blank page - electronic or not - was a hurdle unto itself.
i can only hope the language returns. like riding a bike one would say. except, i never understood that. because well, i never did learn how to ride a bike.
Friday, November 21, 2008
shakin' off...
and sweepin' off them cobwebs.
I can't believe how terribly neglectful I've been in regards to my little online haven. I think it's time to dust this baby up and give 'er a good ole' shining. There's absolutely nothing a little windex can't cure.
I'm going to make a real, concerted effort to be back more often - and post more frequently. I miss the emotional relief this friend brought into my life and I'm going to recreate the "woo" in our relationship.
stay tuned.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
mildly bruised
but still edible.
That's how i feel about this adjustment period. I feel akin to a barely ripe mango in a box with several others on a wobbly old truck - travelling on the mangled back roads of Negombo.
It's amazing how much I've learned about myself in the last few weeks. The things that i'm willing to put up with, compromise on, stand steadfast on, fight for have all evolved over such a short period of time. It's like jana v.2007 just got an update and I'm still trying to integrate this new program into the standardized environment. By no means do i know it all - heck, on most days, i feel like i've barely crossed over into this new world. One foot nervously sits on the new side of this gateway while the other wiggles its toes and buries itself in the familiar.
I guess that's human nature - you tend to become attached to the markers of your life.
That's how i feel about this adjustment period. I feel akin to a barely ripe mango in a box with several others on a wobbly old truck - travelling on the mangled back roads of Negombo.
It's amazing how much I've learned about myself in the last few weeks. The things that i'm willing to put up with, compromise on, stand steadfast on, fight for have all evolved over such a short period of time. It's like jana v.2007 just got an update and I'm still trying to integrate this new program into the standardized environment. By no means do i know it all - heck, on most days, i feel like i've barely crossed over into this new world. One foot nervously sits on the new side of this gateway while the other wiggles its toes and buries itself in the familiar.
I guess that's human nature - you tend to become attached to the markers of your life.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The soundtrack
placed in the parameters of my context - this still makes more sense than much else.
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
-- Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
Fergie!?!? I know! Who would've thunk that something she penned would ever make sense in my life. But it does - for now atleast.
Big, fat drops of rain left me drenched this morning and yet - there's serenity. Mostly because tonight is my night to go home - where the gap closes for a brief moment and I feel exactly as I should - wholesome yet me.
I wonder what I'll miss about Mikey this week. Last week I woke up on friday with a slight inkling that I might've missed his arm cushioning my head. It's one of the discoveries of marriage - I keep finding new ways that communicate this love.
It's thursday :)
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
-- Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
Fergie!?!? I know! Who would've thunk that something she penned would ever make sense in my life. But it does - for now atleast.
Big, fat drops of rain left me drenched this morning and yet - there's serenity. Mostly because tonight is my night to go home - where the gap closes for a brief moment and I feel exactly as I should - wholesome yet me.
I wonder what I'll miss about Mikey this week. Last week I woke up on friday with a slight inkling that I might've missed his arm cushioning my head. It's one of the discoveries of marriage - I keep finding new ways that communicate this love.
It's thursday :)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Attached.
and adjusting.
This too will evolve. And that my dear friends is the only certainty as of 5:34pm on a wednesday evening.
This too will evolve. And that my dear friends is the only certainty as of 5:34pm on a wednesday evening.
Monday, May 28, 2007
May 28 2007
17 days to go.
Woah.
Right now, the only feelings I can accurately identify are those of fear. Everything's got me emotional - it's like i'm all tied up on the inside and everything opens those flood gates. My tear ducts are worn out - overused like coochies on Queen street hoes - willing to spread eagle and let their essence flow at the drop of a dime. Sad, but it's true. In the last few months, I've become that which i despise the most: an overly emotional suck.
The knowledge that a new chapter waits to be written is terrifying. My innards feel frozen - held firmly in a steadfast grip. And sensing my hesitation, my fingers convulse. The pen waiting to be guided with no guidance at all. Ink splatters bring the inside to the outside - a public announcement of this benumbed state.
Me? Married? In 17 Days?
Heart, don't fail me now.
A thousand half baked thoughts rush through my head:
* What will the 17th of June look like once the euphoria of the wedding(s) wear off?
* Me, someone's wife? Are they being for real?
* Leaving home, where my heart is, to move to another person's home?
* My dad...the sweetness of waking to know that he is merely 2 doors and 6 steps to the right of me. Now what?
* My mom's foaming morning coffee and her special dose of motherly jocularity - on a scale of 1 to 10 - how much will this ache, ache?
* Rashmi's reverberating music - my 5am dj - will i miss it or recreate it with an insomniac ipod?
* Kissing Rama's forehead in the morning, every morning before rushing out - a new ritual? or a picture that i lamely stare at?
* Lighting a lamp in my own sami room - who will i pray with? where will i pray?
* My routine will change..it will have to considering the location change
* Nothing will change at my home - my room will stay the same - except for one little technicality - I won't be in my bed everynight
* am i ready not just to love him but to love his family as wholly?
* Where will i put my stuff? not just the physical crap i've accumulated but the emotional bags i let slide in the comfort of my home.
And these are just thoughts for today. Every day this changes. Every moment feels charged by a thousand watts of un-suppressable energy.
I don't doubt my feelings for him - he is loved just as he is. What i do doubt is my ability to face a blank page - my ability to turn a page that i absolutely adore re-reading, re-digesting, re-affirming on a daily basis. I fear this clean slate. Another new beginning. Joy? Sure, somewhere admist the fear - it's what keeps this ball rolling.
But the sad thing is....Every new beginning is the end of something else.
And this time, it's the end of a very ritualistic existence that has inadvertantly defined me.
I know they won't love me less or vice versa - if anything, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in our case, that could mean the beginning of a deeper love amongst all five of us- but I'll miss them. I'll miss this feeling of being completely at ease, completely at home, completely me - 24x7.
18 more sleeps. I can only hope that tonight it wraps me tight and keeps me warm in the comfort of knowing that every friday night at least for the first 6 months while we wait for the condo - that i will return. to this sweet, sweet familiarity.
Woah.
Right now, the only feelings I can accurately identify are those of fear. Everything's got me emotional - it's like i'm all tied up on the inside and everything opens those flood gates. My tear ducts are worn out - overused like coochies on Queen street hoes - willing to spread eagle and let their essence flow at the drop of a dime. Sad, but it's true. In the last few months, I've become that which i despise the most: an overly emotional suck.
