Verbal Therapy.

Love.

A funny little word with a plethora of connotations attached to it.
A word that leaves most of us in a life long pursuit to attain, own, maintain or simply experience it’s worth.
A word that is highly sought after regardless of age, ethnicity, religion or socio-economic status – a word that unites us all in this eternal search.
A word that country singers, rock stars and R&B divas croon about and make their millions with.
A word that acts as a catalyst and motivates a ceaseless search to own that entirely ambiguous-totally subjective feeling.
A word that is truly a mutha-effin conundrum.

According to Webster (the dictionary not the dude) Love can be defined as the following:

love n
1. an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion
2. a passionate feeling of romantic desire and sexual attraction
3. somebody who is loved romantically
4. a romantic affair, possibly sexual
5. strong liking for or pleasure gained from something
6. something that elicits deep interest and enthusiasm in somebody
7. used as an affectionate word to somebody loved

Mind you, that’s just the first 7 definitions in a list of close to 40.
One word.
Forty different ways of documentation.
One Gazillion ways of interpretation.

No wonder, I’m confused. I mean, who wouldn’t be?

Definition 1: An intense feeling of tender affection and compassion.
My family (both genetic and chosen), My Friends

Definition 2: a passionate feeling of romantic desire and sexual attraction
My beloved M – who is of the belief that I love my work more than I love him. If he only knew the half of it, he wouldn’t be so quick to spew his insecurities upon this canvas of our mutual admiration.

Definition 3: somebody who is loved romantically
My sisters (not incestually. Not sexually. But wholly – like tomorrow would cease to exist if they didn’t fill my today)
M (to punk off a song: truly,madly,deeply and passionately)
Definition 4: a romantic affair, possibly sexual
Yup, M again.

Definition 5: strong liking for or pleasure gained from something
My work. The extension of myself. The verbiage that acts as the lyrics in my song. My cocoon of truth. My coming home. My place of comfort, power and passion. All mine. And fully immersed in the essence that is me.

Definition 6: something that elicits deep interest and enthusiasm in somebody
My life.
My family.
My friends.
Books
Sunshine
People
Warm sand
Blue water
Truffles
Words
Writing
Shoes
Winners
Advertising
Gosh, the list goes on and on and on.

Definition 7: used as an affectionate word to somebody loved
Last used on M, R, R, R, Appa, Amma, Sparky, Trixie, B and whoever it unwittingly and subconsciously graces.

All this by ways of leading into March 15, 2005.
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Love.
My life seems so full of it.
Yet, yesterday I realized one more thing: It just isn’t enough.

There aren’t enough hours in the day to love myself, my family, my boyfriend, my work without letting the ball drop on something. The other side of love happens to be hate. Or is it envy? I’d much rather believe that it’s the timing that breaks into my cocoon of peace that either one of those demons.

For once in 27 years I’m ecstatic. I have everything I ever wanted, imagined, dreamt for myself. I have a great family. I have the strength to stand up for myself and my beliefs. I have a man who absolutely adores me. I have a job that lets me live the dream. I have friends who act as legions of courage. I have peace of mind. I absolutely adore my life. And yesterday, M tried to take it all away from me.

Apparently, I’m afflicted.
The disease: a case of imbalance.

Apparently, I need to figure things out and fix it.
The cure: time management.

But how on god’s green effin earth, do you balance how much time and work you put into the things you love? When I was unemployed and depressed, M suffered through my incessant neediness. The way I clung to him for dear life as if he was the savior. And inadvertently, he became my strength. One more person who solidified and validated my dreams.

Now, I don’t cling enough. I don’t give him the attention he so desperately craves. Apparently, now, I’ve forgotten my love for him and chosen the world of advertising.

I wonder if he realizes that he is yet another extension of my family. Another extenstion of me. Another piece of the puzzle that defines my existence.

Chosen. Hand-picked. After years of scouring through frogs, making out with monkeys and walking away with nothing but a feeling of relief – I found love.

A man that I never have to tolerate because I enjoy being around him.
A man that leaves me yearning to spend more time with him, to build a life together.

But – I refuse to give up what my Appa slaved for. I refuse to give up what kept me up at night in tears. I refuse to give up the hard work and the dedication that it took to get here. I refuse to walk away from the only thing that belongs to me – fully. My words are my power. Advertising my vehicle. And for a man that claims to love me, M, silently asked me for the unthinkable.

Yet, another condition of humanity. Nothing can be perfect for too long because that angers the powers that be. And from their wrath comes my chaos,

I want it all folks. And whoever said that you can’t have your cake and eat it too – sure didn’t understand the relativity of that statement. Sure you can – especially when you’re in Costco – holding on to the cake you will buy and sampling a piece from the nice lady at the counter. That’s all this game is about – that’s life in a muthaeffin nutshell. A sampling of experiences before moksha (nirvana/the ascension – call it what you will).

Love cannot and should not be custom designed for comfort, unless that comes standard of course. You can’t choose the people you fall in love with and they in turn, don’t choose your destiny. But love, is work. And love is patience. And love is knowing when to hold on tight and when to let go when need be – secure in the knowledge that it will return. I will always return to my spot on your shoulder dude – don’t you get it?

Love isn’t coming home at 5 every night to hang out. Love isn’t being able to cater to someone’s needs all the time. Love isn’t a necessity folks – love is a mutha effin bonus. And once you realize that – you don’t take it for granted. And you don’t have to give up who you are to hold on to it. Because it will – just be. It grows, matures and binds you not by your longing for it – but by the secure knowledge that it exists so seamlessly in your life. And with the good comes the bad and the ugly. So what? Everything good in this life has a god damn price. And I refuse to barter about something so imperative to my existence. I need you because I love wanting you – and this is what I refuse to do.

M, I refuse to voluntarily walk away from you because I’m happy with my life.
M, I refuse to voluntarily let you go because you want comfort.
M, I refuse to let you convince me that I don’t know how to love you
M, I refuse to let you instigate the evil meanderings of doubt
I love you dude. The best way I know how.

M, I need you to realize that life is hard and love shouldn’t be easy and it isn’t.
But most of all M – I refuse to stop you from doing what you need to do.

And what does that mean for me? I will hold a match up to everything we’ve shared (been blessed to share), in the crevices of my memory and gratefully sustain it for life. I’ve never loved anyone that I wasn’t born with – as much as I love you. Unfortunately, I’ve got to love myself first.

Exhaustion. Verbal vomits are tough and sometimes, necessary.

Be Blessed.