January 2006
engaged : slightly broke : incredibly confused : scared out of my mind : countless job interviews : extended family drama : hurt feelings : broken relationships : Gopi leaves on her Australian expedition : Rashmi’s sassy plum tank : Rammy’s return from SL/India : presents (like my painting) : the feeling of approaching adulthood : being the only adult clambering on the bunny hill : snow angels with mikey’s angels : a 2nd interview : followed by a 3rd at SCC : 25th started said job : ecstatic : surprised at being so lucky.
February 2006
Rama & Rammy turn 3 : Growing pains at above mentioned job : Rammy’s birthday: chill sessions with my most gorgeous daughter from another womb, Rakshaa : feelings of uncertainty slowly replaced by feelings of comfortable contentment : a Japanese inspired v-day celebration : my fave eternity necklace : the art of war : Rammy got 203 immortalized on his skin : Rammy’s birthday do at Jack’s : Danier for Aunty’s birthday : work, work and more work : Shivaratri : glad to be alive.
March 2006
Girly hair cuts : mother’s day celebration : gift cards made in haste for all three mommies : lunch with les and tera – pre-baby : more Rakshaa : a weekend at Kingston : culture show time : uni town/uni bar – it was apposite : shopping in Kingston : a funky fresh fantastic necklace : I would do me, certainly.
April 2006
Started the month out with a big leap & some big wedding decisions : booked a hall : bought my wedding dress (impulsively) : ‘Where’s your mom?’ – no worries lady, my daddy is just fine : Got a view from her fire escape and a peek into her life (there will be tee’s made that read: I heart suse) : The Sultan’s tent for our 3rd anniversary : 3 years, 1 man, 1 ring – really? : Easter : not so many eggs, but a solid pair of nine west shoes : Dad’s birthday feast at Bombay Palace : Bombay Bling with new found friends : three months at one gig – phew, who would’ve thunk it?!?
May 2006
Rama got the job she so badly hoped for : Gift certs for all three mommies were made in haste: Some lifelong friendships ended and others began : Rashmi (the roomie) & Nilay got engaged : Tia was super preggers : Sibil handed in her single status for a much more joyful ‘attached’ one : A family trip to Montreal : Seeing a temple initiated with rites and rituals : old montreal with susan : good times : may went out with a bang
June 2006
Engagement cards were chosen : Financial recovery from our trip to montreal : pink eye (ew) : work started to suck : photographer woes : prepping for our mid-year sales conference : wishing and hoping that I could travel to someplace absolutely diving : Rama graduated with ‘high’ honors : The realization that next year this time – I’d be married : oy vey.
July 2006
Atlanta : hot, sticky and murky : the Atlanta acquarium – breathtaking : My bestest celebrated her birthday : Indie celebrated hers : a photographer was chosen : I also realized I couldn’t eat out – ever, in order to afford her : Rakshaa gets a baby sister – Anicca : Another one to love and terrorize : life was good.
August 2006
Caribana : Ribsfest : Dee’s Birthday at some hick pub that turned out to be more fun than anticipated : Frantic planning : one smashing engagement party : Meeting Aunty Rehana: Dancing the night away : Frankie’s : A family luncheon with Myura and Priya : reconnecting and forming new bonds : Bombay Dreams : Dinner at Rich Tree with the mommies : busy, busy, busy.
September 2006 – Rewiring broken links
Myura and Priya : A weekend of craziness : Toronto Star interview at the picnic : water fights: blazing pink bangs : tears when it had to end : promises exchanged : Roger and Tanya’s engagement party (yup, they’re getting married two weeks before us) : Craig and Raina get engaged : Meeting J.C began around here : Michele’s birthday : Rashmi’s birthday : Michie and Chet’s engagement : A family split : felt like a limb being torn apart :: twas crazy indeed.
October 2006 – Reconnecting with birthrights and clarity
Job switch – accomplished : vacation days granted : Rama immortalizes her roots : Copyright Sri Lanka : Appapatti’s birthday dinner : reconnecting with my cousins : Daddy and daughter time : planning for a last min 3 week vacation : mikey’s overly generous birthday gift : packing my bags : engagement shoot (so much fun) : London – family, family and more family (oh yes, and shoes) : Sri Lanka - *sigh* my dream come true with just the right person : Land, found : Birthright – reinstated : hoppers – to die for : a lifestyle I miss inherently : India – busy : monsoon rains : humidity cushions memories : turning 29 : *double sigh* : dubai – glamorous : great architecture : meeting family for the first time : so much laughter : so much joy : so much introspective time : October was indeed clarity.
November 2006 – Introspection on the unknown error of our lives
Unfamiliarity : a new cube : a new floor : fighting the fear : a feeling of being ready : losing the immaturity of childhood: reliving every memory from oct 14 – nov 4th : missing the way my soles felt on birth soil : Daddy buys a new condo (2 blocks away from Mikey’s – yay for 2010) : Rashmi dresses up without being forced to : nina and tobes tie the knot : we get our engagement pics back : love love love all around : epiphany: I work to live not live to work : feeling more prepared : ready
December 2006
Mom and Dad turn 30 : Niraj and Risha’s reception : Christmas parties galore : My last Christmas morning waking up at home : fear sets in : the burner is on and my bum is getting warm : Christmas shopping : Rama and her 4 sizzling A’s : Mommy’s birthday : *sigh* I miss SL : The year in review : Work getting better : Life far more clear : frequent convo’s with suse : preparation.
