everyday

i CHOOSE to love him.

which goes beyond simply being in love with someone. it transcends the glittery sheen of romance that often blinds the frail minded. it wafts beyond the boundaries of butterfly wings and clouds parting and aria's engulfing your soul. it spits in the face of acceptance and embraces one verb - completely. it becomes exactly what it is.

A. Choice.

And I choose in a thousand small ways to love him, every day. I'm fairly certain he's oblivious to this - I'm also pretty sure that he'd be appalled if he knew how carefully my mind scrutinizes our relationship. I've had too many friends venture into love affairs that became minefields trapping them in the cobwebs of their self-manufactured fairy tales. Idealistic and blinded by expectations they were unaware of harboring - what do you call your spirit when it reaches around you and stabs you in the back? And in the essence of once bitten, twice shy - I've learned from mistakes that while not my own, still ripped a tendril from my central artery and whisked it away in the name of empathy.

And now, it's second nature to me. The irony in this is that I. am. THAT. commit.ment. phobe. My spirit refuses to believe that there's only one of anything - ever. My heart refuses to buy into the notion of forever and ever. My brain constantly whispers hurried warnings, lest the world hears the words in my head. But somewhere along the way in the last 19 months - something shifted.

In the last 19 months I've grown into a relationship that is more adult-like than i had ever hoped to experience. A relationship that I treasure not as the most prominent one in my life - but as one that is irreplaceable by any other. I unintentionally watch what I say. My usually forceful tongue holds itself back, willfully. I subconsciously accept small concessions because I realize the absolute greatness of what we have. I concede defeat in petty arguments because it's not worth fighting any more when I know that what awaits me on the other side of forgiveness is joy. And all of this happens without my permission. And I forget the small misgivings and disappointments - my mind doesn't cling to those grudges as it once would have. I treat him like I treat my family.

did someone turn a light on?

I recently took off my wedding ring. Not because it was a nuisance, as I once anticipated it would be. But because I felt my finger was suffocating within it's confines. I was growing around it. Think finger spillage - i had finger fat happening people and it was starting to look quite alarming. So without a second thought, i slid it off my finger and put it away.

Now a while ago, someone told me, in passing, that the reason you wear your wedding band on your left hand is because there is a nerve that connects your ring finger to your heart. Not sure how true it is - but in my mind, it must've found a spot and made itself a home.

Because ever since I took it off, whenever I moved my finger - my heart would physically hurt. Ridiculous much? I know! But no joke, every time my finger would bend, I would feel a physical tug somewhere in my arterial region.

So i put it back on for fear that my psychosis was slowly but surely breaking me down - mentally and now, physically. I'm diabetic people, I can't afford to take these types of chances.

It's amazing what your mind does when your heart is ready to let go. He is right - never will he be my own. Never, will I, the holder of bonds, ever let go of those I consider mine - to let, him in. But somewhere, I guess my heart grew up and grew past it's 5-year-old mentality and accepted one thing: I chose him. He is indeed my most favorite stranger. And for him, I would move mountains to make sure he's okay. As long as he isn't aware of that fact, that is.

Love is an easy word to speak. I say it often and much about shoes, a great cup of coffee, a delicious book. But this type of marital love is work. Just like my relationship with my family is. It's only as beautiful and multi-textured as it is because we all pull our weight - we all pitch in- and we all stand steadfastly behind each other. And now, I have that with him. I'm so blessed in so many ways - that sometimes, I wonder... *sigh*

Clarity is a funny thing - because it always escapes you when you need it the most. But this time I got lucky - in case I forget how awesome I have it - all I'll ever have to do is take off my wedding band to know my heart has found yet another corner to call, home.

okay, you can gag now. I think I just did.

A pretty sappy second post of the day. I'd like to blame the lack of oxygen in my office for this vomit-inducing post. And the fact that it's freezing cold means I can't venture out into the world of self-indulgence. Hence the introspection. Now, it's time to get back to work. Goodnight and until tomorrow.