* the opportunity to see a new day, every day
* for sunshine that breaks through grey clouds
* for Rama's knowing eyes - they smile at me constantly
* for good health that my family enjoys
* for my grandma who albeit her 85 years, still has all her marbles intact
* for friends who understand that shit happens
* for comfy bermuda CK shorts - a surprise find
* for my doogie who gives more than takes
* for H2O
* for a gym membership that doesn't kick my ass for ducking out
* for the opportunity to try a new gig
* for a man who loves me minus the expectations
* for the opportunity to go on a trip of a lifetime with my fave boy - dad
* for friends strung together thanks to the powers of the world wide web
* for late nights and early mornings and the strength to keep on keepin on
* for chocolate in moderation
* for everything in moderation
* for fuscia pink peep toe sandals
* for sisters who love, fight and hug - with intensity
* for an extended family that doesn't act extended
* for dew drops and fallen leaves
* for the smell of curried chicken when its chilly outside
* for Pho (vietnamese noodle soup)
* for frugal bride - a site that helps me keep my sanity
* for early morning rides on public transit
* for the eternal belief that things will be okay
* for the clarity to realize that my life is on the cusp of great change
* for humility - something i'm still learning at doing
* for silver linings
* and fuscia crinolin
* for the sound of a fine tip nib caressing paper
* for good books and toe-curl inducing coffee
* for pit stops on this journey that let you smell the roses
* for the inherent knowledge that this too shall pass.
* for a new circle of friends at the St. Peter and Paul Parish
* for beliefs that get stronger with time, a personhood that holds on tight and the integrity that only comes with character.
but most of all,
this year, i'm thankful for knowing that i love and am loved in return.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Dufferin West #29
Daybreak. That’s what greets you these days when you exit onto Dufferin at 7 am - leaving the cocoon of the underground tunnel. Sleep escapes. Flitters like the first flight on newly formed wings – perfectly suited for changing leaves.
*sigh*
Another day. Another season.
I get comfortable in my aisle seat, shooting a cursory glance around the bus. Half-asleep. The general descriptor for those traveling at the crack of dawn – so separate yet so the same. I lean back and sink into the sounds of Green Day barely noticing the kid sitting across from me. This morning, like most mornings, my eyes eagerly dissect the composition of another passenger – perfect strangers are a writers best friend. A side effect of documenting life – random people, random stories. Pupils capture her – bubble gum pink hoodie, runny mascara, sitting sideways, – eyes forlorn – a Botticelli waiting to be birthed.
“So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the ….scratch.”
I wasn’t alone in my early morning ritual.
scratch, sigh, scribble, scribble. The sound of an intruder – the kid across from me?
His flighty fingers exact my attention - the sound of lead scarring refined bark builds itself into my sound system.
“It’s something unpredictable, (Scratch. Scratch. Scribble. )but in the end it’s right (Sigh). I hope you had the time of your life (scribble. Scratch. Shade).”
Scratch. Sigh.
I glance sideways- eyesdropping. Chancing getting caught for blatant staring, I notice his page. There she was. Immortalized in his book. Scratched, scribbled and brought to perfection. It was her – shrouded in melancholy. The way I would’ve dealt with this one – digested, described, and documented in the pages of my mind.
We had both unwittingly committed the same crime: stolen glances and captured her heart wrenching sorrow for a rainy day.
As I exited the bus, I realized – she’ll never know she’ll be remembered for simply boarding the 29 W bus.
*sigh*
Another day. Another season.
I get comfortable in my aisle seat, shooting a cursory glance around the bus. Half-asleep. The general descriptor for those traveling at the crack of dawn – so separate yet so the same. I lean back and sink into the sounds of Green Day barely noticing the kid sitting across from me. This morning, like most mornings, my eyes eagerly dissect the composition of another passenger – perfect strangers are a writers best friend. A side effect of documenting life – random people, random stories. Pupils capture her – bubble gum pink hoodie, runny mascara, sitting sideways, – eyes forlorn – a Botticelli waiting to be birthed.
“So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the ….scratch.”
I wasn’t alone in my early morning ritual.
scratch, sigh, scribble, scribble. The sound of an intruder – the kid across from me?
His flighty fingers exact my attention - the sound of lead scarring refined bark builds itself into my sound system.
“It’s something unpredictable, (Scratch. Scratch. Scribble. )but in the end it’s right (Sigh). I hope you had the time of your life (scribble. Scratch. Shade).”
Scratch. Sigh.
I glance sideways- eyesdropping. Chancing getting caught for blatant staring, I notice his page. There she was. Immortalized in his book. Scratched, scribbled and brought to perfection. It was her – shrouded in melancholy. The way I would’ve dealt with this one – digested, described, and documented in the pages of my mind.
We had both unwittingly committed the same crime: stolen glances and captured her heart wrenching sorrow for a rainy day.
As I exited the bus, I realized – she’ll never know she’ll be remembered for simply boarding the 29 W bus.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Too much about me...again.
1. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? My index finger cuz well, she gets shit done.
2. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Vanilla Ice (yes, yes, I was a fan – even after all the media hoopla)
3. DO LOOKS MATTER? Only if you’ve got a crappy personality.
4. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Ranting to my bestest and writing it all out.
5. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My daddy’s arms, my sister’s smile
6. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Pens and books (talk about a geek in the making) oh and lest I forget, rama.
7. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Calculus & Accounting (the former because well it did nothing for me and the latter because talking about money in such quantifiable terms made me want to cry)
8. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Authenticity. Character. A good sense of self. Oh and someone who isn’t afraid to dream. And these days, LOYALTY.
9. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES? Jana, Radhamma, Kunju, Mahale, Jans, Jana Banana, podi nona, Radhakka
10. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? ½. Figures! I tend to save a little bit of everything.
11. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Face (I’m just a ‘great face’ kinda girl)
12. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I'm feeling out of sorts – not sure why, just yet.
13. FAVORITE MONTH? July. Because well, that’s when my bestest met me.
14. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not particularly – although the ring does cramp my style ;)
15. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I’d like to think that I treat my relationships with the same excitement that a one night stand has – minus the après-deed guilt that is.
16. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble!
17. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Again? Ahh, Again.
18. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. These girls are fun and funny.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUMES? Body Sprays courtesy of Victoria and her secrets
20. NIKE, REEBOK OR ADIDAS? Puma thanks.
21. NAME TWO THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION. My new one? I’ll get to talk to lots of different people and hopefully have fun doing it.
22. FAV BRAND? BCBG, for the style & fit.
23. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Jillunu oru kadhal!
24. What is your favorite TV show? Project Runway!!! ANTM & other reality delights. King of Queens, SATC, Entourage, What I Like About You, The Sopranos, Seinfeld.
25. What did you have for breakfast? A cheese sandwich – in a sandwich maker – old school style.
26. What is your middle name? Radha.
27. What foods do you dislike? Bitter gourds.
28. What is your favorite crisp flavor? Salt and pepper. Boring but good.
29. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Whatever is on rotation on my iPod.
30. What kind of car do you drive? A civic. Yes, I am brown.
31. Favorite sandwich? Yummy tuna on 12 grain with avocado.
32. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, infidelity, two-faced people.
33. Favorite item of clothing? Red riding hood rain jacket.
34. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you
go? Anywhere and everywhere that airlines are allowed to travel.
35. What color is your bathroom? Pink & more pink
37. Where would you retire to? Sri Lanka.
38. Favorite time of the day? Day break
39. What was your most memorable birthday? 4 b/c that’s when my bestest joined me.
40. Where were you born? 6° 54' N 79° 52' E (Colombo, Sri Lanka)
41. What fabric detergent do you use? Sunlight
42. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning – as in 5am.
43. Do you have any pets? Sparky, trixie and some random fish that dad keeps killing and then replacing
44. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and
family? Not really - my life is unfortunately boring.
45. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer/Novelist.
46. What do you hope your friends remember about you when you're dead?
That I gave them the best of me.
47 What are you most afraid of? Being a failure.
48. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? Italy, Bali or Kenya.
49. How do you eat an Oreo? Twist clockwise (x2), lick and then rip into that chocolatey goodness
50. Favorite magazine? InStyle, Oprah and Shape
51. Favorite smell? The air before a good downpour, my amma’s hair
52. Least favorite smell? Eggplants in oil
53. How many rings before you answer the phone? 3 and then my voice mail picks it for me.
54. Future child's name? Zoe & Ziggy (yes, I’m serious) ;)
55. Glass is half empty or half full? Half empty.
56. Favorite movie? A tie between Scarface and the Sound of Music
57. What's under your bed? Drawers – hello! What’s under yours?
58. Favorite saying/quote: sorry about your luck kid, thanks for coming out, no freakin way!
59. What advice would you give a little kid? If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t – you probably won’t.
60. Your favorite Potato chips? Ketchup
63. What were your different jobs? Copywriter, gofer, event coordinator, marketing exec, telemarketer, freelance journalist…aw man, I am a jack of all trades!
64. Number and Location of Piercings? 6 - ears
65. Ever been to Africa? Only in my imagination (Kenya and Botsuwana are on my to do list)
66. Ever been toilet papering? Yup (3 years straight – on the coldest day in Feb)
67. Been in a car accident? A couple. Usually, not my fault. Unfortunately, that’s not always a general consensus.
68. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday – because I invariably feel like I’ve already accomplished so much by getting to that cherished mid-week point.
69. Favorite Resturant? The Fish House; SuSur
70. Favorite flower? cream and yellow Araliya’s (aka frangipani’s)
71. Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The question is: Which store would I NOT choose to max out my credit card!
73. Bedtime: these days, I drop at like 10:00pm
74. Last person you went to dinner with? My bestest.
75. How many tattoos do you have? 1 (hopefully that number will go up in the next 30 days)
2. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Vanilla Ice (yes, yes, I was a fan – even after all the media hoopla)
3. DO LOOKS MATTER? Only if you’ve got a crappy personality.
4. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Ranting to my bestest and writing it all out.
5. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My daddy’s arms, my sister’s smile
6. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Pens and books (talk about a geek in the making) oh and lest I forget, rama.
7. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Calculus & Accounting (the former because well it did nothing for me and the latter because talking about money in such quantifiable terms made me want to cry)
8. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Authenticity. Character. A good sense of self. Oh and someone who isn’t afraid to dream. And these days, LOYALTY.
9. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES? Jana, Radhamma, Kunju, Mahale, Jans, Jana Banana, podi nona, Radhakka
10. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? ½. Figures! I tend to save a little bit of everything.
11. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Face (I’m just a ‘great face’ kinda girl)
12. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I'm feeling out of sorts – not sure why, just yet.
13. FAVORITE MONTH? July. Because well, that’s when my bestest met me.
14. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not particularly – although the ring does cramp my style ;)
15. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I’d like to think that I treat my relationships with the same excitement that a one night stand has – minus the après-deed guilt that is.
16. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble!
17. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Again? Ahh, Again.
18. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. These girls are fun and funny.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUMES? Body Sprays courtesy of Victoria and her secrets
20. NIKE, REEBOK OR ADIDAS? Puma thanks.
21. NAME TWO THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION. My new one? I’ll get to talk to lots of different people and hopefully have fun doing it.
22. FAV BRAND? BCBG, for the style & fit.
23. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Jillunu oru kadhal!
24. What is your favorite TV show? Project Runway!!! ANTM & other reality delights. King of Queens, SATC, Entourage, What I Like About You, The Sopranos, Seinfeld.
25. What did you have for breakfast? A cheese sandwich – in a sandwich maker – old school style.
26. What is your middle name? Radha.
27. What foods do you dislike? Bitter gourds.
28. What is your favorite crisp flavor? Salt and pepper. Boring but good.
29. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Whatever is on rotation on my iPod.
30. What kind of car do you drive? A civic. Yes, I am brown.
31. Favorite sandwich? Yummy tuna on 12 grain with avocado.
32. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, infidelity, two-faced people.
33. Favorite item of clothing? Red riding hood rain jacket.
34. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you
go? Anywhere and everywhere that airlines are allowed to travel.
35. What color is your bathroom? Pink & more pink
37. Where would you retire to? Sri Lanka.
38. Favorite time of the day? Day break
39. What was your most memorable birthday? 4 b/c that’s when my bestest joined me.
40. Where were you born? 6° 54' N 79° 52' E (Colombo, Sri Lanka)
41. What fabric detergent do you use? Sunlight
42. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning – as in 5am.
43. Do you have any pets? Sparky, trixie and some random fish that dad keeps killing and then replacing
44. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and
family? Not really - my life is unfortunately boring.
45. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer/Novelist.
46. What do you hope your friends remember about you when you're dead?
That I gave them the best of me.
47 What are you most afraid of? Being a failure.
48. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? Italy, Bali or Kenya.
49. How do you eat an Oreo? Twist clockwise (x2), lick and then rip into that chocolatey goodness
50. Favorite magazine? InStyle, Oprah and Shape
51. Favorite smell? The air before a good downpour, my amma’s hair
52. Least favorite smell? Eggplants in oil
53. How many rings before you answer the phone? 3 and then my voice mail picks it for me.
54. Future child's name? Zoe & Ziggy (yes, I’m serious) ;)
55. Glass is half empty or half full? Half empty.
56. Favorite movie? A tie between Scarface and the Sound of Music
57. What's under your bed? Drawers – hello! What’s under yours?
58. Favorite saying/quote: sorry about your luck kid, thanks for coming out, no freakin way!
59. What advice would you give a little kid? If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t – you probably won’t.
60. Your favorite Potato chips? Ketchup
63. What were your different jobs? Copywriter, gofer, event coordinator, marketing exec, telemarketer, freelance journalist…aw man, I am a jack of all trades!
64. Number and Location of Piercings? 6 - ears
65. Ever been to Africa? Only in my imagination (Kenya and Botsuwana are on my to do list)
66. Ever been toilet papering? Yup (3 years straight – on the coldest day in Feb)
67. Been in a car accident? A couple. Usually, not my fault. Unfortunately, that’s not always a general consensus.
68. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday – because I invariably feel like I’ve already accomplished so much by getting to that cherished mid-week point.
69. Favorite Resturant? The Fish House; SuSur
70. Favorite flower? cream and yellow Araliya’s (aka frangipani’s)
71. Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The question is: Which store would I NOT choose to max out my credit card!
73. Bedtime: these days, I drop at like 10:00pm
74. Last person you went to dinner with? My bestest.
75. How many tattoos do you have? 1 (hopefully that number will go up in the next 30 days)
Thursday, September 21, 2006
10 hours and 21 minutes
i still feel broken.
Betrayed (according to Websters Online)
1 : to lead astray; especially : SEDUCE
2 : to deliver to an enemy by treachery
3 : to fail or desert especially in time of need
Completely so. And SHE is a trooper.
Still the best version of humanity. Still strong. Still unbreakable.
Still loved, more than she will ever know.
pray that i quell this unnatural thirst for my pound of flesh.
Betrayed (according to Websters Online)
1 : to lead astray; especially : SEDUCE
2 : to deliver to an enemy by treachery
3 : to fail or desert especially in time of need
Completely so. And SHE is a trooper.
Still the best version of humanity. Still strong. Still unbreakable.
Still loved, more than she will ever know.
pray that i quell this unnatural thirst for my pound of flesh.
Friday, September 15, 2006
2 hours and 15 minutes.
A lifetime for some small creatures.
But for me, it’s the countdown to when life will really begin.