*phew* sweet indeed. 2007 will be just as hectic, im certain.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
In 2006 I'm thankful for...
* the opportunity to see a new day, every day
* for sunshine that breaks through grey clouds
* for Rama's knowing eyes - they smile at me constantly
* for good health that my family enjoys
* for my grandma who albeit her 85 years, still has all her marbles intact
* for friends who understand that shit happens
* for comfy bermuda CK shorts - a surprise find
* for my doogie who gives more than takes
* for H2O
* for a gym membership that doesn't kick my ass for ducking out
* for the opportunity to try a new gig
* for a man who loves me minus the expectations
* for the opportunity to go on a trip of a lifetime with my fave boy - dad
* for friends strung together thanks to the powers of the world wide web
* for late nights and early mornings and the strength to keep on keepin on
* for chocolate in moderation
* for everything in moderation
* for fuscia pink peep toe sandals
* for sisters who love, fight and hug - with intensity
* for an extended family that doesn't act extended
* for dew drops and fallen leaves
* for the smell of curried chicken when its chilly outside
* for Pho (vietnamese noodle soup)
* for frugal bride - a site that helps me keep my sanity
* for early morning rides on public transit
* for the eternal belief that things will be okay
* for the clarity to realize that my life is on the cusp of great change
* for humility - something i'm still learning at doing
* for silver linings
* and fuscia crinolin
* for the sound of a fine tip nib caressing paper
* for good books and toe-curl inducing coffee
* for pit stops on this journey that let you smell the roses
* for the inherent knowledge that this too shall pass.
* for a new circle of friends at the St. Peter and Paul Parish
* for beliefs that get stronger with time, a personhood that holds on tight and the integrity that only comes with character.
but most of all,
this year, i'm thankful for knowing that i love and am loved in return.
* for sunshine that breaks through grey clouds
* for Rama's knowing eyes - they smile at me constantly
* for good health that my family enjoys
* for my grandma who albeit her 85 years, still has all her marbles intact
* for friends who understand that shit happens
* for comfy bermuda CK shorts - a surprise find
* for my doogie who gives more than takes
* for H2O
* for a gym membership that doesn't kick my ass for ducking out
* for the opportunity to try a new gig
* for a man who loves me minus the expectations
* for the opportunity to go on a trip of a lifetime with my fave boy - dad
* for friends strung together thanks to the powers of the world wide web
* for late nights and early mornings and the strength to keep on keepin on
* for chocolate in moderation
* for everything in moderation
* for fuscia pink peep toe sandals
* for sisters who love, fight and hug - with intensity
* for an extended family that doesn't act extended
* for dew drops and fallen leaves
* for the smell of curried chicken when its chilly outside
* for Pho (vietnamese noodle soup)
* for frugal bride - a site that helps me keep my sanity
* for early morning rides on public transit
* for the eternal belief that things will be okay
* for the clarity to realize that my life is on the cusp of great change
* for humility - something i'm still learning at doing
* for silver linings
* and fuscia crinolin
* for the sound of a fine tip nib caressing paper
* for good books and toe-curl inducing coffee
* for pit stops on this journey that let you smell the roses
* for the inherent knowledge that this too shall pass.
* for a new circle of friends at the St. Peter and Paul Parish
* for beliefs that get stronger with time, a personhood that holds on tight and the integrity that only comes with character.
but most of all,
this year, i'm thankful for knowing that i love and am loved in return.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Dufferin West #29
Daybreak. That’s what greets you these days when you exit onto Dufferin at 7 am - leaving the cocoon of the underground tunnel. Sleep escapes. Flitters like the first flight on newly formed wings – perfectly suited for changing leaves.
*sigh*
Another day. Another season.
I get comfortable in my aisle seat, shooting a cursory glance around the bus. Half-asleep. The general descriptor for those traveling at the crack of dawn – so separate yet so the same. I lean back and sink into the sounds of Green Day barely noticing the kid sitting across from me. This morning, like most mornings, my eyes eagerly dissect the composition of another passenger – perfect strangers are a writers best friend. A side effect of documenting life – random people, random stories. Pupils capture her – bubble gum pink hoodie, runny mascara, sitting sideways, – eyes forlorn – a Botticelli waiting to be birthed.
“So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the ….scratch.”
I wasn’t alone in my early morning ritual.
scratch, sigh, scribble, scribble. The sound of an intruder – the kid across from me?
His flighty fingers exact my attention - the sound of lead scarring refined bark builds itself into my sound system.
“It’s something unpredictable, (Scratch. Scratch. Scribble. )but in the end it’s right (Sigh). I hope you had the time of your life (scribble. Scratch. Shade).”
Scratch. Sigh.
I glance sideways- eyesdropping. Chancing getting caught for blatant staring, I notice his page. There she was. Immortalized in his book. Scratched, scribbled and brought to perfection. It was her – shrouded in melancholy. The way I would’ve dealt with this one – digested, described, and documented in the pages of my mind.
