when you are all alone, does anyone ever hear it?
what if it broke as you were leaving your marital bed, one you've shared for decades, or aeons in your life, worn sheet in hand, palm held to chest - wailing.
wails are strange noises. unaccompanied by tears. gutteral. un.ignorable.
and he didn't ignore them or deny the accusations. his silence confirmed her worst fears.decades dismissed by a flitter of fresh-faced fancy. she knew. and he was glad that she knew because he vehemently believed in continuing on the path of his singular joy.
"what now.." she whispered...the question struggling to get out, muffled between dreams dashed and freshly sprung tears..
"i don't believe in divorce". matter of fact, giving nothing away. no apology, no expectation - just the truth.
and in the middle of the night, between tears that mourned her dreams of a happy old age, they made kalkals. Both sets of hands kneading the dough, mixed earlier in the day - the part untouched by this new disease. They rolled it together on their worn granite counter, the clink of a fork the only sound between them. Eyes averted, lips sealed, they grieved for the veneer they lost, silently.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Inspired by
the ever-effervescent Sibil.
What are your nicknames?
Jans, Jana-Gana-Mana, Jenna-girl, J-bird, Radhey (musically, of course), Radhakka (my fave),mahaley (swoonworthy - unless it's my dad after he's found a credit card bill...) and the standard kunju/kutti..
What TV game show or reality show would you like to be on?
Dragon's Den. I have these crazy half-baked ideas that would definitely hike up the entertainment value of that show - the guy with the recyclable pizza containers - he's got NOTHING on me :)
And I could totally rock the Canadian Idol try-out bloopers!
What was the first movie you bought in VHS and DVD?
VHS: Oh gosh, I think it might be Sound of Music when I was like 8
DVD: I can't remember for the life of me. My fave dvd though is the Sex and the City box set fosho!
What is your favorite scent?
Incanto, Shine by Salvatore Ferragamo - reminds me of my honeymoon in italy (pretty and passion-filled)
If you had one million dollars to spend only on yourself, what would you spend it on?
ooooh, dangerous question. I'd buy "around the world" trips for my inner circle or maybe a mini mansion in the city. Actually who am I kidding - I'd buy lots and lots of sour skittles. yum.
Do you trust easily?
Nope, not at all. I used to though - too much, too soon. These days, I expect people to earn my trust as they do my respect.
Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think?
I'm an extremist. So i either overthink things and miss the cue to react in a timely manner - or I jump the gun and then am forced to focus on damage control. Obviously being balanced is not a current character trait - maybe in the future though!
Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes. The fact that the world around me is aging. Sadly, in my head, I'm living a peter pan lifestyle. But something's amiss. the rose coloured glasses must be fading because the stark realities of this life are slowly creeping up on me.
Do you have a good body image?
I used to. All the time. And these days, I feel slightly removed from that topic. Not sure why. Another 2009 resolution perhaps - be kind to the body - after all it lets the mind create the world it envisions.
What is your favorite fruit?
Right now - raspberries & pomegranate.
Consistently - papaya's, rambutan, mangoes & pomegranate.
Which Web sites do you visit daily?
thestar.com, time.com, facebook.com, bloglines.
What have you been seriously addicted to lately?
Balzac's organic blend, a never ending search for gray nailpolish (not silver people but gray), books (i'm back to devouring anything my eyes feast on)
What's the last song that got stuck in your head?
Sadly, womanizer. It's because she repeats it 38 gazillion times in 4 minutes and I just heard it on my way into work.
What is your favorite thing to wear?
I'm with Sibil on this one - a sari. I don't get too many occasions to rock 'em but, I take immense pleasure when i do. six yards of homespun goodness - sigh. On the regular, I'm in love with my lululemon pants - its the one staple in my closet.
Do you think Rice Krispies treats are yummy?
Love them once they are made and carefully wrapped in cling wrap. Can't stand watching them being made - *shudders*
What would you do if you saw $100 lying on the ground?
a) not tell my folks (they'd make me turn it in)
b) not tell my husband (he'd expect me to put it towards something responsible)
c) put it towards dinner with the sistrens or something of that nature
d) buy 50 bags of sour skittles....hmmm
What items couldn't you go without during the day?
Tangible: my laptop, my coffee, my midnight pomegranate lotion
Intangible: Integrity. And passion. I make sure that everyday I feel passionate about something in my life. It's the only thing that makes the rat race worthwhile :)
What are your nicknames?
Jans, Jana-Gana-Mana, Jenna-girl, J-bird, Radhey (musically, of course), Radhakka (my fave),mahaley (swoonworthy - unless it's my dad after he's found a credit card bill...) and the standard kunju/kutti..
What TV game show or reality show would you like to be on?