Weekends = ambrosia (courtesy of sibil)
At some point, I’ve got to reset that clock.
Work should be more fun – shouldn’t it?
I suppose my solace comes from one simple seedlet of truth: At least, I get to exercise my brain cells on a daily basis.
And any growth (except the horizontal kind) is good in my books.
Have a solid weekend ya'll.
But for me, it’s the countdown to when life will really begin.
Weekends = ambrosia (courtesy of sibil)
At some point, I’ve got to reset that clock.
Work should be more fun – shouldn’t it?
I suppose my solace comes from one simple seedlet of truth: At least, I get to exercise my brain cells on a daily basis.
And any growth (except the horizontal kind) is good in my books.
Have a solid weekend ya'll.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
half-mast
exactly 1 month ago, on aug 14th 2006- 61 cries curdled the clouds above a sencholi orphanage. sri lanka lost 61 children that day in an air raid - future prime ministers, doctors, writers, peaceworkers...*sigh*
my motherland is being torn apart again and today more so than other days, i wish there was some way i could turn back the hands of time.i feel like my hands are tied - i'm stuck - i'm far enough to feel physically removed yet emotionally close enough to be completely devastated by all of this.
and yesterday - some nimrod opened fire in a Montreal schoolyard injuring 20something and killing 1. *double sigh*
there's so much suckage in this post right now that i don't think i can wax poetic. sorry ya'll - this one is for remembrance more than anything else.
may the powers that be guide those that have been impacted by these human follies - and may the rest of us find enough clarity to realize that it doesn't have to be this way.
my motherland is being torn apart again and today more so than other days, i wish there was some way i could turn back the hands of time.i feel like my hands are tied - i'm stuck - i'm far enough to feel physically removed yet emotionally close enough to be completely devastated by all of this.
and yesterday - some nimrod opened fire in a Montreal schoolyard injuring 20something and killing 1. *double sigh*
there's so much suckage in this post right now that i don't think i can wax poetic. sorry ya'll - this one is for remembrance more than anything else.
may the powers that be guide those that have been impacted by these human follies - and may the rest of us find enough clarity to realize that it doesn't have to be this way.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
first day revelations...
On Sept 11th, five years after North Americans experienced one of its largest disasters, I nervously waited at Islington Station for Mikey’s mom and Aunt, clutching my bright yellow hold-all. I was hoping it made me invincible or heck, invisible at the least (doubtful considering the sheer propensity of my screaming yellow leather). It was officially the first day of my RCIA course.
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
First day revelations..
On Sept 11th, five years after North Americans experienced one of its largest disasters, I nervously waited at Islington Station for Mikey’s mom and Aunt, clutching my bright yellow hold-all. I was hoping it made me invincible or heck, invisible at the least (doubtful considering the sheer propensity of my screaming yellow leather). It was officially the first day of my RCIA course.
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
Monday, September 11, 2006
Ring a ling a ling..
it's housekeeping.
this morning i awoke to an echoing moan reverberating through the emptiness. Sound bounces off bereft walls making everything sound eerily louder. It must be the stillness that silently accompanies a lifeless void. The knowledge that nothing exists sends a shiver slithering down my spine. Words that once thrived, now shrivelled under the icy gaze of neglect (a cause for public flogging had I been a gardener and this blog my patch of green).
I realized, I was no better than a low down skeevin cheater - that was me. I got caught up in the glitz of the moment. I had forgotten my first love. Kicked my purpose to the curb in a flurry of activity. I had misplaced my reservoir of energy – that which let me introspectively script out the lyrics of the next song. To chart the next notes my life will sing (sans instrumentation of course).
And that's when it hit me.
I haven't been home. For those of you who don't remember me pre-flog - you met me part ways through. I was the verbiage girl - the one who felt far more comfortable hiding and burrowing behind constructions of the alphabet than cheesin’ before a camera. And yet, somewhere between the glare of flashes, I had fallen. Vanity got the best of me and idiom was left alone to wither by the wayside. Cruelly, I had forgotten to fill my most precious room with light.
So welcome home me.
May tomorrow and the days to come be filled with the sheer brilliance of visual sound.
this morning i awoke to an echoing moan reverberating through the emptiness. Sound bounces off bereft walls making everything sound eerily louder. It must be the stillness that silently accompanies a lifeless void. The knowledge that nothing exists sends a shiver slithering down my spine. Words that once thrived, now shrivelled under the icy gaze of neglect (a cause for public flogging had I been a gardener and this blog my patch of green).
I realized, I was no better than a low down skeevin cheater - that was me. I got caught up in the glitz of the moment. I had forgotten my first love. Kicked my purpose to the curb in a flurry of activity. I had misplaced my reservoir of energy – that which let me introspectively script out the lyrics of the next song. To chart the next notes my life will sing (sans instrumentation of course).
And that's when it hit me.
I haven't been home. For those of you who don't remember me pre-flog - you met me part ways through. I was the verbiage girl - the one who felt far more comfortable hiding and burrowing behind constructions of the alphabet than cheesin’ before a camera. And yet, somewhere between the glare of flashes, I had fallen. Vanity got the best of me and idiom was left alone to wither by the wayside. Cruelly, I had forgotten to fill my most precious room with light.
So welcome home me.
May tomorrow and the days to come be filled with the sheer brilliance of visual sound.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Which baby are you?
Thought i'd give this piece of virtual place some CPR - I'm trying folks - I promise to try and post more and more often.
here's a little something i received today - FYI: I'm an october baby!
---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom
Shows
Emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Down-to-Earth.
Stubborn.
----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and Clever.
Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined To
Reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.
Loves Aggressiveness. Too
Sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not Show
It. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely Shows
It. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and Hopes.
Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not
Outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn To Show
Emotions.
-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved.
>Secretive.
> >Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and
>serenity.
> >Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.
> >Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly
>shows emotions. Tends to
> >bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.
------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative.
Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.
Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude.
Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to Look
For information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh.
Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around.
Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy.
Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.
Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.
Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled.
Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical.
Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home.
Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.
------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be
Around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a
great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner. A
Wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection.
You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous
Actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings.
Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful.
Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms
Impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally.
Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.
Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self-control.
Kind hearted. Self-confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.
Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer.
Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved.
Hates studying. In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom.
Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "Beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed.
A fighter.
------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.
Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless.
Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore.
Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
--------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to take things at the center.
Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often.
Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends.
Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated.
Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but
Definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at Times.
Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
Your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive.
Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and
Very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands
Out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month.
If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means you're the most good-looking person possible...better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness.
Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind.
Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best.
Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills.
Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person.
Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome.
Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions.
Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
here's a little something i received today - FYI: I'm an october baby!
---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom
Shows
Emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Down-to-Earth.
Stubborn.
----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and Clever.
Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined To
Reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.
Loves Aggressiveness. Too
Sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not Show
It. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely Shows
It. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and Hopes.
Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not
Outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn To Show
Emotions.
-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved.
>Secretive.
> >Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and
>serenity.
> >Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.
> >Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly
>shows emotions. Tends to
> >bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.
------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative.
Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.
Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude.
Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to Look
For information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh.
Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around.
Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy.
Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.
Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.
Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled.
Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical.
Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home.
Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.
------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be
Around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a
great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner. A
Wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection.
You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous
Actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings.
Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful.
Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms
Impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally.
Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.
Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self-control.
Kind hearted. Self-confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.
Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer.
Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved.
Hates studying. In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom.
Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "Beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed.
A fighter.
------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.
Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless.
Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore.
Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
--------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to take things at the center.
Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often.
Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends.
Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated.
Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but
Definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at Times.
Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
Your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive.
Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and
Very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands
Out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month.
If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means you're the most good-looking person possible...better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness.
Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind.
Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best.
Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills.
Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person.
Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome.
Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions.
Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Blisters
Speckle the emotive half of my cerebrum.