We had both unwittingly committed the same crime: stolen glances and captured her heart wrenching sorrow for a rainy day.
As I exited the bus, I realized – she’ll never know she’ll be remembered for simply boarding the 29 W bus.
*sigh*
Another day. Another season.
I get comfortable in my aisle seat, shooting a cursory glance around the bus. Half-asleep. The general descriptor for those traveling at the crack of dawn – so separate yet so the same. I lean back and sink into the sounds of Green Day barely noticing the kid sitting across from me. This morning, like most mornings, my eyes eagerly dissect the composition of another passenger – perfect strangers are a writers best friend. A side effect of documenting life – random people, random stories. Pupils capture her – bubble gum pink hoodie, runny mascara, sitting sideways, – eyes forlorn – a Botticelli waiting to be birthed.
“So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the ….scratch.”
I wasn’t alone in my early morning ritual.
scratch, sigh, scribble, scribble. The sound of an intruder – the kid across from me?
His flighty fingers exact my attention - the sound of lead scarring refined bark builds itself into my sound system.
“It’s something unpredictable, (Scratch. Scratch. Scribble. )but in the end it’s right (Sigh). I hope you had the time of your life (scribble. Scratch. Shade).”
Scratch. Sigh.
I glance sideways- eyesdropping. Chancing getting caught for blatant staring, I notice his page. There she was. Immortalized in his book. Scratched, scribbled and brought to perfection. It was her – shrouded in melancholy. The way I would’ve dealt with this one – digested, described, and documented in the pages of my mind.
We had both unwittingly committed the same crime: stolen glances and captured her heart wrenching sorrow for a rainy day.
As I exited the bus, I realized – she’ll never know she’ll be remembered for simply boarding the 29 W bus.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Too much about me...again.
1. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? My index finger cuz well, she gets shit done.
2. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Vanilla Ice (yes, yes, I was a fan – even after all the media hoopla)
3. DO LOOKS MATTER? Only if you’ve got a crappy personality.
4. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Ranting to my bestest and writing it all out.
5. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My daddy’s arms, my sister’s smile
6. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Pens and books (talk about a geek in the making) oh and lest I forget, rama.
7. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Calculus & Accounting (the former because well it did nothing for me and the latter because talking about money in such quantifiable terms made me want to cry)
8. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Authenticity. Character. A good sense of self. Oh and someone who isn’t afraid to dream. And these days, LOYALTY.
9. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES? Jana, Radhamma, Kunju, Mahale, Jans, Jana Banana, podi nona, Radhakka
10. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? ½. Figures! I tend to save a little bit of everything.
11. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Face (I’m just a ‘great face’ kinda girl)
12. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I'm feeling out of sorts – not sure why, just yet.
13. FAVORITE MONTH? July. Because well, that’s when my bestest met me.
14. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not particularly – although the ring does cramp my style ;)
15. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I’d like to think that I treat my relationships with the same excitement that a one night stand has – minus the après-deed guilt that is.
16. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble!
17. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Again? Ahh, Again.
18. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. These girls are fun and funny.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUMES? Body Sprays courtesy of Victoria and her secrets
20. NIKE, REEBOK OR ADIDAS? Puma thanks.
21. NAME TWO THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION. My new one? I’ll get to talk to lots of different people and hopefully have fun doing it.
22. FAV BRAND? BCBG, for the style & fit.
23. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Jillunu oru kadhal!
24. What is your favorite TV show? Project Runway!!! ANTM & other reality delights. King of Queens, SATC, Entourage, What I Like About You, The Sopranos, Seinfeld.
25. What did you have for breakfast? A cheese sandwich – in a sandwich maker – old school style.
26. What is your middle name? Radha.
27. What foods do you dislike? Bitter gourds.
28. What is your favorite crisp flavor? Salt and pepper. Boring but good.
29. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Whatever is on rotation on my iPod.
30. What kind of car do you drive? A civic. Yes, I am brown.
31. Favorite sandwich? Yummy tuna on 12 grain with avocado.
32. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, infidelity, two-faced people.
33. Favorite item of clothing? Red riding hood rain jacket.
34. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you
go? Anywhere and everywhere that airlines are allowed to travel.
35. What color is your bathroom? Pink & more pink
37. Where would you retire to? Sri Lanka.
38. Favorite time of the day? Day break
39. What was your most memorable birthday? 4 b/c that’s when my bestest joined me.
40. Where were you born? 6° 54' N 79° 52' E (Colombo, Sri Lanka)
41. What fabric detergent do you use? Sunlight
42. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning – as in 5am.
43. Do you have any pets? Sparky, trixie and some random fish that dad keeps killing and then replacing
44. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and
family? Not really - my life is unfortunately boring.
45. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer/Novelist.
46. What do you hope your friends remember about you when you're dead?
That I gave them the best of me.
47 What are you most afraid of? Being a failure.
48. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? Italy, Bali or Kenya.