The knowledge that a new chapter waits to be written is terrifying. My innards feel frozen - held firmly in a steadfast grip. And sensing my hesitation, my fingers convulse. The pen waiting to be guided with no guidance at all. Ink splatters bring the inside to the outside - a public announcement of this benumbed state.
Me? Married? In 17 Days?
Heart, don't fail me now.
A thousand half baked thoughts rush through my head:
* What will the 17th of June look like once the euphoria of the wedding(s) wear off?
* Me, someone's wife? Are they being for real?
* Leaving home, where my heart is, to move to another person's home?
* My dad...the sweetness of waking to know that he is merely 2 doors and 6 steps to the right of me. Now what?
* My mom's foaming morning coffee and her special dose of motherly jocularity - on a scale of 1 to 10 - how much will this ache, ache?
* Rashmi's reverberating music - my 5am dj - will i miss it or recreate it with an insomniac ipod?
* Kissing Rama's forehead in the morning, every morning before rushing out - a new ritual? or a picture that i lamely stare at?
* Lighting a lamp in my own sami room - who will i pray with? where will i pray?
* My routine will change..it will have to considering the location change
* Nothing will change at my home - my room will stay the same - except for one little technicality - I won't be in my bed everynight
* am i ready not just to love him but to love his family as wholly?
* Where will i put my stuff? not just the physical crap i've accumulated but the emotional bags i let slide in the comfort of my home.
And these are just thoughts for today. Every day this changes. Every moment feels charged by a thousand watts of un-suppressable energy.
I don't doubt my feelings for him - he is loved just as he is. What i do doubt is my ability to face a blank page - my ability to turn a page that i absolutely adore re-reading, re-digesting, re-affirming on a daily basis. I fear this clean slate. Another new beginning. Joy? Sure, somewhere admist the fear - it's what keeps this ball rolling.
But the sad thing is....Every new beginning is the end of something else.
And this time, it's the end of a very ritualistic existence that has inadvertantly defined me.
I know they won't love me less or vice versa - if anything, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in our case, that could mean the beginning of a deeper love amongst all five of us- but I'll miss them. I'll miss this feeling of being completely at ease, completely at home, completely me - 24x7.
18 more sleeps. I can only hope that tonight it wraps me tight and keeps me warm in the comfort of knowing that every friday night at least for the first 6 months while we wait for the condo - that i will return. to this sweet, sweet familiarity.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
This year in review....
January 2006
engaged : slightly broke : incredibly confused : scared out of my mind : countless job interviews : extended family drama : hurt feelings : broken relationships : Gopi leaves on her Australian expedition : Rashmi’s sassy plum tank : Rammy’s return from SL/India : presents (like my painting) : the feeling of approaching adulthood : being the only adult clambering on the bunny hill : snow angels with mikey’s angels : a 2nd interview : followed by a 3rd at SCC : 25th started said job : ecstatic : surprised at being so lucky.
February 2006
Rama & Rammy turn 3 : Growing pains at above mentioned job : Rammy’s birthday: chill sessions with my most gorgeous daughter from another womb, Rakshaa : feelings of uncertainty slowly replaced by feelings of comfortable contentment : a Japanese inspired v-day celebration : my fave eternity necklace : the art of war : Rammy got 203 immortalized on his skin : Rammy’s birthday do at Jack’s : Danier for Aunty’s birthday : work, work and more work : Shivaratri : glad to be alive.
March 2006
Girly hair cuts : mother’s day celebration : gift cards made in haste for all three mommies : lunch with les and tera – pre-baby : more Rakshaa : a weekend at Kingston : culture show time : uni town/uni bar – it was apposite : shopping in Kingston : a funky fresh fantastic necklace : I would do me, certainly.
April 2006
Started the month out with a big leap & some big wedding decisions : booked a hall : bought my wedding dress (impulsively) : ‘Where’s your mom?’ – no worries lady, my daddy is just fine : Got a view from her fire escape and a peek into her life (there will be tee’s made that read: I heart suse) : The Sultan’s tent for our 3rd anniversary : 3 years, 1 man, 1 ring – really? : Easter : not so many eggs, but a solid pair of nine west shoes : Dad’s birthday feast at Bombay Palace : Bombay Bling with new found friends : three months at one gig – phew, who would’ve thunk it?!?
May 2006
Rama got the job she so badly hoped for : Gift certs for all three mommies were made in haste: Some lifelong friendships ended and others began : Rashmi (the roomie) & Nilay got engaged : Tia was super preggers : Sibil handed in her single status for a much more joyful ‘attached’ one : A family trip to Montreal : Seeing a temple initiated with rites and rituals : old montreal with susan : good times : may went out with a bang
June 2006
Engagement cards were chosen : Financial recovery from our trip to montreal : pink eye (ew) : work started to suck : photographer woes : prepping for our mid-year sales conference : wishing and hoping that I could travel to someplace absolutely diving : Rama graduated with ‘high’ honors : The realization that next year this time – I’d be married : oy vey.
July 2006
Atlanta : hot, sticky and murky : the Atlanta acquarium – breathtaking : My bestest celebrated her birthday : Indie celebrated hers : a photographer was chosen : I also realized I couldn’t eat out – ever, in order to afford her : Rakshaa gets a baby sister – Anicca : Another one to love and terrorize : life was good.
August 2006
Caribana : Ribsfest : Dee’s Birthday at some hick pub that turned out to be more fun than anticipated : Frantic planning : one smashing engagement party : Meeting Aunty Rehana: Dancing the night away : Frankie’s : A family luncheon with Myura and Priya : reconnecting and forming new bonds : Bombay Dreams : Dinner at Rich Tree with the mommies : busy, busy, busy.
September 2006 – Rewiring broken links
Myura and Priya : A weekend of craziness : Toronto Star interview at the picnic : water fights: blazing pink bangs : tears when it had to end : promises exchanged : Roger and Tanya’s engagement party (yup, they’re getting married two weeks before us) : Craig and Raina get engaged : Meeting J.C began around here : Michele’s birthday : Rashmi’s birthday : Michie and Chet’s engagement : A family split : felt like a limb being torn apart :: twas crazy indeed.