The first half of Saturday was emotionally harrowing. Returning to a place filled with many a traumatizing memory, I thought I might be adult enough to make peace with my past. Unfortunately for me, that just wasn’t about to happen. From the moment I walked in to the moment I left- I had to hold the tears back. Steeled against what I knew was a pretense, I watched the dramatics unfold in this superficially staged play. He involved us. Involved amma in her own amma’s remembrance and for that I was thankful. I watched him, them, carefully. Scrutinizing their expressions for a crack in the put on veneer. Nope. Nothing. I guess they never felt it. Remorse should come from within but their insides are bereft of such feeling – I suppose. No matter, us girls stuck close to our father. And when we moved over to surround amma in a collective barrier of love, the boys covered dad. It was endearing really to see the result of our growth. We will never be them. That much is certain. The blisters, on the other hand, are unfit for band aids and antibacterial soap. It reminds me of something my grandma used to say: Wash your mouth with dettol. In her ignorance, she believed that lips that spoke ill could be cured with a slosh of dettol. I wonder how much you’d need to douse yourself in that stuff. No matter, I cried my little heart out in the car with Mikey. I cried not fully out of pain but mostly out of pity. Had she been alive, she would’ve realized the caliber of her spawn. And in disgrace, she would’ve cried too. That triggered the cascade of hurt and I just let it out. And gratefully, he let it pass – nothing said, no put on empathy given, no ‘saving face’ type words spoken. That’s why he fits in with us. Because he accepts us, as we are – not as what he thinks we can all become in the future.
The baby shower was interesting. It was fun spending time with the mom to be and my gorgeous girlfriends. It’s interesting how I can call them that. They were never mine to begin with and yet, through time something changed. I look at them the same way I look at my own – with concern, with my protective instincts ready to go up if the need arises, with loyalty and a tremendous amount of love. And that spilled over into an evening of pure bliss. M’s mom and dad joined the gang for Bear’s birthday soiree and once again I was tickled pink at how everything flowed flawlessly. We went back to their house and Bear’s broke open her pressies to find enough new gear to transform the borderline tom boy into a chic summer ready fashionista. Everyone did good with picking out things for her – all in all, it was a memorable night indeed.
Sunday was filled with rekindling some old fires with Mikeys mom. Things have been slightly shaky between us thanks to january’s verbal bout of ick. Thankfully, when I saw her things felt newer, better, familiar. She was my friend again but only because the two weeks away made me realize that I like having her in my life. More as a friend than a relative. And when we did hang out, that’s what I remembered the most. The friend part. She brought back tones of goodies for me from dubai and cochin. And as she was showing me each thing, I saw how excited she got watching me become excited. It was nice to return to that familiar feeling – like jammies that you lost and accidently found. Comfortable.
The rest of Sunday was spent doing work. Literally. In front of my laptop writing for hours. C’est la vie! Hopefully everyone had two days of bliss.
--
Mission for the coming week: get rid of all tell tale signs of those barely there blisters.
The first half of Saturday was emotionally harrowing. Returning to a place filled with many a traumatizing memory, I thought I might be adult enough to make peace with my past. Unfortunately for me, that just wasn’t about to happen. From the moment I walked in to the moment I left- I had to hold the tears back. Steeled against what I knew was a pretense, I watched the dramatics unfold in this superficially staged play. He involved us. Involved amma in her own amma’s remembrance and for that I was thankful. I watched him, them, carefully. Scrutinizing their expressions for a crack in the put on veneer. Nope. Nothing. I guess they never felt it. Remorse should come from within but their insides are bereft of such feeling – I suppose. No matter, us girls stuck close to our father. And when we moved over to surround amma in a collective barrier of love, the boys covered dad. It was endearing really to see the result of our growth. We will never be them. That much is certain. The blisters, on the other hand, are unfit for band aids and antibacterial soap. It reminds me of something my grandma used to say: Wash your mouth with dettol. In her ignorance, she believed that lips that spoke ill could be cured with a slosh of dettol. I wonder how much you’d need to douse yourself in that stuff. No matter, I cried my little heart out in the car with Mikey. I cried not fully out of pain but mostly out of pity. Had she been alive, she would’ve realized the caliber of her spawn. And in disgrace, she would’ve cried too. That triggered the cascade of hurt and I just let it out. And gratefully, he let it pass – nothing said, no put on empathy given, no ‘saving face’ type words spoken. That’s why he fits in with us. Because he accepts us, as we are – not as what he thinks we can all become in the future.
The baby shower was interesting. It was fun spending time with the mom to be and my gorgeous girlfriends. It’s interesting how I can call them that. They were never mine to begin with and yet, through time something changed. I look at them the same way I look at my own – with concern, with my protective instincts ready to go up if the need arises, with loyalty and a tremendous amount of love. And that spilled over into an evening of pure bliss. M’s mom and dad joined the gang for Bear’s birthday soiree and once again I was tickled pink at how everything flowed flawlessly. We went back to their house and Bear’s broke open her pressies to find enough new gear to transform the borderline tom boy into a chic summer ready fashionista. Everyone did good with picking out things for her – all in all, it was a memorable night indeed.
Sunday was filled with rekindling some old fires with Mikeys mom. Things have been slightly shaky between us thanks to january’s verbal bout of ick. Thankfully, when I saw her things felt newer, better, familiar. She was my friend again but only because the two weeks away made me realize that I like having her in my life. More as a friend than a relative. And when we did hang out, that’s what I remembered the most. The friend part. She brought back tones of goodies for me from dubai and cochin. And as she was showing me each thing, I saw how excited she got watching me become excited. It was nice to return to that familiar feeling – like jammies that you lost and accidently found. Comfortable.
The rest of Sunday was spent doing work. Literally. In front of my laptop writing for hours. C’est la vie! Hopefully everyone had two days of bliss.
--
Mission for the coming week: get rid of all tell tale signs of those barely there blisters.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Tamarind
Laced fingers – practically indistinguishable genetically yet separate thanks to 44 years that distanced us.
Fair. Spotted. Translucent. Strange I thought. Mine didn’t look so shimmery in the light. She was special from the start. Little did I know that was also a sign of her battle where swords were drawn against an undefeatable opponent - time.
We’d sit for hours on the balcony, cordoned off from the rickety railway tracks watching life as it was lived on the outskirts of our secure bubble. That was the beauty of 75 International Buddhist Center Road. The only house on the road painstakingly build from ground up by hands fueled with tamil blood – hands that were widely considered honorary Sinhalese ones. I loved leaning back on her cushiony bosom and listening to her whisper the stories that birthed me. From nothing to everything, her hands would gently caress mine and I learned from life about the caliber of humanity. Enough to pen unbirthed novels, she’d say. Unbirthed, still.
Hours would pass, with us sitting in papaya seeds scattered like freckles on crisp clean marble. Freckles like tamarind seeds precariously placed on steaming coconut rice. It was her moment to shine. In me, she left her essence – imprinted in words. We shared so much, more than most would imagine – the 9 year old me and the 53 year old her – somehow of one spirit. Harlequins, dreams, Enid Blyton, poetry, sunset wishes, steaming puttu slick with butter and crystallized sugar, jam consumed in secrecy – she was the consummate best friend before I realized I had another. Through welded iron and glass windows, we would patiently wait for the sunset – all the while making wishes that she full well believed would come true.
“ke sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see, ke sera sera.”
The lilt of her song has followed me through countries, languages, moments of discovery, self-awareness, rebellion – they never left my side. In reflections, I see it as the invisible person in the room. A shadow that casts itself and shatters the common perception of me. It defines my roots and in turn the person I’ve become. In some ways, it is my soundtrack.
There’s no need to worry about me. The pain, it seems to have fallen away – it’s not as sharp or as tart as the first taste of tamarind on unfamiliar lips. It molded me, became a part of my rhetoric – so much so that I don’t realize she’s gone until I’m reminded by her two ungrateful spawns that its time for a ‘show’.