49. How do you eat an Oreo? Twist clockwise (x2), lick and then rip into that chocolatey goodness
50. Favorite magazine? InStyle, Oprah and Shape
51. Favorite smell? The air before a good downpour, my amma’s hair
52. Least favorite smell? Eggplants in oil
53. How many rings before you answer the phone? 3 and then my voice mail picks it for me.
54. Future child's name? Zoe & Ziggy (yes, I’m serious) ;)
55. Glass is half empty or half full? Half empty.
56. Favorite movie? A tie between Scarface and the Sound of Music
57. What's under your bed? Drawers – hello! What’s under yours?
58. Favorite saying/quote: sorry about your luck kid, thanks for coming out, no freakin way!
59. What advice would you give a little kid? If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t – you probably won’t.
60. Your favorite Potato chips? Ketchup
63. What were your different jobs? Copywriter, gofer, event coordinator, marketing exec, telemarketer, freelance journalist…aw man, I am a jack of all trades!
64. Number and Location of Piercings? 6 - ears
65. Ever been to Africa? Only in my imagination (Kenya and Botsuwana are on my to do list)
66. Ever been toilet papering? Yup (3 years straight – on the coldest day in Feb)
67. Been in a car accident? A couple. Usually, not my fault. Unfortunately, that’s not always a general consensus.
68. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday – because I invariably feel like I’ve already accomplished so much by getting to that cherished mid-week point.
69. Favorite Resturant? The Fish House; SuSur
70. Favorite flower? cream and yellow Araliya’s (aka frangipani’s)
71. Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The question is: Which store would I NOT choose to max out my credit card!
73. Bedtime: these days, I drop at like 10:00pm
74. Last person you went to dinner with? My bestest.
75. How many tattoos do you have? 1 (hopefully that number will go up in the next 30 days)
2. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Vanilla Ice (yes, yes, I was a fan – even after all the media hoopla)
3. DO LOOKS MATTER? Only if you’ve got a crappy personality.
4. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Ranting to my bestest and writing it all out.
5. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My daddy’s arms, my sister’s smile
6. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Pens and books (talk about a geek in the making) oh and lest I forget, rama.
7. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Calculus & Accounting (the former because well it did nothing for me and the latter because talking about money in such quantifiable terms made me want to cry)
8. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Authenticity. Character. A good sense of self. Oh and someone who isn’t afraid to dream. And these days, LOYALTY.
9. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES? Jana, Radhamma, Kunju, Mahale, Jans, Jana Banana, podi nona, Radhakka
10. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? ½. Figures! I tend to save a little bit of everything.
11. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Face (I’m just a ‘great face’ kinda girl)
12. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I'm feeling out of sorts – not sure why, just yet.
13. FAVORITE MONTH? July. Because well, that’s when my bestest met me.
14. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not particularly – although the ring does cramp my style ;)
15. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I’d like to think that I treat my relationships with the same excitement that a one night stand has – minus the après-deed guilt that is.
16. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble!
17. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Again? Ahh, Again.
18. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. These girls are fun and funny.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUMES? Body Sprays courtesy of Victoria and her secrets
20. NIKE, REEBOK OR ADIDAS? Puma thanks.
21. NAME TWO THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION. My new one? I’ll get to talk to lots of different people and hopefully have fun doing it.
22. FAV BRAND? BCBG, for the style & fit.
23. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Jillunu oru kadhal!
24. What is your favorite TV show? Project Runway!!! ANTM & other reality delights. King of Queens, SATC, Entourage, What I Like About You, The Sopranos, Seinfeld.
25. What did you have for breakfast? A cheese sandwich – in a sandwich maker – old school style.
26. What is your middle name? Radha.
27. What foods do you dislike? Bitter gourds.
28. What is your favorite crisp flavor? Salt and pepper. Boring but good.
29. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Whatever is on rotation on my iPod.
30. What kind of car do you drive? A civic. Yes, I am brown.
31. Favorite sandwich? Yummy tuna on 12 grain with avocado.
32. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, infidelity, two-faced people.
33. Favorite item of clothing? Red riding hood rain jacket.
34. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you
go? Anywhere and everywhere that airlines are allowed to travel.
35. What color is your bathroom? Pink & more pink
37. Where would you retire to? Sri Lanka.
38. Favorite time of the day? Day break
39. What was your most memorable birthday? 4 b/c that’s when my bestest joined me.
40. Where were you born? 6° 54' N 79° 52' E (Colombo, Sri Lanka)
41. What fabric detergent do you use? Sunlight
42. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning – as in 5am.
43. Do you have any pets? Sparky, trixie and some random fish that dad keeps killing and then replacing
44. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with friends and
family? Not really - my life is unfortunately boring.
45. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer/Novelist.
46. What do you hope your friends remember about you when you're dead?
That I gave them the best of me.
47 What are you most afraid of? Being a failure.
48. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? Italy, Bali or Kenya.
49. How do you eat an Oreo? Twist clockwise (x2), lick and then rip into that chocolatey goodness
50. Favorite magazine? InStyle, Oprah and Shape
51. Favorite smell? The air before a good downpour, my amma’s hair
52. Least favorite smell? Eggplants in oil
53. How many rings before you answer the phone? 3 and then my voice mail picks it for me.
54. Future child's name? Zoe & Ziggy (yes, I’m serious) ;)
55. Glass is half empty or half full? Half empty.
56. Favorite movie? A tie between Scarface and the Sound of Music
57. What's under your bed? Drawers – hello! What’s under yours?
58. Favorite saying/quote: sorry about your luck kid, thanks for coming out, no freakin way!
59. What advice would you give a little kid? If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t – you probably won’t.