October 2006 – Reconnecting with birthrights and clarity
Job switch – accomplished : vacation days granted : Rama immortalizes her roots : Copyright Sri Lanka : Appapatti’s birthday dinner : reconnecting with my cousins : Daddy and daughter time : planning for a last min 3 week vacation : mikey’s overly generous birthday gift : packing my bags : engagement shoot (so much fun) : London – family, family and more family (oh yes, and shoes) : Sri Lanka - *sigh* my dream come true with just the right person : Land, found : Birthright – reinstated : hoppers – to die for : a lifestyle I miss inherently : India – busy : monsoon rains : humidity cushions memories : turning 29 : *double sigh* : dubai – glamorous : great architecture : meeting family for the first time : so much laughter : so much joy : so much introspective time : October was indeed clarity.
November 2006 – Introspection on the unknown error of our lives
Unfamiliarity : a new cube : a new floor : fighting the fear : a feeling of being ready : losing the immaturity of childhood: reliving every memory from oct 14 – nov 4th : missing the way my soles felt on birth soil : Daddy buys a new condo (2 blocks away from Mikey’s – yay for 2010) : Rashmi dresses up without being forced to : nina and tobes tie the knot : we get our engagement pics back : love love love all around : epiphany: I work to live not live to work : feeling more prepared : ready
December 2006
Mom and Dad turn 30 : Niraj and Risha’s reception : Christmas parties galore : My last Christmas morning waking up at home : fear sets in : the burner is on and my bum is getting warm : Christmas shopping : Rama and her 4 sizzling A’s : Mommy’s birthday : *sigh* I miss SL : The year in review : Work getting better : Life far more clear : frequent convo’s with suse : preparation.
*phew* sweet indeed. 2007 will be just as hectic, im certain.
engaged : slightly broke : incredibly confused : scared out of my mind : countless job interviews : extended family drama : hurt feelings : broken relationships : Gopi leaves on her Australian expedition : Rashmi’s sassy plum tank : Rammy’s return from SL/India : presents (like my painting) : the feeling of approaching adulthood : being the only adult clambering on the bunny hill : snow angels with mikey’s angels : a 2nd interview : followed by a 3rd at SCC : 25th started said job : ecstatic : surprised at being so lucky.
February 2006
Rama & Rammy turn 3 : Growing pains at above mentioned job : Rammy’s birthday: chill sessions with my most gorgeous daughter from another womb, Rakshaa : feelings of uncertainty slowly replaced by feelings of comfortable contentment : a Japanese inspired v-day celebration : my fave eternity necklace : the art of war : Rammy got 203 immortalized on his skin : Rammy’s birthday do at Jack’s : Danier for Aunty’s birthday : work, work and more work : Shivaratri : glad to be alive.
March 2006
Girly hair cuts : mother’s day celebration : gift cards made in haste for all three mommies : lunch with les and tera – pre-baby : more Rakshaa : a weekend at Kingston : culture show time : uni town/uni bar – it was apposite : shopping in Kingston : a funky fresh fantastic necklace : I would do me, certainly.
April 2006
Started the month out with a big leap & some big wedding decisions : booked a hall : bought my wedding dress (impulsively) : ‘Where’s your mom?’ – no worries lady, my daddy is just fine : Got a view from her fire escape and a peek into her life (there will be tee’s made that read: I heart suse) : The Sultan’s tent for our 3rd anniversary : 3 years, 1 man, 1 ring – really? : Easter : not so many eggs, but a solid pair of nine west shoes : Dad’s birthday feast at Bombay Palace : Bombay Bling with new found friends : three months at one gig – phew, who would’ve thunk it?!?
May 2006
Rama got the job she so badly hoped for : Gift certs for all three mommies were made in haste: Some lifelong friendships ended and others began : Rashmi (the roomie) & Nilay got engaged : Tia was super preggers : Sibil handed in her single status for a much more joyful ‘attached’ one : A family trip to Montreal : Seeing a temple initiated with rites and rituals : old montreal with susan : good times : may went out with a bang
June 2006
Engagement cards were chosen : Financial recovery from our trip to montreal : pink eye (ew) : work started to suck : photographer woes : prepping for our mid-year sales conference : wishing and hoping that I could travel to someplace absolutely diving : Rama graduated with ‘high’ honors : The realization that next year this time – I’d be married : oy vey.
July 2006
Atlanta : hot, sticky and murky : the Atlanta acquarium – breathtaking : My bestest celebrated her birthday : Indie celebrated hers : a photographer was chosen : I also realized I couldn’t eat out – ever, in order to afford her : Rakshaa gets a baby sister – Anicca : Another one to love and terrorize : life was good.
August 2006
Caribana : Ribsfest : Dee’s Birthday at some hick pub that turned out to be more fun than anticipated : Frantic planning : one smashing engagement party : Meeting Aunty Rehana: Dancing the night away : Frankie’s : A family luncheon with Myura and Priya : reconnecting and forming new bonds : Bombay Dreams : Dinner at Rich Tree with the mommies : busy, busy, busy.
September 2006 – Rewiring broken links
Myura and Priya : A weekend of craziness : Toronto Star interview at the picnic : water fights: blazing pink bangs : tears when it had to end : promises exchanged : Roger and Tanya’s engagement party (yup, they’re getting married two weeks before us) : Craig and Raina get engaged : Meeting J.C began around here : Michele’s birthday : Rashmi’s birthday : Michie and Chet’s engagement : A family split : felt like a limb being torn apart :: twas crazy indeed.
October 2006 – Reconnecting with birthrights and clarity
Job switch – accomplished : vacation days granted : Rama immortalizes her roots : Copyright Sri Lanka : Appapatti’s birthday dinner : reconnecting with my cousins : Daddy and daughter time : planning for a last min 3 week vacation : mikey’s overly generous birthday gift : packing my bags : engagement shoot (so much fun) : London – family, family and more family (oh yes, and shoes) : Sri Lanka - *sigh* my dream come true with just the right person : Land, found : Birthright – reinstated : hoppers – to die for : a lifestyle I miss inherently : India – busy : monsoon rains : humidity cushions memories : turning 29 : *double sigh* : dubai – glamorous : great architecture : meeting family for the first time : so much laughter : so much joy : so much introspective time : October was indeed clarity.