Dragon's Den. I have these crazy half-baked ideas that would definitely hike up the entertainment value of that show - the guy with the recyclable pizza containers - he's got NOTHING on me :)
And I could totally rock the Canadian Idol try-out bloopers!
What was the first movie you bought in VHS and DVD?
VHS: Oh gosh, I think it might be Sound of Music when I was like 8
DVD: I can't remember for the life of me. My fave dvd though is the Sex and the City box set fosho!
What is your favorite scent?
Incanto, Shine by Salvatore Ferragamo - reminds me of my honeymoon in italy (pretty and passion-filled)
If you had one million dollars to spend only on yourself, what would you spend it on?
ooooh, dangerous question. I'd buy "around the world" trips for my inner circle or maybe a mini mansion in the city. Actually who am I kidding - I'd buy lots and lots of sour skittles. yum.
Do you trust easily?
Nope, not at all. I used to though - too much, too soon. These days, I expect people to earn my trust as they do my respect.
Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think?
I'm an extremist. So i either overthink things and miss the cue to react in a timely manner - or I jump the gun and then am forced to focus on damage control. Obviously being balanced is not a current character trait - maybe in the future though!
Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes. The fact that the world around me is aging. Sadly, in my head, I'm living a peter pan lifestyle. But something's amiss. the rose coloured glasses must be fading because the stark realities of this life are slowly creeping up on me.
Do you have a good body image?
I used to. All the time. And these days, I feel slightly removed from that topic. Not sure why. Another 2009 resolution perhaps - be kind to the body - after all it lets the mind create the world it envisions.
What is your favorite fruit?
Right now - raspberries & pomegranate.
Consistently - papaya's, rambutan, mangoes & pomegranate.
Which Web sites do you visit daily?
thestar.com, time.com, facebook.com, bloglines.
What have you been seriously addicted to lately?
Balzac's organic blend, a never ending search for gray nailpolish (not silver people but gray), books (i'm back to devouring anything my eyes feast on)
What's the last song that got stuck in your head?
Sadly, womanizer. It's because she repeats it 38 gazillion times in 4 minutes and I just heard it on my way into work.
What is your favorite thing to wear?
I'm with Sibil on this one - a sari. I don't get too many occasions to rock 'em but, I take immense pleasure when i do. six yards of homespun goodness - sigh. On the regular, I'm in love with my lululemon pants - its the one staple in my closet.
Do you think Rice Krispies treats are yummy?
Love them once they are made and carefully wrapped in cling wrap. Can't stand watching them being made - *shudders*
What would you do if you saw $100 lying on the ground?
a) not tell my folks (they'd make me turn it in)
b) not tell my husband (he'd expect me to put it towards something responsible)
c) put it towards dinner with the sistrens or something of that nature
d) buy 50 bags of sour skittles....hmmm
What items couldn't you go without during the day?
Tangible: my laptop, my coffee, my midnight pomegranate lotion
Intangible: Integrity. And passion. I make sure that everyday I feel passionate about something in my life. It's the only thing that makes the rat race worthwhile :)
like messages
on steamed mirrors, everything's starting to fray a little. I'm not sure if it's old age knocking against the walls of my cerebrum or if it's something else. Something much more serious. A willful desire maybe ? A conscious effort to erase things and pretend like they never existed ? But, why? The reason escapes me. I've never wanted to forget...in fact, I've tried hard to hold on to every nuance of those spell binding years. Trying to reach back into the crevices of my mind and pull out scents, sounds, textures - but like moss-slick pebbles nestled in a bed of rocks, they've been hard to extract and harder to hold on to.
i guess that's what happens as you grow up and grow out of that fated phase of always looking inward. introspection, another vice.
it worries me. this slow and painful leak. silent yet filled with sound. i can't bear the thought of forgetting all those moments. the good, the bad and the fat, bulbous ones brimming with one hundred and one ill-fated characteristics. i cherish the times, when i find myself re-examining an old memory. those sepia-toned ones that coerce my feelers to caress every nook and cranny, re-learning the way my past has glued the pieces of my present together.
but yesterday, something fell. and while i dropped to my knees to frantically search for that lil' moment, something struck me.