Many many years ago, I thought I saw that familiar spirit in my newborn cousin. But I was wrong because I quickly realized – you cannot embody the essence of someone if you were never touched by her life. Now, I pity them. They never ever knew the real her – sure she was their mom but never their friend. The her that had dreams of Japanese flowers (that’s how amma got them – osmosis perhaps), wanted to travel sans drama, wanted a parivar that was connected in truity not pretense….she wanted so much out of life and most of it – just never came true. And that, is something none of them will ever know about her. I guess that’s why we try so hard to be friends with our amma, that’s why we’re insanely close because we (her grandkids) saw how the lack of those things – erased her.
This Saturday – tomorrow – the tamil calendar marks her 20th death anniversary and in a big cold house in the middle of nowhere, her life will be remembered by those that never remembered her when there was life to still live. And for the first time in many many many years of proactively deciding to wrench myself and my parivar away from the pretense – a reunion of sorts is in the works. I’ll be there in person – doing what needs to be done as the first grandchild in the family. And as the first –I will smile while holding down the tartness of this experience somewhere deep within.
And behind every smile will be the silent reminder: we may have forgiven the actions of the past but never will we forget.
Ke sera, sera.
Fair. Spotted. Translucent. Strange I thought. Mine didn’t look so shimmery in the light. She was special from the start. Little did I know that was also a sign of her battle where swords were drawn against an undefeatable opponent - time.
We’d sit for hours on the balcony, cordoned off from the rickety railway tracks watching life as it was lived on the outskirts of our secure bubble. That was the beauty of 75 International Buddhist Center Road. The only house on the road painstakingly build from ground up by hands fueled with tamil blood – hands that were widely considered honorary Sinhalese ones. I loved leaning back on her cushiony bosom and listening to her whisper the stories that birthed me. From nothing to everything, her hands would gently caress mine and I learned from life about the caliber of humanity. Enough to pen unbirthed novels, she’d say. Unbirthed, still.
Hours would pass, with us sitting in papaya seeds scattered like freckles on crisp clean marble. Freckles like tamarind seeds precariously placed on steaming coconut rice. It was her moment to shine. In me, she left her essence – imprinted in words. We shared so much, more than most would imagine – the 9 year old me and the 53 year old her – somehow of one spirit. Harlequins, dreams, Enid Blyton, poetry, sunset wishes, steaming puttu slick with butter and crystallized sugar, jam consumed in secrecy – she was the consummate best friend before I realized I had another. Through welded iron and glass windows, we would patiently wait for the sunset – all the while making wishes that she full well believed would come true.
“ke sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see, ke sera sera.”
The lilt of her song has followed me through countries, languages, moments of discovery, self-awareness, rebellion – they never left my side. In reflections, I see it as the invisible person in the room. A shadow that casts itself and shatters the common perception of me. It defines my roots and in turn the person I’ve become. In some ways, it is my soundtrack.
There’s no need to worry about me. The pain, it seems to have fallen away – it’s not as sharp or as tart as the first taste of tamarind on unfamiliar lips. It molded me, became a part of my rhetoric – so much so that I don’t realize she’s gone until I’m reminded by her two ungrateful spawns that its time for a ‘show’.
Many many years ago, I thought I saw that familiar spirit in my newborn cousin. But I was wrong because I quickly realized – you cannot embody the essence of someone if you were never touched by her life. Now, I pity them. They never ever knew the real her – sure she was their mom but never their friend. The her that had dreams of Japanese flowers (that’s how amma got them – osmosis perhaps), wanted to travel sans drama, wanted a parivar that was connected in truity not pretense….she wanted so much out of life and most of it – just never came true. And that, is something none of them will ever know about her. I guess that’s why we try so hard to be friends with our amma, that’s why we’re insanely close because we (her grandkids) saw how the lack of those things – erased her.
This Saturday – tomorrow – the tamil calendar marks her 20th death anniversary and in a big cold house in the middle of nowhere, her life will be remembered by those that never remembered her when there was life to still live. And for the first time in many many many years of proactively deciding to wrench myself and my parivar away from the pretense – a reunion of sorts is in the works. I’ll be there in person – doing what needs to be done as the first grandchild in the family. And as the first –I will smile while holding down the tartness of this experience somewhere deep within.
And behind every smile will be the silent reminder: we may have forgiven the actions of the past but never will we forget.
Ke sera, sera.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Aching
It never dawned on me how much I missed that characteristic scent of her. Or the way her hands, lighter than the brown skin I was loosely wrapped in, would stroke my nightingale locks. Or how her once dark hair speckled with grey flecks of experience, shimmered when the light illuminated her in 90degree parameters. Of the way her cheeks rose and fell at the command of her plump lips oftentimes whispering encouraging lyrics to wounded ears. To the wide eyed and idealistic ones, she was beauty defined. Ageless and transcending reality. That’s what I miss the most today. The ability to take one look at her shadowy pools of darkness and know that this too shall pass. Ironically, she taught me just that.
--
why is she on my mind? because 20 years ago to this very day, i was in her arms blissfully unaware that in 11 days - she'd fall through the cracks of karma and leave me searching...forever.
--
why is she on my mind? because 20 years ago to this very day, i was in her arms blissfully unaware that in 11 days - she'd fall through the cracks of karma and leave me searching...forever.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
2 Funerals and an Engagement.
The beginning of this week slapped the euphoric joy that had somehow lodged itself into my existence after my friend R’s engagement-do at her local Guju mandir. For a second, I felt it. I actually felt tremors of something run down my spinal chord and it was good to know that I can still feel things (lately I’ve been forgetting how that happens). That moment of infinite joy as you see someone walk into the phase of life that they so desperately dreamt of for years and years and years – is heady to say the least. This girl was the die hard romantic even at the worst of times. She truly, madly, deeply believed in the power of love culminating in the union of two. So after a few fumbles and falls, it was nice to know that the universe does conspire to make some things happen – as they should. Bliss.
Earlier this week, I fell smack dab into two funerals. My old age must be gaining on me because I’m starting to find that viewings take a toll on my psychological health. I get there, I stare into tear filled eyes and I subconsciously place myself in their shoes. Size 8 or not, they fit. And once again, I feel something. This time it hits my core. Imagine a linebacker vs. a rag doll. Yup. That’s what it was. That’s how it is. I hear their wails and my unmoving lips wail like ventriloquists do. Gutteral. Hurt. Displaced. I peer into the open casket and I see familiar faces of grandparents passed on, an appapatti surviving the ride, a dad that doesn’t care enough to control his diabetes – and it begins. The eyes fill up and overflow because they can’t contain the hurt the heart feels. It doesn’t seem to matter who it is – I put myself there and I cry for them as much as I cry for myself.
Leaving sucks. Being left behind sucks even more.
On my way out of the funeral hall, I ran into a family friend. A strong Sri Lankan woman who recently lost her father. Sure, they weren’t on the best of terms. Sure, she didn’t even live with him. Neither did her mom. Yet, when I saw her. I felt her grief. Or maybe it was my guilt that came rushing through. Guilt for not taking the time to even make an appearance at the viewing. Guilt for not reaching out when she could’ve used the extra shoulder. And it hit me again. Maybe it was just guilt I felt thanks to the selfish me.
The ride home that night was filled with us four women freaking out. And boy oh boy, what a sight that was! Nobody exaggerates things more than we do. As we drove away from the funeral parlor, you could hear are unspoken thoughts – thank god, it wasn’t one of ours. Thank god, that our close knit family is still just that – close knit and alive. I do this every time I hear about inner city violence, or the sound of squealing tires followed by sirens, or my eyes glance through the obituaries. I think it – tinged with guilt, it smarts on its way up – but I continue doing it. I broke down a conversation that I had with my cousin at the viewing where she reaffirmed that very same sentiment in hushed whispers.