November 2006 – Introspection on the unknown error of our lives
Unfamiliarity : a new cube : a new floor : fighting the fear : a feeling of being ready : losing the immaturity of childhood: reliving every memory from oct 14 – nov 4th : missing the way my soles felt on birth soil : Daddy buys a new condo (2 blocks away from Mikey’s – yay for 2010) : Rashmi dresses up without being forced to : nina and tobes tie the knot : we get our engagement pics back : love love love all around : epiphany: I work to live not live to work : feeling more prepared : ready
December 2006
Mom and Dad turn 30 : Niraj and Risha’s reception : Christmas parties galore : My last Christmas morning waking up at home : fear sets in : the burner is on and my bum is getting warm : Christmas shopping : Rama and her 4 sizzling A’s : Mommy’s birthday : *sigh* I miss SL : The year in review : Work getting better : Life far more clear : frequent convo’s with suse : preparation.
*phew* sweet indeed. 2007 will be just as hectic, im certain.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
In 2006 I'm thankful for...
* the opportunity to see a new day, every day
* for sunshine that breaks through grey clouds
* for Rama's knowing eyes - they smile at me constantly
* for good health that my family enjoys
* for my grandma who albeit her 85 years, still has all her marbles intact
* for friends who understand that shit happens
* for comfy bermuda CK shorts - a surprise find
* for my doogie who gives more than takes
* for H2O
* for a gym membership that doesn't kick my ass for ducking out
* for the opportunity to try a new gig
* for a man who loves me minus the expectations
* for the opportunity to go on a trip of a lifetime with my fave boy - dad
* for friends strung together thanks to the powers of the world wide web
* for late nights and early mornings and the strength to keep on keepin on
* for chocolate in moderation
* for everything in moderation
* for fuscia pink peep toe sandals
* for sisters who love, fight and hug - with intensity
* for an extended family that doesn't act extended
* for dew drops and fallen leaves
* for the smell of curried chicken when its chilly outside
* for Pho (vietnamese noodle soup)
* for frugal bride - a site that helps me keep my sanity
* for early morning rides on public transit
* for the eternal belief that things will be okay
* for the clarity to realize that my life is on the cusp of great change
* for humility - something i'm still learning at doing
* for silver linings
* and fuscia crinolin
* for the sound of a fine tip nib caressing paper
* for good books and toe-curl inducing coffee
* for pit stops on this journey that let you smell the roses
* for the inherent knowledge that this too shall pass.
* for a new circle of friends at the St. Peter and Paul Parish
* for beliefs that get stronger with time, a personhood that holds on tight and the integrity that only comes with character.
but most of all,
this year, i'm thankful for knowing that i love and am loved in return.
* for sunshine that breaks through grey clouds
* for Rama's knowing eyes - they smile at me constantly
* for good health that my family enjoys
* for my grandma who albeit her 85 years, still has all her marbles intact
* for friends who understand that shit happens
* for comfy bermuda CK shorts - a surprise find
* for my doogie who gives more than takes
* for H2O
* for a gym membership that doesn't kick my ass for ducking out
* for the opportunity to try a new gig
* for a man who loves me minus the expectations
* for the opportunity to go on a trip of a lifetime with my fave boy - dad
* for friends strung together thanks to the powers of the world wide web
* for late nights and early mornings and the strength to keep on keepin on
* for chocolate in moderation
* for everything in moderation
* for fuscia pink peep toe sandals
* for sisters who love, fight and hug - with intensity
* for an extended family that doesn't act extended
* for dew drops and fallen leaves
* for the smell of curried chicken when its chilly outside
* for Pho (vietnamese noodle soup)
* for frugal bride - a site that helps me keep my sanity
* for early morning rides on public transit
* for the eternal belief that things will be okay
* for the clarity to realize that my life is on the cusp of great change
* for humility - something i'm still learning at doing
* for silver linings
* and fuscia crinolin
* for the sound of a fine tip nib caressing paper
* for good books and toe-curl inducing coffee
* for pit stops on this journey that let you smell the roses
* for the inherent knowledge that this too shall pass.
* for a new circle of friends at the St. Peter and Paul Parish
* for beliefs that get stronger with time, a personhood that holds on tight and the integrity that only comes with character.
but most of all,
this year, i'm thankful for knowing that i love and am loved in return.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Dufferin West #29
Daybreak. That’s what greets you these days when you exit onto Dufferin at 7 am - leaving the cocoon of the underground tunnel. Sleep escapes. Flitters like the first flight on newly formed wings – perfectly suited for changing leaves.
*sigh*
Another day. Another season.
I get comfortable in my aisle seat, shooting a cursory glance around the bus. Half-asleep. The general descriptor for those traveling at the crack of dawn – so separate yet so the same. I lean back and sink into the sounds of Green Day barely noticing the kid sitting across from me. This morning, like most mornings, my eyes eagerly dissect the composition of another passenger – perfect strangers are a writers best friend. A side effect of documenting life – random people, random stories. Pupils capture her – bubble gum pink hoodie, runny mascara, sitting sideways, – eyes forlorn – a Botticelli waiting to be birthed.
“So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the ….scratch.”
I wasn’t alone in my early morning ritual.
scratch, sigh, scribble, scribble. The sound of an intruder – the kid across from me?
His flighty fingers exact my attention - the sound of lead scarring refined bark builds itself into my sound system.
“It’s something unpredictable, (Scratch. Scratch. Scribble. )but in the end it’s right (Sigh). I hope you had the time of your life (scribble. Scratch. Shade).”
Scratch. Sigh.
I glance sideways- eyesdropping. Chancing getting caught for blatant staring, I notice his page. There she was. Immortalized in his book. Scratched, scribbled and brought to perfection. It was her – shrouded in melancholy. The way I would’ve dealt with this one – digested, described, and documented in the pages of my mind.
We had both unwittingly committed the same crime: stolen glances and captured her heart wrenching sorrow for a rainy day.
As I exited the bus, I realized – she’ll never know she’ll be remembered for simply boarding the 29 W bus.
*sigh*
Another day. Another season.
I get comfortable in my aisle seat, shooting a cursory glance around the bus. Half-asleep. The general descriptor for those traveling at the crack of dawn – so separate yet so the same. I lean back and sink into the sounds of Green Day barely noticing the kid sitting across from me. This morning, like most mornings, my eyes eagerly dissect the composition of another passenger – perfect strangers are a writers best friend. A side effect of documenting life – random people, random stories. Pupils capture her – bubble gum pink hoodie, runny mascara, sitting sideways, – eyes forlorn – a Botticelli waiting to be birthed.
