mildly bruised

but still edible.

That's how i feel about this adjustment period. I feel akin to a barely ripe mango in a box with several others on a wobbly old truck - travelling on the mangled back roads of Negombo.

It's amazing how much I've learned about myself in the last few weeks. The things that i'm willing to put up with, compromise on, stand steadfast on, fight for have all evolved over such a short period of time. It's like jana v.2007 just got an update and I'm still trying to integrate this new program into the standardized environment. By no means do i know it all - heck, on most days, i feel like i've barely crossed over into this new world. One foot nervously sits on the new side of this gateway while the other wiggles its toes and buries itself in the familiar.

I guess that's human nature - you tend to become attached to the markers of your life.

The soundtrack

placed in the parameters of my context - this still makes more sense than much else.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
-- Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Fergie!?!? I know! Who would've thunk that something she penned would ever make sense in my life. But it does - for now atleast.

Big, fat drops of rain left me drenched this morning and yet - there's serenity. Mostly because tonight is my night to go home - where the gap closes for a brief moment and I feel exactly as I should - wholesome yet me.

I wonder what I'll miss about Mikey this week. Last week I woke up on friday with a slight inkling that I might've missed his arm cushioning my head. It's one of the discoveries of marriage - I keep finding new ways that communicate this love.

It's thursday :)

Attached.

and adjusting.

This too will evolve. And that my dear friends is the only certainty as of 5:34pm on a wednesday evening.

May 28 2007

17 days to go.

Woah.

Right now, the only feelings I can accurately identify are those of fear. Everything's got me emotional - it's like i'm all tied up on the inside and everything opens those flood gates. My tear ducts are worn out - overused like coochies on Queen street hoes - willing to spread eagle and let their essence flow at the drop of a dime. Sad, but it's true. In the last few months, I've become that which i despise the most: an overly emotional suck.

The knowledge that a new chapter waits to be written is terrifying. My innards feel frozen - held firmly in a steadfast grip. And sensing my hesitation, my fingers convulse. The pen waiting to be guided with no guidance at all. Ink splatters bring the inside to the outside - a public announcement of this benumbed state.

Me? Married? In 17 Days?

Heart, don't fail me now.

A thousand half baked thoughts rush through my head:

* What will the 17th of June look like once the euphoria of the wedding(s) wear off?
* Me, someone's wife? Are they being for real?
* Leaving home, where my heart is, to move to another person's home?
* My dad...the sweetness of waking to know that he is merely 2 doors and 6 steps to the right of me. Now what?
* My mom's foaming morning coffee and her special dose of motherly jocularity - on a scale of 1 to 10 - how much will this ache, ache?
* Rashmi's reverberating music - my 5am dj - will i miss it or recreate it with an insomniac ipod?
* Kissing Rama's forehead in the morning, every morning before rushing out - a new ritual? or a picture that i lamely stare at?
* Lighting a lamp in my own sami room - who will i pray with? where will i pray?
* My routine will change..it will have to considering the location change
* Nothing will change at my home - my room will stay the same - except for one little technicality - I won't be in my bed everynight
* am i ready not just to love him but to love his family as wholly?
* Where will i put my stuff? not just the physical crap i've accumulated but the emotional bags i let slide in the comfort of my home.

And these are just thoughts for today. Every day this changes. Every moment feels charged by a thousand watts of un-suppressable energy.

I don't doubt my feelings for him - he is loved just as he is. What i do doubt is my ability to face a blank page - my ability to turn a page that i absolutely adore re-reading, re-digesting, re-affirming on a daily basis. I fear this clean slate. Another new beginning. Joy? Sure, somewhere admist the fear - it's what keeps this ball rolling.

But the sad thing is....Every new beginning is the end of something else.

And this time, it's the end of a very ritualistic existence that has inadvertantly defined me.

I know they won't love me less or vice versa - if anything, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in our case, that could mean the beginning of a deeper love amongst all five of us- but I'll miss them. I'll miss this feeling of being completely at ease, completely at home, completely me - 24x7.

18 more sleeps. I can only hope that tonight it wraps me tight and keeps me warm in the comfort of knowing that every friday night at least for the first 6 months while we wait for the condo - that i will return. to this sweet, sweet familiarity.