Thank god, it wasn’t one of ours.
I wonder what the karmic retribution for that selfish thought is. Whatever it maybe, bring it on world because I’m certain that I will think it again.
Earlier this week, I fell smack dab into two funerals. My old age must be gaining on me because I’m starting to find that viewings take a toll on my psychological health. I get there, I stare into tear filled eyes and I subconsciously place myself in their shoes. Size 8 or not, they fit. And once again, I feel something. This time it hits my core. Imagine a linebacker vs. a rag doll. Yup. That’s what it was. That’s how it is. I hear their wails and my unmoving lips wail like ventriloquists do. Gutteral. Hurt. Displaced. I peer into the open casket and I see familiar faces of grandparents passed on, an appapatti surviving the ride, a dad that doesn’t care enough to control his diabetes – and it begins. The eyes fill up and overflow because they can’t contain the hurt the heart feels. It doesn’t seem to matter who it is – I put myself there and I cry for them as much as I cry for myself.
Leaving sucks. Being left behind sucks even more.
On my way out of the funeral hall, I ran into a family friend. A strong Sri Lankan woman who recently lost her father. Sure, they weren’t on the best of terms. Sure, she didn’t even live with him. Neither did her mom. Yet, when I saw her. I felt her grief. Or maybe it was my guilt that came rushing through. Guilt for not taking the time to even make an appearance at the viewing. Guilt for not reaching out when she could’ve used the extra shoulder. And it hit me again. Maybe it was just guilt I felt thanks to the selfish me.
The ride home that night was filled with us four women freaking out. And boy oh boy, what a sight that was! Nobody exaggerates things more than we do. As we drove away from the funeral parlor, you could hear are unspoken thoughts – thank god, it wasn’t one of ours. Thank god, that our close knit family is still just that – close knit and alive. I do this every time I hear about inner city violence, or the sound of squealing tires followed by sirens, or my eyes glance through the obituaries. I think it – tinged with guilt, it smarts on its way up – but I continue doing it. I broke down a conversation that I had with my cousin at the viewing where she reaffirmed that very same sentiment in hushed whispers.
Thank god, it wasn’t one of ours.
I wonder what the karmic retribution for that selfish thought is. Whatever it maybe, bring it on world because I’m certain that I will think it again.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Yesterday...
Her confidence shriveled to fit the standard manila 9.5" x 4.125" coffin, cushioned by the canned message that a communications nerd penned, unfeelingly.
Rejected - Again.
It didn’t seem to matter that she had mentally prepared herself for this – her worst case scenario. It still stung like a wild hornet feasting on her DNA.
Lighter, that’s what it feels like when you’re stripped of the goals that drive you forward.
One down, two more to go. Until the calm returns, she’ll hide behind pleasant smiles and sugar coated niceness – all the while nursing the limping dream within.
At times like this, logic escapes the soul. And this state of slow submersion, feels eternal. Caught somewhere between the folds of that letter, was her rising nightmare.
She will survive. Because, rejection eventually fuels dreams that are real.
I just hope that she knows this for herself.
Rejected - Again.
It didn’t seem to matter that she had mentally prepared herself for this – her worst case scenario. It still stung like a wild hornet feasting on her DNA.
Lighter, that’s what it feels like when you’re stripped of the goals that drive you forward.
One down, two more to go. Until the calm returns, she’ll hide behind pleasant smiles and sugar coated niceness – all the while nursing the limping dream within.
At times like this, logic escapes the soul. And this state of slow submersion, feels eternal. Caught somewhere between the folds of that letter, was her rising nightmare.
She will survive. Because, rejection eventually fuels dreams that are real.
I just hope that she knows this for herself.
True or False - Answered truthfully.
Another goodie courtesy of Susan.
--::--
I am a cuddler – false – except when I’m pmsing and need some positive “touch”
I am a morning person – True – bright and early (as in 5:00am on a sat morning)
I am a perfectionist – True – If I think I can’t get it right, I don’t do it at all (a curse)
I am an only child - False – and thank heavens for that. Only children are weird.
I am Catholic – False – but I’m apparently gonna marry one – can I get into the club?
I am currently in my pajamas –False – although I wish I were – that might make for some great work comedy
I am single: True – born alone. Will die alone. In the meantime, I hang out with many.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart – True – I’ve disappointed my inner child by going corporate canada-esque
I am okay at styling other people's hair – True – as long as you don’t have creepy crawlies in there
I am left handed – False – although most people assume I am b/c I wear my watch on my right wrist
I am addicted to my myspace – False – if by that you mean my room, then yes. Yes I am.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message – False – I wish I had the patience to be that connected.
I am very shy around the opposite gender at first – True – I’m shy and my defense mechanism is extroversion. Strange eh?
I bite my nails – False – I used to bite my toe nails ONLY thank you very much.
I can be paranoid at times – True – at times? Nuh uh, its second nature on most days.
I currently regret something that I have said or done- True – I’m always regretting things and then forgetting why I was regretting them
When I get mad I curse frequently – True – I make sailors blush and sea monsters run for cover
I get mad frequently – True – anger management classes are required. (a side effect of a Type A personality, don’t you know)
I don't like anyone – False – Oftentimes, I know if I’m feeling someone in the first few seconds that I meet them. Although, my judgment has sometimes led me astray.
I enjoy country music- True – but only because Im not a big music-head so, I enjoy anything with a good beat depending on the mood I’m in.
I enjoy jazz music – True – see above.
I enjoy smoothies –True – slurpable nutrients: yummers. If only all fruit came in this format.
I enjoy talking on the phone – True – I used to be a phone monger but, in my old age I’ve discovered that I prefer communicating through email.
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school –False – I can focus like it’s nobody’s business.
I have a lot to learn – True – Regardless of how far I come, I still feel like a fetus in comparison to soooo many people I idolize.
I have a pet – True – Her name is Rama. I pet her often and even walk her on most days.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal – True – One? Don’t you mean many? That’s the joy of being alive in my books – learning by falling flat on my face and then trying hard to deflate attention by hiding it all.
I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person – True – I used to. And maybe I still do. It’s just that this time the “wrong” person (as in type/personality) turned out to be the perfect one for me.
I have all my grandparents – False – I wish I did. One left.
I have at least one sibling – True – Thank heavens for that.
I have been told that I am smart – True – All my life. Although quite frankly, I’d much rather be the pretty one.
I have broken a bone – False – If you know me, you’d know I’m waaay too scared of anything physical.
I have Caller I.D. on my phone – True – who doesn’t?
I have changed a diaper – True – more times than I care to remember.
I have changed a lot over the past year – True – Change is the only constant in my existence these days.
I have done something illegal –True – I plead the fifth on details – chalk it up to secrets I’m too ashamed to share.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color – False
I have had major/minor surgery – True
I have killed another person – True – If emotional death counts then yes – Karma will certainly kick my ass for those disasters
I have had my hair cut/colored within the last week – True – I got my fringe trimmed.
I have had the cops called on me – True – OMG, I’m starting to realize that I’m a bad ass.
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't – True – More times than I care to remember.
--::--
I am a cuddler – false – except when I’m pmsing and need some positive “touch”
I am a morning person – True – bright and early (as in 5:00am on a sat morning)
I am a perfectionist – True – If I think I can’t get it right, I don’t do it at all (a curse)
I am an only child - False – and thank heavens for that. Only children are weird.
I am Catholic – False – but I’m apparently gonna marry one – can I get into the club?
I am currently in my pajamas –False – although I wish I were – that might make for some great work comedy
I am single: True – born alone. Will die alone. In the meantime, I hang out with many.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart – True – I’ve disappointed my inner child by going corporate canada-esque
I am okay at styling other people's hair – True – as long as you don’t have creepy crawlies in there
I am left handed – False – although most people assume I am b/c I wear my watch on my right wrist
I am addicted to my myspace – False – if by that you mean my room, then yes. Yes I am.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message – False – I wish I had the patience to be that connected.
