May 28 2007

17 days to go.

Woah.

Right now, the only feelings I can accurately identify are those of fear. Everything's got me emotional - it's like i'm all tied up on the inside and everything opens those flood gates. My tear ducts are worn out - overused like coochies on Queen street hoes - willing to spread eagle and let their essence flow at the drop of a dime. Sad, but it's true. In the last few months, I've become that which i despise the most: an overly emotional suck.

The knowledge that a new chapter waits to be written is terrifying. My innards feel frozen - held firmly in a steadfast grip. And sensing my hesitation, my fingers convulse. The pen waiting to be guided with no guidance at all. Ink splatters bring the inside to the outside - a public announcement of this benumbed state.

Me? Married? In 17 Days?

Heart, don't fail me now.

A thousand half baked thoughts rush through my head:

* What will the 17th of June look like once the euphoria of the wedding(s) wear off?
* Me, someone's wife? Are they being for real?
* Leaving home, where my heart is, to move to another person's home?
* My dad...the sweetness of waking to know that he is merely 2 doors and 6 steps to the right of me. Now what?
* My mom's foaming morning coffee and her special dose of motherly jocularity - on a scale of 1 to 10 - how much will this ache, ache?
* Rashmi's reverberating music - my 5am dj - will i miss it or recreate it with an insomniac ipod?
* Kissing Rama's forehead in the morning, every morning before rushing out - a new ritual? or a picture that i lamely stare at?
* Lighting a lamp in my own sami room - who will i pray with? where will i pray?
* My routine will change..it will have to considering the location change
* Nothing will change at my home - my room will stay the same - except for one little technicality - I won't be in my bed everynight
* am i ready not just to love him but to love his family as wholly?
* Where will i put my stuff? not just the physical crap i've accumulated but the emotional bags i let slide in the comfort of my home.

And these are just thoughts for today. Every day this changes. Every moment feels charged by a thousand watts of un-suppressable energy.

I don't doubt my feelings for him - he is loved just as he is. What i do doubt is my ability to face a blank page - my ability to turn a page that i absolutely adore re-reading, re-digesting, re-affirming on a daily basis. I fear this clean slate. Another new beginning. Joy? Sure, somewhere admist the fear - it's what keeps this ball rolling.

But the sad thing is....Every new beginning is the end of something else.

And this time, it's the end of a very ritualistic existence that has inadvertantly defined me.

I know they won't love me less or vice versa - if anything, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in our case, that could mean the beginning of a deeper love amongst all five of us- but I'll miss them. I'll miss this feeling of being completely at ease, completely at home, completely me - 24x7.

18 more sleeps. I can only hope that tonight it wraps me tight and keeps me warm in the comfort of knowing that every friday night at least for the first 6 months while we wait for the condo - that i will return. to this sweet, sweet familiarity.