60. Your favorite Potato chips? Ketchup
63. What were your different jobs? Copywriter, gofer, event coordinator, marketing exec, telemarketer, freelance journalist…aw man, I am a jack of all trades!
64. Number and Location of Piercings? 6 - ears
65. Ever been to Africa? Only in my imagination (Kenya and Botsuwana are on my to do list)
66. Ever been toilet papering? Yup (3 years straight – on the coldest day in Feb)
67. Been in a car accident? A couple. Usually, not my fault. Unfortunately, that’s not always a general consensus.
68. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday – because I invariably feel like I’ve already accomplished so much by getting to that cherished mid-week point.
69. Favorite Resturant? The Fish House; SuSur
70. Favorite flower? cream and yellow Araliya’s (aka frangipani’s)
71. Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The question is: Which store would I NOT choose to max out my credit card!
73. Bedtime: these days, I drop at like 10:00pm
74. Last person you went to dinner with? My bestest.
75. How many tattoos do you have? 1 (hopefully that number will go up in the next 30 days)
Thursday, September 21, 2006
10 hours and 21 minutes
i still feel broken.
Betrayed (according to Websters Online)
1 : to lead astray; especially : SEDUCE
2 : to deliver to an enemy by treachery
3 : to fail or desert especially in time of need
Completely so. And SHE is a trooper.
Still the best version of humanity. Still strong. Still unbreakable.
Still loved, more than she will ever know.
pray that i quell this unnatural thirst for my pound of flesh.
Betrayed (according to Websters Online)
1 : to lead astray; especially : SEDUCE
2 : to deliver to an enemy by treachery
3 : to fail or desert especially in time of need
Completely so. And SHE is a trooper.
Still the best version of humanity. Still strong. Still unbreakable.
Still loved, more than she will ever know.
pray that i quell this unnatural thirst for my pound of flesh.
Friday, September 15, 2006
2 hours and 15 minutes.
A lifetime for some small creatures.
But for me, it’s the countdown to when life will really begin.
Weekends = ambrosia (courtesy of sibil)
At some point, I’ve got to reset that clock.
Work should be more fun – shouldn’t it?
I suppose my solace comes from one simple seedlet of truth: At least, I get to exercise my brain cells on a daily basis.
And any growth (except the horizontal kind) is good in my books.
Have a solid weekend ya'll.
But for me, it’s the countdown to when life will really begin.
Weekends = ambrosia (courtesy of sibil)
At some point, I’ve got to reset that clock.
Work should be more fun – shouldn’t it?
I suppose my solace comes from one simple seedlet of truth: At least, I get to exercise my brain cells on a daily basis.
And any growth (except the horizontal kind) is good in my books.
Have a solid weekend ya'll.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
half-mast
exactly 1 month ago, on aug 14th 2006- 61 cries curdled the clouds above a sencholi orphanage. sri lanka lost 61 children that day in an air raid - future prime ministers, doctors, writers, peaceworkers...*sigh*
my motherland is being torn apart again and today more so than other days, i wish there was some way i could turn back the hands of time.i feel like my hands are tied - i'm stuck - i'm far enough to feel physically removed yet emotionally close enough to be completely devastated by all of this.
and yesterday - some nimrod opened fire in a Montreal schoolyard injuring 20something and killing 1. *double sigh*
there's so much suckage in this post right now that i don't think i can wax poetic. sorry ya'll - this one is for remembrance more than anything else.
may the powers that be guide those that have been impacted by these human follies - and may the rest of us find enough clarity to realize that it doesn't have to be this way.
my motherland is being torn apart again and today more so than other days, i wish there was some way i could turn back the hands of time.i feel like my hands are tied - i'm stuck - i'm far enough to feel physically removed yet emotionally close enough to be completely devastated by all of this.
and yesterday - some nimrod opened fire in a Montreal schoolyard injuring 20something and killing 1. *double sigh*
there's so much suckage in this post right now that i don't think i can wax poetic. sorry ya'll - this one is for remembrance more than anything else.
may the powers that be guide those that have been impacted by these human follies - and may the rest of us find enough clarity to realize that it doesn't have to be this way.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
first day revelations...
On Sept 11th, five years after North Americans experienced one of its largest disasters, I nervously waited at Islington Station for Mikey’s mom and Aunt, clutching my bright yellow hold-all. I was hoping it made me invincible or heck, invisible at the least (doubtful considering the sheer propensity of my screaming yellow leather). It was officially the first day of my RCIA course.
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
First day revelations..
On Sept 11th, five years after North Americans experienced one of its largest disasters, I nervously waited at Islington Station for Mikey’s mom and Aunt, clutching my bright yellow hold-all. I was hoping it made me invincible or heck, invisible at the least (doubtful considering the sheer propensity of my screaming yellow leather). It was officially the first day of my RCIA course.