I am very shy around the opposite gender at first – True – I’m shy and my defense mechanism is extroversion. Strange eh?
I bite my nails – False – I used to bite my toe nails ONLY thank you very much.
I can be paranoid at times – True – at times? Nuh uh, its second nature on most days.
I currently regret something that I have said or done- True – I’m always regretting things and then forgetting why I was regretting them
When I get mad I curse frequently – True – I make sailors blush and sea monsters run for cover
I get mad frequently – True – anger management classes are required. (a side effect of a Type A personality, don’t you know)
I don't like anyone – False – Oftentimes, I know if I’m feeling someone in the first few seconds that I meet them. Although, my judgment has sometimes led me astray.
I enjoy country music- True – but only because Im not a big music-head so, I enjoy anything with a good beat depending on the mood I’m in.
I enjoy jazz music – True – see above.
I enjoy smoothies –True – slurpable nutrients: yummers. If only all fruit came in this format.
I enjoy talking on the phone – True – I used to be a phone monger but, in my old age I’ve discovered that I prefer communicating through email.
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school –False – I can focus like it’s nobody’s business.
I have a lot to learn – True – Regardless of how far I come, I still feel like a fetus in comparison to soooo many people I idolize.
I have a pet – True – Her name is Rama. I pet her often and even walk her on most days.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal – True – One? Don’t you mean many? That’s the joy of being alive in my books – learning by falling flat on my face and then trying hard to deflate attention by hiding it all.
I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person – True – I used to. And maybe I still do. It’s just that this time the “wrong” person (as in type/personality) turned out to be the perfect one for me.
I have all my grandparents – False – I wish I did. One left.
I have at least one sibling – True – Thank heavens for that.
I have been told that I am smart – True – All my life. Although quite frankly, I’d much rather be the pretty one.
I have broken a bone – False – If you know me, you’d know I’m waaay too scared of anything physical.
I have Caller I.D. on my phone – True – who doesn’t?
I have changed a diaper – True – more times than I care to remember.
I have changed a lot over the past year – True – Change is the only constant in my existence these days.
I have done something illegal –True – I plead the fifth on details – chalk it up to secrets I’m too ashamed to share.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color – False
I have had major/minor surgery – True
I have killed another person – True – If emotional death counts then yes – Karma will certainly kick my ass for those disasters
I have had my hair cut/colored within the last week – True – I got my fringe trimmed.
I have had the cops called on me – True – OMG, I’m starting to realize that I’m a bad ass.
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't – True – More times than I care to remember.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Slurp
Lick. Lick. Lick. Stop.
A mouth-watering medley of random moments captured in its purest form. One plus one equals one, especially when both co-dependent entities share one navel attaching human twine. Made from the same dirt like renditions of Van Gogh that can merely be imitated but never really duplicated. I have that. Sheltered and protected like a secret stash of soul food, nestled away in hard to locate regions of my life. And when I have days where the joy outweighs the pain or vice versa – I burrow deep to unearth my hidden treasure.
Today, I had a Friday – kinda epiphany glazed with sundrops thanks to Mama Spring and her dutiful herons. It arrived virtually. For the first time ever – as in EVER EVER – I felt like Mikes was my own. Not the same as what I described above (nothing can touch that relation of the soul) but similar enough to shrink the distance that separates two strangers. What did he do to deserve this promotion? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. It was fleeting. A mere thoughtlet that brought a smile to my lips and touched the corners of my eyes. And in that moment I felt the onion-layer effect.
This relationship, our relationship, has been just that. A gradual process of revealing layers – physical, emotional and psychological. Slowly we undress in front of each other under bright life-permeating lights– playing a celestial game of de-masking the soul. And oftentimes, I find this grating a process (read: nails on a chalk board) while I’m sure he barely notices the intricacies of this dance. Peeling back all the fronts that we cultivate through life is hard work, far more back breaking than casual relationships with friends who come with unmentionable benefits. Life long loving is tough. Yet today, it felt effortless. I’ve nursed this burgeoning excitement all day. Not because we plan to cause a ruckus tonight, or heck even get into anything super-exciting but, simply because I’ll get to see him. Hanging out with him far exceeds a “Pretty Woman”esque romantic date with any other stranger – and I adore that. Today, I feel like he’s one step closer to being my family. Not quite there yet but, heck he’s certainly not stuck at the bottom of the ladder anymore.
It’s quite fascinating how a person can go from merely mattering to having a profound effect on your life in nanoseconds. Something happens that changes the energy that surrounds your relationship and suddenly – you are caught in a whirlwind. Déjà vu – our first date was reminiscent of this. At the beginning of the evening almost three years ago, I couldn’t wait for our date to end. And somewhere between watching an independent film, indulging in chocolate toast and bubble tea and a chilly walk through a bustling uptown street – something changed. He planted his lips firmly on mine and breathed life to a brand new rishtha (relationship) that has stood the test of time and temperament.
Why this sudden introspection regarding the one thing I don’t worry about too often? Perhaps its our approaching anniversary (april 11) or perhaps its the ring finger on my left hand finally saying: I get it. I do. I do. I do.
Knowledge is power people. Especially when you begin to know yourself. It definitely lives on the list of yummiest moments in my life, thus far.
Have a good weekend.
A mouth-watering medley of random moments captured in its purest form. One plus one equals one, especially when both co-dependent entities share one navel attaching human twine. Made from the same dirt like renditions of Van Gogh that can merely be imitated but never really duplicated. I have that. Sheltered and protected like a secret stash of soul food, nestled away in hard to locate regions of my life. And when I have days where the joy outweighs the pain or vice versa – I burrow deep to unearth my hidden treasure.
Today, I had a Friday – kinda epiphany glazed with sundrops thanks to Mama Spring and her dutiful herons. It arrived virtually. For the first time ever – as in EVER EVER – I felt like Mikes was my own. Not the same as what I described above (nothing can touch that relation of the soul) but similar enough to shrink the distance that separates two strangers. What did he do to deserve this promotion? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. It was fleeting. A mere thoughtlet that brought a smile to my lips and touched the corners of my eyes. And in that moment I felt the onion-layer effect.
This relationship, our relationship, has been just that. A gradual process of revealing layers – physical, emotional and psychological. Slowly we undress in front of each other under bright life-permeating lights– playing a celestial game of de-masking the soul. And oftentimes, I find this grating a process (read: nails on a chalk board) while I’m sure he barely notices the intricacies of this dance. Peeling back all the fronts that we cultivate through life is hard work, far more back breaking than casual relationships with friends who come with unmentionable benefits. Life long loving is tough. Yet today, it felt effortless. I’ve nursed this burgeoning excitement all day. Not because we plan to cause a ruckus tonight, or heck even get into anything super-exciting but, simply because I’ll get to see him. Hanging out with him far exceeds a “Pretty Woman”esque romantic date with any other stranger – and I adore that. Today, I feel like he’s one step closer to being my family. Not quite there yet but, heck he’s certainly not stuck at the bottom of the ladder anymore.
It’s quite fascinating how a person can go from merely mattering to having a profound effect on your life in nanoseconds. Something happens that changes the energy that surrounds your relationship and suddenly – you are caught in a whirlwind. Déjà vu – our first date was reminiscent of this. At the beginning of the evening almost three years ago, I couldn’t wait for our date to end. And somewhere between watching an independent film, indulging in chocolate toast and bubble tea and a chilly walk through a bustling uptown street – something changed. He planted his lips firmly on mine and breathed life to a brand new rishtha (relationship) that has stood the test of time and temperament.
Why this sudden introspection regarding the one thing I don’t worry about too often? Perhaps its our approaching anniversary (april 11) or perhaps its the ring finger on my left hand finally saying: I get it. I do. I do. I do.