“So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the ….scratch.”
I wasn’t alone in my early morning ritual.
scratch, sigh, scribble, scribble. The sound of an intruder – the kid across from me?
His flighty fingers exact my attention - the sound of lead scarring refined bark builds itself into my sound system.
“It’s something unpredictable, (Scratch. Scratch. Scribble. )but in the end it’s right (Sigh). I hope you had the time of your life (scribble. Scratch. Shade).”
Scratch. Sigh.
I glance sideways- eyesdropping. Chancing getting caught for blatant staring, I notice his page. There she was. Immortalized in his book. Scratched, scribbled and brought to perfection. It was her – shrouded in melancholy. The way I would’ve dealt with this one – digested, described, and documented in the pages of my mind.
We had both unwittingly committed the same crime: stolen glances and captured her heart wrenching sorrow for a rainy day.
As I exited the bus, I realized – she’ll never know she’ll be remembered for simply boarding the 29 W bus.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Too much about me...again.
1. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? My index finger cuz well, she gets shit done.
2. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Vanilla Ice (yes, yes, I was a fan – even after all the media hoopla)
3. DO LOOKS MATTER? Only if you’ve got a crappy personality.
4. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Ranting to my bestest and writing it all out.
5. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My daddy’s arms, my sister’s smile
6. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Pens and books (talk about a geek in the making) oh and lest I forget, rama.
7. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Calculus & Accounting (the former because well it did nothing for me and the latter because talking about money in such quantifiable terms made me want to cry)
8. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Authenticity. Character. A good sense of self. Oh and someone who isn’t afraid to dream. And these days, LOYALTY.
9. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES? Jana, Radhamma, Kunju, Mahale, Jans, Jana Banana, podi nona, Radhakka
10. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? ½. Figures! I tend to save a little bit of everything.
11. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Face (I’m just a ‘great face’ kinda girl)
12. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I'm feeling out of sorts – not sure why, just yet.
13. FAVORITE MONTH? July. Because well, that’s when my bestest met me.
14. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not particularly – although the ring does cramp my style ;)
15. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I’d like to think that I treat my relationships with the same excitement that a one night stand has – minus the après-deed guilt that is.
16. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble!
17. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Again? Ahh, Again.
18. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. These girls are fun and funny.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUMES? Body Sprays courtesy of Victoria and her secrets
20. NIKE, REEBOK OR ADIDAS? Puma thanks.
21. NAME TWO THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION. My new one? I’ll get to talk to lots of different people and hopefully have fun doing it.
22. FAV BRAND? BCBG, for the style & fit.
23. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Jillunu oru kadhal!
24. What is your favorite TV show? Project Runway!!! ANTM & other reality delights. King of Queens, SATC, Entourage, What I Like About You, The Sopranos, Seinfeld.
25. What did you have for breakfast? A cheese sandwich – in a sandwich maker – old school style.
26. What is your middle name? Radha.
27. What foods do you dislike? Bitter gourds.
28. What is your favorite crisp flavor? Salt and pepper. Boring but good.
29. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Whatever is on rotation on my iPod.
30. What kind of car do you drive? A civic. Yes, I am brown.
31. Favorite sandwich? Yummy tuna on 12 grain with avocado.
32. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, infidelity, two-faced people.
33. Favorite item of clothing? Red riding hood rain jacket.
34. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you
go? Anywhere and everywhere that airlines are allowed to travel.
35. What color is your bathroom? Pink & more pink
37. Where would you retire to? Sri Lanka.
38. Favorite time of the day? Day break
39. What was your most memorable birthday? 4 b/c that’s when my bestest joined me.
40. Where were you born? 6° 54' N 79° 52' E (Colombo, Sri Lanka)
41. What fabric detergent do you use? Sunlight
42. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning – as in 5am.
43. Do you have any pets? Sparky, trixie and some random fish that dad keeps killing and then replacing
44. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and
family? Not really - my life is unfortunately boring.
45. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer/Novelist.
46. What do you hope your friends remember about you when you're dead?
That I gave them the best of me.
47 What are you most afraid of? Being a failure.
48. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? Italy, Bali or Kenya.
49. How do you eat an Oreo? Twist clockwise (x2), lick and then rip into that chocolatey goodness
50. Favorite magazine? InStyle, Oprah and Shape
51. Favorite smell? The air before a good downpour, my amma’s hair
52. Least favorite smell? Eggplants in oil
53. How many rings before you answer the phone? 3 and then my voice mail picks it for me.
54. Future child's name? Zoe & Ziggy (yes, I’m serious) ;)
55. Glass is half empty or half full? Half empty.
56. Favorite movie? A tie between Scarface and the Sound of Music
57. What's under your bed? Drawers – hello! What’s under yours?
58. Favorite saying/quote: sorry about your luck kid, thanks for coming out, no freakin way!
59. What advice would you give a little kid? If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t – you probably won’t.
60. Your favorite Potato chips? Ketchup
63. What were your different jobs? Copywriter, gofer, event coordinator, marketing exec, telemarketer, freelance journalist…aw man, I am a jack of all trades!
64. Number and Location of Piercings? 6 - ears
65. Ever been to Africa? Only in my imagination (Kenya and Botsuwana are on my to do list)
66. Ever been toilet papering? Yup (3 years straight – on the coldest day in Feb)
67. Been in a car accident? A couple. Usually, not my fault. Unfortunately, that’s not always a general consensus.
68. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday – because I invariably feel like I’ve already accomplished so much by getting to that cherished mid-week point.
69. Favorite Resturant? The Fish House; SuSur
70. Favorite flower? cream and yellow Araliya’s (aka frangipani’s)
71. Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The question is: Which store would I NOT choose to max out my credit card!
73. Bedtime: these days, I drop at like 10:00pm
74. Last person you went to dinner with? My bestest.
75. How many tattoos do you have? 1 (hopefully that number will go up in the next 30 days)
2. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Vanilla Ice (yes, yes, I was a fan – even after all the media hoopla)
3. DO LOOKS MATTER? Only if you’ve got a crappy personality.
4. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Ranting to my bestest and writing it all out.
5. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My daddy’s arms, my sister’s smile
6. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Pens and books (talk about a geek in the making) oh and lest I forget, rama.
7. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Calculus & Accounting (the former because well it did nothing for me and the latter because talking about money in such quantifiable terms made me want to cry)
8. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Authenticity. Character. A good sense of self. Oh and someone who isn’t afraid to dream. And these days, LOYALTY.
9. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES? Jana, Radhamma, Kunju, Mahale, Jans, Jana Banana, podi nona, Radhakka
10. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? ½. Figures! I tend to save a little bit of everything.
11. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Face (I’m just a ‘great face’ kinda girl)
12. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I'm feeling out of sorts – not sure why, just yet.
13. FAVORITE MONTH? July. Because well, that’s when my bestest met me.
14. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not particularly – although the ring does cramp my style ;)
15. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I’d like to think that I treat my relationships with the same excitement that a one night stand has – minus the après-deed guilt that is.
16. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble!
17. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Again? Ahh, Again.
18. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. These girls are fun and funny.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUMES? Body Sprays courtesy of Victoria and her secrets
20. NIKE, REEBOK OR ADIDAS? Puma thanks.
21. NAME TWO THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION. My new one? I’ll get to talk to lots of different people and hopefully have fun doing it.
22. FAV BRAND? BCBG, for the style & fit.
23. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Jillunu oru kadhal!
24. What is your favorite TV show? Project Runway!!! ANTM & other reality delights. King of Queens, SATC, Entourage, What I Like About You, The Sopranos, Seinfeld.
25. What did you have for breakfast? A cheese sandwich – in a sandwich maker – old school style.
26. What is your middle name? Radha.
27. What foods do you dislike? Bitter gourds.
28. What is your favorite crisp flavor? Salt and pepper. Boring but good.
29. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Whatever is on rotation on my iPod.
30. What kind of car do you drive? A civic. Yes, I am brown.
31. Favorite sandwich? Yummy tuna on 12 grain with avocado.
32. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, infidelity, two-faced people.
33. Favorite item of clothing? Red riding hood rain jacket.
34. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you
go? Anywhere and everywhere that airlines are allowed to travel.
35. What color is your bathroom? Pink & more pink
37. Where would you retire to? Sri Lanka.
38. Favorite time of the day? Day break
39. What was your most memorable birthday? 4 b/c that’s when my bestest joined me.
40. Where were you born? 6° 54' N 79° 52' E (Colombo, Sri Lanka)
41. What fabric detergent do you use? Sunlight
42. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning – as in 5am.
43. Do you have any pets? Sparky, trixie and some random fish that dad keeps killing and then replacing
44. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and
family? Not really - my life is unfortunately boring.
45. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer/Novelist.
46. What do you hope your friends remember about you when you're dead?
That I gave them the best of me.
47 What are you most afraid of? Being a failure.
48. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? Italy, Bali or Kenya.
49. How do you eat an Oreo? Twist clockwise (x2), lick and then rip into that chocolatey goodness
50. Favorite magazine? InStyle, Oprah and Shape
51. Favorite smell? The air before a good downpour, my amma’s hair
52. Least favorite smell? Eggplants in oil
53. How many rings before you answer the phone? 3 and then my voice mail picks it for me.
54. Future child's name? Zoe & Ziggy (yes, I’m serious) ;)
55. Glass is half empty or half full? Half empty.
56. Favorite movie? A tie between Scarface and the Sound of Music
57. What's under your bed? Drawers – hello! What’s under yours?
58. Favorite saying/quote: sorry about your luck kid, thanks for coming out, no freakin way!
59. What advice would you give a little kid? If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t – you probably won’t.
60. Your favorite Potato chips? Ketchup
63. What were your different jobs? Copywriter, gofer, event coordinator, marketing exec, telemarketer, freelance journalist…aw man, I am a jack of all trades!
64. Number and Location of Piercings? 6 - ears
65. Ever been to Africa? Only in my imagination (Kenya and Botsuwana are on my to do list)
66. Ever been toilet papering? Yup (3 years straight – on the coldest day in Feb)
67. Been in a car accident? A couple. Usually, not my fault. Unfortunately, that’s not always a general consensus.
68. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday – because I invariably feel like I’ve already accomplished so much by getting to that cherished mid-week point.
69. Favorite Resturant? The Fish House; SuSur
70. Favorite flower? cream and yellow Araliya’s (aka frangipani’s)
71. Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The question is: Which store would I NOT choose to max out my credit card!
73. Bedtime: these days, I drop at like 10:00pm
74. Last person you went to dinner with? My bestest.
75. How many tattoos do you have? 1 (hopefully that number will go up in the next 30 days)
Thursday, September 21, 2006
10 hours and 21 minutes
i still feel broken.
Betrayed (according to Websters Online)
1 : to lead astray; especially : SEDUCE
2 : to deliver to an enemy by treachery
3 : to fail or desert especially in time of need
Completely so. And SHE is a trooper.
Still the best version of humanity. Still strong. Still unbreakable.
Still loved, more than she will ever know.
pray that i quell this unnatural thirst for my pound of flesh.
Betrayed (according to Websters Online)
1 : to lead astray; especially : SEDUCE
2 : to deliver to an enemy by treachery
3 : to fail or desert especially in time of need
Completely so. And SHE is a trooper.
Still the best version of humanity. Still strong. Still unbreakable.
Still loved, more than she will ever know.
pray that i quell this unnatural thirst for my pound of flesh.
Friday, September 15, 2006
2 hours and 15 minutes.
A lifetime for some small creatures.
But for me, it’s the countdown to when life will really begin.
Weekends = ambrosia (courtesy of sibil)
At some point, I’ve got to reset that clock.
Work should be more fun – shouldn’t it?
I suppose my solace comes from one simple seedlet of truth: At least, I get to exercise my brain cells on a daily basis.
And any growth (except the horizontal kind) is good in my books.
Have a solid weekend ya'll.
But for me, it’s the countdown to when life will really begin.
Weekends = ambrosia (courtesy of sibil)
At some point, I’ve got to reset that clock.
Work should be more fun – shouldn’t it?
I suppose my solace comes from one simple seedlet of truth: At least, I get to exercise my brain cells on a daily basis.
And any growth (except the horizontal kind) is good in my books.