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
For those of you who haven’t brushed up on your Catholicism as of late – RCIA stands for Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. This is where strayed herds flock to reconnect with their faith and repent their past wrongs by delving into and completing their sacraments. It also happens to be phase 1 for other livestock, (re: hindu, muslim, jewish cattle etc), to explore and experience the role Catholicism might play in their existence. The class is every Monday night from 7:30 -9:30 all the way until the end of May. Their dearest and deepest hope is that all their students complete the course and graduate as fully baptized Catholics. In my entrance interview, I made it crystal that if for a second I felt like I was about to be victimized by being baptized against my will – that I would run. And I wasn’t afraid to take down the lovely old course moderator on my way out. Mikes has trained me well with all his shoving strategies witnessed on the subway.
Background: I was doing this to make Aunty happy. That’s all. I was learning about Mikeys religion, his ideologies, the roots of his belief system so in the event (lord forbid) we have children – I’ve got the tools to point them in the right direction. I’m not resentful for making this decision – it’s actually one of the clearest indicators that I must truly adore this man. However, I made it abundantly clear that while I was Hindu by birth, I was a practicing Hindu by choice. Arey Bhaghavan, I’ve got an Om emblazoned on the left side of my chest to reflect this definition of self. It is a key piece in the jana puzzle – and adamantly, I choose to keep it so. Now think about it people - could there be a worse candidate for conversion? That’s like marrying someone who proudly showcases a permanent tattoo of his ex’s name on his forehead – yup, see what I mean. No good can come of a union like that.
The Experience: The actual class was a group of 10. People were there for all types of reasons from completing missed confirmations, implementing a unified religion in their family, finding themselves, reconnecting with God, looking for answers, exploring due to an impending marriage – you name it – the room reflected it. And I didn’t feel as lost, as compromised, as sacrificial a lamb as I assumed I would. Actually, I was quite amazed by the experience.
You see, growing up in a convent made sure that I understood the Catholic faith, growing up with a mother who is inherently fascinated by all things catholic meant I learnt to respect it. In our little pooja room, Jesus hangs out with his homie Ganesh and they sure as heck kick it with Buddha on the occasion. I’d always envied my friends (real and flog bound) who have these communal religious groups that they participate in – activities, socials, athletics, prayer meets, conventions – you name it, these church bound people were doing it. It was the sense of community that my religion lacked. Ours exists as a purely personal bond with God – one that has no sermons, no publicized teachings, no take aways and action items – it was spirituality and religion at its purest form – man cocooning himself hungrily in that circle of divinity. And this is what I enjoy about being Hindu – that I can create a personal bond to soothe the restlessness within – no rules, just open doors. And that’s how we coexist with religion in my home.
So anyways, it’s not like I had my hate on when I embarked on this journey. But, I was surprised. Here you had, 10 people – jaded, cynical, weather beaten and worn down by life experiences – willing to place their trust in a higher power. Think newborns as they grasp at their mother’s nipple – trusting and vulnerable. I discovered things about these people that showcased their depth – things that you wouldn’t share with complete strangers, things you’d think twice to share with acquaintances. There in that little room, around that rectangular table – something shifted. And I witnessed the seed of humanity –which we all share – unequivocally. It’s eye opening to be in a room with that much faith, even the course director was amazed at what a wonderful introductory session we had. I felt closer to these people as we exited the building – excited to reconvene the following Monday.
And on my way home that night, I came to a tiny little miniscule revelation. I liked it. Now now, lets not get ahead of ourselves – I won’t be banging down any doors to dunk my head in holy water and call myself Anne but, maybe I’ll find a reason to claim this deed for myself. Like I told Mikey’s mom the morning after my foray into the other side – while I started this journey of faith to appease her I might actually find enough reasons to continue my commitment for myself. And THAT my dear friends, is HUGE.
After all, God by any name and any label is still God. It’s the simple and true knowledge that there is a higher power that exists above us all – a power that guides us and has set about a pre-determined purpose to our existences. Having that faith absolves you of bearing the burdens of the entire world on your own human shoulders. Seeing that light lets you rise above the pettiness of your current context – it breeds humility and nurtures awe for that elusive bigger picture. It helps you realize that while life can be fragile – that there is no doubt a fleet of higher beings looking out for the wellness of the world – a sect that you belong to by merely being alive.Now, is that comforting? Absolutely.
That night I walked out awakened. To myself. My spirituality. My religion. His religion. And the knowledge that at our very core we really are all the same, despite our personal paths or journey.
And that is the beginning of a world filled with epiphanies and revelations…
Monday, September 11, 2006
Ring a ling a ling..
it's housekeeping.
this morning i awoke to an echoing moan reverberating through the emptiness. Sound bounces off bereft walls making everything sound eerily louder. It must be the stillness that silently accompanies a lifeless void. The knowledge that nothing exists sends a shiver slithering down my spine. Words that once thrived, now shrivelled under the icy gaze of neglect (a cause for public flogging had I been a gardener and this blog my patch of green).
I realized, I was no better than a low down skeevin cheater - that was me. I got caught up in the glitz of the moment. I had forgotten my first love. Kicked my purpose to the curb in a flurry of activity. I had misplaced my reservoir of energy – that which let me introspectively script out the lyrics of the next song. To chart the next notes my life will sing (sans instrumentation of course).
And that's when it hit me.