Knowledge is power people. Especially when you begin to know yourself. It definitely lives on the list of yummiest moments in my life, thus far.
Have a good weekend.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Hide & Seek
that's the game I tend to play with my heart. Often they start in the darkness of night, when nobody is watching and no one is accountable for getting lost or getting found. I find that I lose myself in the day. Between tasks, thoughts, trials, tribulations, trails that never end and I toil like the day never began.
On most days, i wish that darkness would stay a little longer. To fortify my childlike soul, constantly fighting against the flow. Reality is merely that - real. Momentary. Fleeting. Unyielding. Unsatisfactory. Permanent. Nothing you do can be undone because it disappears as waves do, silently - marklessly. If you blink too long, you might end up missing all of it.
And that's where I am, today. An eternal blink where my pupils hide behind fearful reefs - unceremoniously avoiding the piercing gaze of life. Raw. Why must anything powerful come with change? What happened to unicorns with pale shimmery wings and the magic forest with the promise of hide and never be found?
It's there. Nestled somewhere inbetween who I am and what I've learnt through the course of this life - it's there. In hiding. Incognito. Still waiting to be found.
3...2...1.
Damn, its still coming up short.
On most days, i wish that darkness would stay a little longer. To fortify my childlike soul, constantly fighting against the flow. Reality is merely that - real. Momentary. Fleeting. Unyielding. Unsatisfactory. Permanent. Nothing you do can be undone because it disappears as waves do, silently - marklessly. If you blink too long, you might end up missing all of it.
And that's where I am, today. An eternal blink where my pupils hide behind fearful reefs - unceremoniously avoiding the piercing gaze of life. Raw. Why must anything powerful come with change? What happened to unicorns with pale shimmery wings and the magic forest with the promise of hide and never be found?
It's there. Nestled somewhere inbetween who I am and what I've learnt through the course of this life - it's there. In hiding. Incognito. Still waiting to be found.
3...2...1.
Damn, its still coming up short.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
One instance
when stealing rocks.
I found this on malvado's page (a fellow flogger) as his descriptive blurb. And I couldn't help but think that this is what ALL OF US should be aiming for. F*ck being safe. F*ck playing it conservative. If all we have is one chance, lets turn this muthaf*#kin' place out!
Hopefully, he won't mind me posting his words of wisdom!
---:::---
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out , and loudly proclaiming...WOW, that was one hell of a ride!"
I found this on malvado's page (a fellow flogger) as his descriptive blurb. And I couldn't help but think that this is what ALL OF US should be aiming for. F*ck being safe. F*ck playing it conservative. If all we have is one chance, lets turn this muthaf*#kin' place out!
Hopefully, he won't mind me posting his words of wisdom!
---:::---
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out , and loudly proclaiming...WOW, that was one hell of a ride!"
Friday, March 24, 2006
Miniscule
On some days, that’s how this life feels. Small, manageable, easy to clean up and put away. Unfortunately, I haven’t had one of those days in quite a while. Lately, things have been changing all around me and being the water sign that I am, I tend to ebb, flow and change directions simply by being alive.
Breathe in. Breathe out. A mantra or a forced reminder?
On a good day, it feels like someone’s sitting on the remote that controls my life and their ass cheek hit the fast forward button on my existence. Super sonic speeds –enough to make anyone feel like they’re caught in a whirlwind. And I’m starting to realize that I’m only human. (kinda late but hey, better late than never right)
Five things that have changed in 2006:
1.the way I see myself in terms of my career aspirations – juggling balls is the only metaphor that seems to work.
2.the way I see my family – ever since my left hand has been honoured with a ring – I feel even more attached to my family (if that’s possible). I look longingly at each of them, usually at inopportune moments (thereby making myself the butt of their jokes) in fear of leaving and losing. this worries me to no end. everything in life has only proven that marriage complicates matters of the heart. i refuse to let that happen with me. i refuse to be torn from the dirt that i'm made of. and that is my single-minded goal.
3.the way I see mikey – before he was just a boy that I liked hanging out with – now, he’s a boy that I’m willing to live with – and that’s huge. Not at all the romantic fairytale – I see work, work and more back breaking work. In a good way. Loving my family is easy. Loving them every day, unconditionally is damn hard. And now, i'm learning to do that with Mikey. I'm learning to love him unconditionally (not in a hallmark-speak way but in a if you were crippled, i'd still love you way) - sounds harsh? well, atleast its real.
4.the way I interact with “love” – it feels more real now. Surprisingly so. Especially because I always assumed that nothing would change. Now, I look at my growing parivar and I shake my head in apprehension. How am I going to make this work? I don’t know if I have enough love to give to all these extra new people – I can take anything that the people in my family throw at me and now, I’ve gotta add more than a generous helping of resilience to these new loves – in the name of growing pains that is. all i have to travel on is hope and a prayer.
5.my definition of self – a daughter, a sister, a writer, a friend, a girlfriend, a protector, a lifelong learner, a scared almost 30year old on the verge of yet another direction change – my river keeps flowing despite the course it takes. And I keep looking back to make sure that the ones that I love are still there, anchoring me – I’m co-dependent on my family when it comes to defining myself. Pathetic? Maybe so. But, it’s the only way I know how to play this game.
Phew. Exhale.
Thankfully it’s another Friday. The beginning of a weekend sans wedding planning. A weekend where I hope to nurse myself better, kick this flu bug and get in some quality family time. I need it.
Heck, when have I ever not needed more family time???!
Breathe in. Breathe out. A mantra or a forced reminder?
On a good day, it feels like someone’s sitting on the remote that controls my life and their ass cheek hit the fast forward button on my existence. Super sonic speeds –enough to make anyone feel like they’re caught in a whirlwind. And I’m starting to realize that I’m only human. (kinda late but hey, better late than never right)
Five things that have changed in 2006:
1.the way I see myself in terms of my career aspirations – juggling balls is the only metaphor that seems to work.
2.the way I see my family – ever since my left hand has been honoured with a ring – I feel even more attached to my family (if that’s possible). I look longingly at each of them, usually at inopportune moments (thereby making myself the butt of their jokes) in fear of leaving and losing. this worries me to no end. everything in life has only proven that marriage complicates matters of the heart. i refuse to let that happen with me. i refuse to be torn from the dirt that i'm made of. and that is my single-minded goal.
3.the way I see mikey – before he was just a boy that I liked hanging out with – now, he’s a boy that I’m willing to live with – and that’s huge. Not at all the romantic fairytale – I see work, work and more back breaking work. In a good way. Loving my family is easy. Loving them every day, unconditionally is damn hard. And now, i'm learning to do that with Mikey. I'm learning to love him unconditionally (not in a hallmark-speak way but in a if you were crippled, i'd still love you way) - sounds harsh? well, atleast its real.
4.the way I interact with “love” – it feels more real now. Surprisingly so. Especially because I always assumed that nothing would change. Now, I look at my growing parivar and I shake my head in apprehension. How am I going to make this work? I don’t know if I have enough love to give to all these extra new people – I can take anything that the people in my family throw at me and now, I’ve gotta add more than a generous helping of resilience to these new loves – in the name of growing pains that is. all i have to travel on is hope and a prayer.
5.my definition of self – a daughter, a sister, a writer, a friend, a girlfriend, a protector, a lifelong learner, a scared almost 30year old on the verge of yet another direction change – my river keeps flowing despite the course it takes. And I keep looking back to make sure that the ones that I love are still there, anchoring me – I’m co-dependent on my family when it comes to defining myself. Pathetic? Maybe so. But, it’s the only way I know how to play this game.
Phew. Exhale.
Thankfully it’s another Friday. The beginning of a weekend sans wedding planning. A weekend where I hope to nurse myself better, kick this flu bug and get in some quality family time. I need it.
Heck, when have I ever not needed more family time???!
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