I need to start writing those moments down.because the flip side is acting on them. I must write things down - so as to preserve them in all their nostalgic glory. and more importantly, to prevent them from birthing new realities.
in my mind, they were captured in glass jars like exotic butterflies with wings clipped - to be examined but never fully enjoyed. the sheer fear of losing them, breaking a jar or upsetting the precariously held beings of my past - is terrifying.
and that's why i reached out. i did the unthinkable last week. i did what i said i would never do. i found a long forgotten piece of our puzzle. and then i hit send. damn the internet. damn the ease with which you can reach out - vulnerable yet removed. the last time i saw her was on my terms. She was a vivacious little thing - sparkling brown pools questioning everything, creamy skin and the cheeks we share. she's on facebook and in university. doing law. we talked about that in hushed whispers when she was little. between games, sandwiched between dreams. sisters of the heart. and out of sheer whim, i broke a jar unintentionally. and one little forgotten butterfly enjoyed it's moment in the wind. i messaged her - no ties, arms stiff, mind dry, eyes - blinded by a foolish heart.
secretly.
in response, another part of her puzzle called my house and in no uncertain terms informed us that - there was nothing there.
the ties that once bound our families - no longer existed. i knew that there was no love lost - over time we'd all learned how to move on. but at that moment, i re-learned something again - blood isn't thicker than water. i will always love my mom in a special way because i know what it feels like to have siblings i adore. she gave me what she never had. and that's something i'm incredibly grateful for.
in hindsight, i know it's not that simple. one message can't undo years of unspoken hurt - flittering across oceans, ebbing and flowing in the silences that we've mutually shared. where did the words go all those years ago....and maybe that's why they need to be written before they're acted upon. because atleast that way, i can always go back and check to see the back story on something before i take a leap of faith and end up on my kundi.
--
wow, two things. both scary experiences. this verbal vomit that's cleared my cerebrum - a present for facing both fears. it was starting to cloud things. getting me weepy. but i feel like i haven't written in forever. and the fear of a blank page - electronic or not - was a hurdle unto itself.
i can only hope the language returns. like riding a bike one would say. except, i never understood that. because well, i never did learn how to ride a bike.
i guess that's what happens as you grow up and grow out of that fated phase of always looking inward. introspection, another vice.
it worries me. this slow and painful leak. silent yet filled with sound. i can't bear the thought of forgetting all those moments. the good, the bad and the fat, bulbous ones brimming with one hundred and one ill-fated characteristics. i cherish the times, when i find myself re-examining an old memory. those sepia-toned ones that coerce my feelers to caress every nook and cranny, re-learning the way my past has glued the pieces of my present together.
but yesterday, something fell. and while i dropped to my knees to frantically search for that lil' moment, something struck me.
I need to start writing those moments down.because the flip side is acting on them. I must write things down - so as to preserve them in all their nostalgic glory. and more importantly, to prevent them from birthing new realities.
in my mind, they were captured in glass jars like exotic butterflies with wings clipped - to be examined but never fully enjoyed. the sheer fear of losing them, breaking a jar or upsetting the precariously held beings of my past - is terrifying.
and that's why i reached out. i did the unthinkable last week. i did what i said i would never do. i found a long forgotten piece of our puzzle. and then i hit send. damn the internet. damn the ease with which you can reach out - vulnerable yet removed. the last time i saw her was on my terms. She was a vivacious little thing - sparkling brown pools questioning everything, creamy skin and the cheeks we share. she's on facebook and in university. doing law. we talked about that in hushed whispers when she was little. between games, sandwiched between dreams. sisters of the heart. and out of sheer whim, i broke a jar unintentionally. and one little forgotten butterfly enjoyed it's moment in the wind. i messaged her - no ties, arms stiff, mind dry, eyes - blinded by a foolish heart.
secretly.
in response, another part of her puzzle called my house and in no uncertain terms informed us that - there was nothing there.
the ties that once bound our families - no longer existed. i knew that there was no love lost - over time we'd all learned how to move on. but at that moment, i re-learned something again - blood isn't thicker than water. i will always love my mom in a special way because i know what it feels like to have siblings i adore. she gave me what she never had. and that's something i'm incredibly grateful for.
in hindsight, i know it's not that simple. one message can't undo years of unspoken hurt - flittering across oceans, ebbing and flowing in the silences that we've mutually shared. where did the words go all those years ago....and maybe that's why they need to be written before they're acted upon. because atleast that way, i can always go back and check to see the back story on something before i take a leap of faith and end up on my kundi.
--
wow, two things. both scary experiences. this verbal vomit that's cleared my cerebrum - a present for facing both fears. it was starting to cloud things. getting me weepy. but i feel like i haven't written in forever. and the fear of a blank page - electronic or not - was a hurdle unto itself.
i can only hope the language returns. like riding a bike one would say. except, i never understood that. because well, i never did learn how to ride a bike.
Friday, November 21, 2008
shakin' off...
and sweepin' off them cobwebs.
I can't believe how terribly neglectful I've been in regards to my little online haven. I think it's time to dust this baby up and give 'er a good ole' shining. There's absolutely nothing a little windex can't cure.
I'm going to make a real, concerted effort to be back more often - and post more frequently. I miss the emotional relief this friend brought into my life and I'm going to recreate the "woo" in our relationship.
stay tuned.
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