I haven't been home. For those of you who don't remember me pre-flog - you met me part ways through. I was the verbiage girl - the one who felt far more comfortable hiding and burrowing behind constructions of the alphabet than cheesin’ before a camera. And yet, somewhere between the glare of flashes, I had fallen. Vanity got the best of me and idiom was left alone to wither by the wayside. Cruelly, I had forgotten to fill my most precious room with light.
So welcome home me.
May tomorrow and the days to come be filled with the sheer brilliance of visual sound.
this morning i awoke to an echoing moan reverberating through the emptiness. Sound bounces off bereft walls making everything sound eerily louder. It must be the stillness that silently accompanies a lifeless void. The knowledge that nothing exists sends a shiver slithering down my spine. Words that once thrived, now shrivelled under the icy gaze of neglect (a cause for public flogging had I been a gardener and this blog my patch of green).
I realized, I was no better than a low down skeevin cheater - that was me. I got caught up in the glitz of the moment. I had forgotten my first love. Kicked my purpose to the curb in a flurry of activity. I had misplaced my reservoir of energy – that which let me introspectively script out the lyrics of the next song. To chart the next notes my life will sing (sans instrumentation of course).
And that's when it hit me.
I haven't been home. For those of you who don't remember me pre-flog - you met me part ways through. I was the verbiage girl - the one who felt far more comfortable hiding and burrowing behind constructions of the alphabet than cheesin’ before a camera. And yet, somewhere between the glare of flashes, I had fallen. Vanity got the best of me and idiom was left alone to wither by the wayside. Cruelly, I had forgotten to fill my most precious room with light.
So welcome home me.
May tomorrow and the days to come be filled with the sheer brilliance of visual sound.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Which baby are you?
Thought i'd give this piece of virtual place some CPR - I'm trying folks - I promise to try and post more and more often.
here's a little something i received today - FYI: I'm an october baby!
---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom
Shows
Emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Down-to-Earth.
Stubborn.
----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and Clever.
Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined To
Reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.
Loves Aggressiveness. Too
Sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not Show
It. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely Shows
It. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and Hopes.
Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not
Outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn To Show
Emotions.
-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved.
>Secretive.
> >Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and
>serenity.
> >Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.
> >Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly
>shows emotions. Tends to
> >bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.
------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative.
Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.
Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude.
Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to Look
For information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh.
Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around.
Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy.
Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.
Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.
Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled.
Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical.
Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home.
Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.
------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be
Around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a
great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner. A
Wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection.
You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous
Actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings.
Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful.
Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms
Impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally.
Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.
Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self-control.
Kind hearted. Self-confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.
Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer.
Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved.
Hates studying. In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom.
Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "Beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed.
A fighter.
------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.
Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless.
Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore.
Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
--------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to take things at the center.
Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often.
Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends.
Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated.
Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but
Definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at Times.
Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
Your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive.
Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and
Very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands
Out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month.
If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means you're the most good-looking person possible...better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness.
Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind.
Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best.
Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills.
Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person.
Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome.
Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions.
Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
here's a little something i received today - FYI: I'm an october baby!
---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom
Shows
Emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Down-to-Earth.
Stubborn.
----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and Clever.
Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined To
Reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.
Loves Aggressiveness. Too
Sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not Show
It. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely Shows
It. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and Hopes.
Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not
Outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn To Show
Emotions.
-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved.
>Secretive.
> >Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and
>serenity.
> >Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.
> >Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly
>shows emotions. Tends to
> >bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.
------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative.
Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.
Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude.
Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to Look
For information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh.
Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around.
Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy.
Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.
Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.
Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled.
Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical.
Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home.
Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.
------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be
Around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a
great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner. A
Wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection.
You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous
Actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings.
Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful.
Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms
Impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally.
Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.
Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self-control.
Kind hearted. Self-confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.
Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer.
Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved.
Hates studying. In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom.
Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "Beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed.
A fighter.
------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.
Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless.
Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore.
Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
--------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to take things at the center.
Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often.
Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends.
Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated.
Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but
Definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at Times.
Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
Your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive.
Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and
Very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands
Out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month.
If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means you're the most good-looking person possible...better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness.
Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind.
Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best.
Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills.
Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person.
Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome.
Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions.
Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Blisters
Speckle the emotive half of my cerebrum.
The first half of Saturday was emotionally harrowing. Returning to a place filled with many a traumatizing memory, I thought I might be adult enough to make peace with my past. Unfortunately for me, that just wasn’t about to happen. From the moment I walked in to the moment I left- I had to hold the tears back. Steeled against what I knew was a pretense, I watched the dramatics unfold in this superficially staged play. He involved us. Involved amma in her own amma’s remembrance and for that I was thankful. I watched him, them, carefully. Scrutinizing their expressions for a crack in the put on veneer. Nope. Nothing. I guess they never felt it. Remorse should come from within but their insides are bereft of such feeling – I suppose. No matter, us girls stuck close to our father. And when we moved over to surround amma in a collective barrier of love, the boys covered dad. It was endearing really to see the result of our growth. We will never be them. That much is certain. The blisters, on the other hand, are unfit for band aids and antibacterial soap. It reminds me of something my grandma used to say: Wash your mouth with dettol. In her ignorance, she believed that lips that spoke ill could be cured with a slosh of dettol. I wonder how much you’d need to douse yourself in that stuff. No matter, I cried my little heart out in the car with Mikey. I cried not fully out of pain but mostly out of pity. Had she been alive, she would’ve realized the caliber of her spawn. And in disgrace, she would’ve cried too. That triggered the cascade of hurt and I just let it out. And gratefully, he let it pass – nothing said, no put on empathy given, no ‘saving face’ type words spoken. That’s why he fits in with us. Because he accepts us, as we are – not as what he thinks we can all become in the future.