Have a solid weekend ya'll.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
half-mast
exactly 1 month ago, on aug 14th 2006- 61 cries curdled the clouds above a sencholi orphanage. sri lanka lost 61 children that day in an air raid - future prime ministers, doctors, writers, peaceworkers...*sigh*
my motherland is being torn apart again and today more so than other days, i wish there was some way i could turn back the hands of time.i feel like my hands are tied - i'm stuck - i'm far enough to feel physically removed yet emotionally close enough to be completely devastated by all of this.
and yesterday - some nimrod opened fire in a Montreal schoolyard injuring 20something and killing 1. *double sigh*
there's so much suckage in this post right now that i don't think i can wax poetic. sorry ya'll - this one is for remembrance more than anything else.
may the powers that be guide those that have been impacted by these human follies - and may the rest of us find enough clarity to realize that it doesn't have to be this way.
my motherland is being torn apart again and today more so than other days, i wish there was some way i could turn back the hands of time.i feel like my hands are tied - i'm stuck - i'm far enough to feel physically removed yet emotionally close enough to be completely devastated by all of this.
and yesterday - some nimrod opened fire in a Montreal schoolyard injuring 20something and killing 1. *double sigh*
there's so much suckage in this post right now that i don't think i can wax poetic. sorry ya'll - this one is for remembrance more than anything else.
may the powers that be guide those that have been impacted by these human follies - and may the rest of us find enough clarity to realize that it doesn't have to be this way.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
first day revelations...
On Sept 11th, five years after North Americans experienced one of its largest disasters, I nervously waited at Islington Station for Mikey’s mom and Aunt, clutching my bright yellow hold-all. I was hoping it made me invincible or heck, invisible at the least (doubtful considering the sheer propensity of my screaming yellow leather). It was officially the first day of my RCIA course.
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
First day revelations..
On Sept 11th, five years after North Americans experienced one of its largest disasters, I nervously waited at Islington Station for Mikey’s mom and Aunt, clutching my bright yellow hold-all. I was hoping it made me invincible or heck, invisible at the least (doubtful considering the sheer propensity of my screaming yellow leather). It was officially the first day of my RCIA course.
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
Monday, September 11, 2006
Ring a ling a ling..
it's housekeeping.
this morning i awoke to an echoing moan reverberating through the emptiness. Sound bounces off bereft walls making everything sound eerily louder. It must be the stillness that silently accompanies a lifeless void. The knowledge that nothing exists sends a shiver slithering down my spine. Words that once thrived, now shrivelled under the icy gaze of neglect (a cause for public flogging had I been a gardener and this blog my patch of green).
I realized, I was no better than a low down skeevin cheater - that was me. I got caught up in the glitz of the moment. I had forgotten my first love. Kicked my purpose to the curb in a flurry of activity. I had misplaced my reservoir of energy – that which let me introspectively script out the lyrics of the next song. To chart the next notes my life will sing (sans instrumentation of course).
And that's when it hit me.
I haven't been home. For those of you who don't remember me pre-flog - you met me part ways through. I was the verbiage girl - the one who felt far more comfortable hiding and burrowing behind constructions of the alphabet than cheesin’ before a camera. And yet, somewhere between the glare of flashes, I had fallen. Vanity got the best of me and idiom was left alone to wither by the wayside. Cruelly, I had forgotten to fill my most precious room with light.
So welcome home me.
May tomorrow and the days to come be filled with the sheer brilliance of visual sound.
this morning i awoke to an echoing moan reverberating through the emptiness. Sound bounces off bereft walls making everything sound eerily louder. It must be the stillness that silently accompanies a lifeless void. The knowledge that nothing exists sends a shiver slithering down my spine. Words that once thrived, now shrivelled under the icy gaze of neglect (a cause for public flogging had I been a gardener and this blog my patch of green).
I realized, I was no better than a low down skeevin cheater - that was me. I got caught up in the glitz of the moment. I had forgotten my first love. Kicked my purpose to the curb in a flurry of activity. I had misplaced my reservoir of energy – that which let me introspectively script out the lyrics of the next song. To chart the next notes my life will sing (sans instrumentation of course).
And that's when it hit me.
I haven't been home. For those of you who don't remember me pre-flog - you met me part ways through. I was the verbiage girl - the one who felt far more comfortable hiding and burrowing behind constructions of the alphabet than cheesin’ before a camera. And yet, somewhere between the glare of flashes, I had fallen. Vanity got the best of me and idiom was left alone to wither by the wayside. Cruelly, I had forgotten to fill my most precious room with light.
So welcome home me.
May tomorrow and the days to come be filled with the sheer brilliance of visual sound.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Which baby are you?
Thought i'd give this piece of virtual place some CPR - I'm trying folks - I promise to try and post more and more often.
here's a little something i received today - FYI: I'm an october baby!
---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom
Shows
Emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Down-to-Earth.
Stubborn.
----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and Clever.
Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined To
Reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.
Loves Aggressiveness. Too
Sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not Show
It. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely Shows
It. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and Hopes.
Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not
Outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn To Show
Emotions.
-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved.
>Secretive.
> >Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and
>serenity.
> >Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.
> >Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly
>shows emotions. Tends to
> >bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.
------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative.
Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.
Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude.
Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to Look
For information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh.
Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around.
Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy.
Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.
Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.
Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled.
Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical.
Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home.
Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.
------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be
Around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a
great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner. A
Wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection.
You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous
Actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings.
Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful.
Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms
Impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally.
Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.
Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self-control.
Kind hearted. Self-confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.
Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer.
Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved.
Hates studying. In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom.
Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "Beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed.
A fighter.
------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.
Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless.
Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore.
Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
--------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to take things at the center.
Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often.
Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends.
Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated.
Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but
Definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at Times.
Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
Your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive.
Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and
Very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands
Out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month.
If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means you're the most good-looking person possible...better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness.
Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind.
Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best.
Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills.
Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person.
Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome.
Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions.
Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
here's a little something i received today - FYI: I'm an october baby!
---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom
Shows
Emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Down-to-Earth.
Stubborn.
----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and Clever.
Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined To
Reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.
Loves Aggressiveness. Too
Sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not Show
It. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely Shows
It. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and Hopes.
Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not
Outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn To Show
Emotions.
-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved.
>Secretive.
> >Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and
>serenity.
> >Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.
> >Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly
>shows emotions. Tends to
> >bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.
------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative.
Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.
Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude.
Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to Look
For information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh.
Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around.
Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy.
Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.
Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.
Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled.
Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical.
Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home.
Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.
------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be
Around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a
great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner. A
Wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection.
You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous
Actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings.
Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful.
Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms
Impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally.
Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.
Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self-control.
Kind hearted. Self-confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.
Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer.
Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved.
Hates studying. In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom.
Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "Beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed.
A fighter.
------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.
Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless.
Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore.
Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
--------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to take things at the center.
Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often.
Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends.
Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated.
Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but
Definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at Times.
Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
Your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive.
Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and
Very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands
Out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month.
If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means you're the most good-looking person possible...better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness.
Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind.
Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best.
Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills.
Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person.
Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome.
Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions.
Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Blisters
Speckle the emotive half of my cerebrum.
The first half of Saturday was emotionally harrowing. Returning to a place filled with many a traumatizing memory, I thought I might be adult enough to make peace with my past. Unfortunately for me, that just wasn’t about to happen. From the moment I walked in to the moment I left- I had to hold the tears back. Steeled against what I knew was a pretense, I watched the dramatics unfold in this superficially staged play. He involved us. Involved amma in her own amma’s remembrance and for that I was thankful. I watched him, them, carefully. Scrutinizing their expressions for a crack in the put on veneer. Nope. Nothing. I guess they never felt it. Remorse should come from within but their insides are bereft of such feeling – I suppose. No matter, us girls stuck close to our father. And when we moved over to surround amma in a collective barrier of love, the boys covered dad. It was endearing really to see the result of our growth. We will never be them. That much is certain. The blisters, on the other hand, are unfit for band aids and antibacterial soap. It reminds me of something my grandma used to say: Wash your mouth with dettol. In her ignorance, she believed that lips that spoke ill could be cured with a slosh of dettol. I wonder how much you’d need to douse yourself in that stuff. No matter, I cried my little heart out in the car with Mikey. I cried not fully out of pain but mostly out of pity. Had she been alive, she would’ve realized the caliber of her spawn. And in disgrace, she would’ve cried too. That triggered the cascade of hurt and I just let it out. And gratefully, he let it pass – nothing said, no put on empathy given, no ‘saving face’ type words spoken. That’s why he fits in with us. Because he accepts us, as we are – not as what he thinks we can all become in the future.
The baby shower was interesting. It was fun spending time with the mom to be and my gorgeous girlfriends. It’s interesting how I can call them that. They were never mine to begin with and yet, through time something changed. I look at them the same way I look at my own – with concern, with my protective instincts ready to go up if the need arises, with loyalty and a tremendous amount of love. And that spilled over into an evening of pure bliss. M’s mom and dad joined the gang for Bear’s birthday soiree and once again I was tickled pink at how everything flowed flawlessly. We went back to their house and Bear’s broke open her pressies to find enough new gear to transform the borderline tom boy into a chic summer ready fashionista. Everyone did good with picking out things for her – all in all, it was a memorable night indeed.
Sunday was filled with rekindling some old fires with Mikeys mom. Things have been slightly shaky between us thanks to january’s verbal bout of ick. Thankfully, when I saw her things felt newer, better, familiar. She was my friend again but only because the two weeks away made me realize that I like having her in my life. More as a friend than a relative. And when we did hang out, that’s what I remembered the most. The friend part. She brought back tones of goodies for me from dubai and cochin. And as she was showing me each thing, I saw how excited she got watching me become excited. It was nice to return to that familiar feeling – like jammies that you lost and accidently found. Comfortable.
The rest of Sunday was spent doing work. Literally. In front of my laptop writing for hours. C’est la vie! Hopefully everyone had two days of bliss.
--
Mission for the coming week: get rid of all tell tale signs of those barely there blisters.
The first half of Saturday was emotionally harrowing. Returning to a place filled with many a traumatizing memory, I thought I might be adult enough to make peace with my past. Unfortunately for me, that just wasn’t about to happen. From the moment I walked in to the moment I left- I had to hold the tears back. Steeled against what I knew was a pretense, I watched the dramatics unfold in this superficially staged play. He involved us. Involved amma in her own amma’s remembrance and for that I was thankful. I watched him, them, carefully. Scrutinizing their expressions for a crack in the put on veneer. Nope. Nothing. I guess they never felt it. Remorse should come from within but their insides are bereft of such feeling – I suppose. No matter, us girls stuck close to our father. And when we moved over to surround amma in a collective barrier of love, the boys covered dad. It was endearing really to see the result of our growth. We will never be them. That much is certain. The blisters, on the other hand, are unfit for band aids and antibacterial soap. It reminds me of something my grandma used to say: Wash your mouth with dettol. In her ignorance, she believed that lips that spoke ill could be cured with a slosh of dettol. I wonder how much you’d need to douse yourself in that stuff. No matter, I cried my little heart out in the car with Mikey. I cried not fully out of pain but mostly out of pity. Had she been alive, she would’ve realized the caliber of her spawn. And in disgrace, she would’ve cried too. That triggered the cascade of hurt and I just let it out. And gratefully, he let it pass – nothing said, no put on empathy given, no ‘saving face’ type words spoken. That’s why he fits in with us. Because he accepts us, as we are – not as what he thinks we can all become in the future.
The baby shower was interesting. It was fun spending time with the mom to be and my gorgeous girlfriends. It’s interesting how I can call them that. They were never mine to begin with and yet, through time something changed. I look at them the same way I look at my own – with concern, with my protective instincts ready to go up if the need arises, with loyalty and a tremendous amount of love. And that spilled over into an evening of pure bliss. M’s mom and dad joined the gang for Bear’s birthday soiree and once again I was tickled pink at how everything flowed flawlessly. We went back to their house and Bear’s broke open her pressies to find enough new gear to transform the borderline tom boy into a chic summer ready fashionista. Everyone did good with picking out things for her – all in all, it was a memorable night indeed.
Sunday was filled with rekindling some old fires with Mikeys mom. Things have been slightly shaky between us thanks to january’s verbal bout of ick. Thankfully, when I saw her things felt newer, better, familiar. She was my friend again but only because the two weeks away made me realize that I like having her in my life. More as a friend than a relative. And when we did hang out, that’s what I remembered the most. The friend part. She brought back tones of goodies for me from dubai and cochin. And as she was showing me each thing, I saw how excited she got watching me become excited. It was nice to return to that familiar feeling – like jammies that you lost and accidently found. Comfortable.
The rest of Sunday was spent doing work. Literally. In front of my laptop writing for hours. C’est la vie! Hopefully everyone had two days of bliss.
--
Mission for the coming week: get rid of all tell tale signs of those barely there blisters.
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