Through the tunnel

I found that elusive flicker of light.

After a much needed conversation- M and I have come to the conclusion that we cannot bear to be without each other. Not out of desperation. Not out of a sense of need. But mainly because he truly is one piece of the puzzle that makes me who I am. And gratefully, I discovered that he felt the exact same way.

It’s amazing how a little bit of reality, space and perspective can totally transform a situation and leave it re-newed. Amongst all the serious and extremely real issues that we ran through, one that surprised me was this: M felt that my blog slandered him. That I went out of my way to make him look like a horrible guy. I painted him in the colors of a villain and left him handcuffed in the middle of a highway.

But truth is, that wasn't my intention.

Verbal Nirvana, is merely my outlet. A dialogue that I conduct with the many facets that exist within me – the public me, the private me, the advertising me, the emotional me, the daughter, the sister, the girlfriend, the writer etc – a way of making sense of the rollercoaster ride that is my existence. I say this by ways of clarifying a few things:

1. Everything on this blog is my perception ONLY.

2. As a writer and a self diagnosed manic depressive with hints of ADD – some of the invective is born from a truly selfish and overly dramatic place. But that's okay. Only because this is my arena to voice my emotions, air out my dirty laundry and deal with my dramatic episodes.

3. My friends, my family and all the other things in my life are only displayed relatively – in relation to my day, my mood, my temperamental state of being. They wouldn't mean so much to me if they weren't tremendously fine people who were chock full of goodness.

4. VN is merely a conversation that I have with myself. A conversation that the nearest and dearest ones in my life are privy to. My way of writing every day. My way of maintaining sanity. My way of crafting my life.

So in conclusion, M, I wasn’t trying to slander you. Nobody hates you. If anything, I was bombarded by tremendous amounts of advise to treat you nice and be good to you because you are nothing but goodness. Of course we have fundamental differences and that’s what makes us work so well together. And sometimes, that’s exactly what drives us apart. And that’s okay. Being frustrated and venting is okay. Being selfish and slandering – not so much.

Here is my apology not for slandering you (because I truly wasn’t trying to) but for the simple fact that you felt tremendously uncomfortable. I'm sorry for making you feel any sense of discomfort through the words i so selfishly spew on this page.

Thank you for understanding my selfish needs to live an advertising driven life. And thank you for letting me learn that when I love something/someone completely that I too can be selfless. Who would’ve thought that could be possible!

So folks, all is well in the world of Jana. All is sublime, surreal and has set itself back to the normalcy of life. I love being loved for being the broken me that I am.

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Cultural observations:
1. Moms always over-complicate situations

2. People are still using WALKMANS – yup, tape players – not because they can’t afford to buy a discman or an mp3 player but because a walkman reminds them of their youth – yeah.

3. When you stand right up against the subway door – you see the depth of that dark tunnel and your wide-eyed reflection – firmly planted in an abyss of motion. But have you ever tried to escape the blank stare of your own eyes and look past it? It’s hard folks, it’s harder than it needs to be. I find myself transfixed by the person that stares right back at me – my twin in every sense of the word but for once, you see the emotion in her eyes. It’s surreal, this is yet another indication that people are born with a healthy sense of vanity. We find ourselves haunted by our own image.

4. I always seem to have these pre-recorded conversations with people that go something like this:
Hey, How are you?
Good thanks, and you?
Good thanks.

Yup. And the sad part is …to some people that’s all I’ve ever said. I’m sure they’re wonderful young men and women but, I’ve never tried to look past the veneer. Never cared to. Next week, that’s my resolution. I’m going to start a conversation with someone that I normally wouldn’t speak to.

It sure is something to think about innit?

Respect.