The baby shower was interesting. It was fun spending time with the mom to be and my gorgeous girlfriends. It’s interesting how I can call them that. They were never mine to begin with and yet, through time something changed. I look at them the same way I look at my own – with concern, with my protective instincts ready to go up if the need arises, with loyalty and a tremendous amount of love. And that spilled over into an evening of pure bliss. M’s mom and dad joined the gang for Bear’s birthday soiree and once again I was tickled pink at how everything flowed flawlessly. We went back to their house and Bear’s broke open her pressies to find enough new gear to transform the borderline tom boy into a chic summer ready fashionista. Everyone did good with picking out things for her – all in all, it was a memorable night indeed.
Sunday was filled with rekindling some old fires with Mikeys mom. Things have been slightly shaky between us thanks to january’s verbal bout of ick. Thankfully, when I saw her things felt newer, better, familiar. She was my friend again but only because the two weeks away made me realize that I like having her in my life. More as a friend than a relative. And when we did hang out, that’s what I remembered the most. The friend part. She brought back tones of goodies for me from dubai and cochin. And as she was showing me each thing, I saw how excited she got watching me become excited. It was nice to return to that familiar feeling – like jammies that you lost and accidently found. Comfortable.
The rest of Sunday was spent doing work. Literally. In front of my laptop writing for hours. C’est la vie! Hopefully everyone had two days of bliss.
--
Mission for the coming week: get rid of all tell tale signs of those barely there blisters.
The first half of Saturday was emotionally harrowing. Returning to a place filled with many a traumatizing memory, I thought I might be adult enough to make peace with my past. Unfortunately for me, that just wasn’t about to happen. From the moment I walked in to the moment I left- I had to hold the tears back. Steeled against what I knew was a pretense, I watched the dramatics unfold in this superficially staged play. He involved us. Involved amma in her own amma’s remembrance and for that I was thankful. I watched him, them, carefully. Scrutinizing their expressions for a crack in the put on veneer. Nope. Nothing. I guess they never felt it. Remorse should come from within but their insides are bereft of such feeling – I suppose. No matter, us girls stuck close to our father. And when we moved over to surround amma in a collective barrier of love, the boys covered dad. It was endearing really to see the result of our growth. We will never be them. That much is certain. The blisters, on the other hand, are unfit for band aids and antibacterial soap. It reminds me of something my grandma used to say: Wash your mouth with dettol. In her ignorance, she believed that lips that spoke ill could be cured with a slosh of dettol. I wonder how much you’d need to douse yourself in that stuff. No matter, I cried my little heart out in the car with Mikey. I cried not fully out of pain but mostly out of pity. Had she been alive, she would’ve realized the caliber of her spawn. And in disgrace, she would’ve cried too. That triggered the cascade of hurt and I just let it out. And gratefully, he let it pass – nothing said, no put on empathy given, no ‘saving face’ type words spoken. That’s why he fits in with us. Because he accepts us, as we are – not as what he thinks we can all become in the future.
The baby shower was interesting. It was fun spending time with the mom to be and my gorgeous girlfriends. It’s interesting how I can call them that. They were never mine to begin with and yet, through time something changed. I look at them the same way I look at my own – with concern, with my protective instincts ready to go up if the need arises, with loyalty and a tremendous amount of love. And that spilled over into an evening of pure bliss. M’s mom and dad joined the gang for Bear’s birthday soiree and once again I was tickled pink at how everything flowed flawlessly. We went back to their house and Bear’s broke open her pressies to find enough new gear to transform the borderline tom boy into a chic summer ready fashionista. Everyone did good with picking out things for her – all in all, it was a memorable night indeed.
Sunday was filled with rekindling some old fires with Mikeys mom. Things have been slightly shaky between us thanks to january’s verbal bout of ick. Thankfully, when I saw her things felt newer, better, familiar. She was my friend again but only because the two weeks away made me realize that I like having her in my life. More as a friend than a relative. And when we did hang out, that’s what I remembered the most. The friend part. She brought back tones of goodies for me from dubai and cochin. And as she was showing me each thing, I saw how excited she got watching me become excited. It was nice to return to that familiar feeling – like jammies that you lost and accidently found. Comfortable.
The rest of Sunday was spent doing work. Literally. In front of my laptop writing for hours. C’est la vie! Hopefully everyone had two days of bliss.
--
Mission for the coming week: get rid of all tell tale signs of those barely there blisters.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Tamarind
Laced fingers – practically indistinguishable genetically yet separate thanks to 44 years that distanced us.
Fair. Spotted. Translucent. Strange I thought. Mine didn’t look so shimmery in the light. She was special from the start. Little did I know that was also a sign of her battle where swords were drawn against an undefeatable opponent - time.
We’d sit for hours on the balcony, cordoned off from the rickety railway tracks watching life as it was lived on the outskirts of our secure bubble. That was the beauty of 75 International Buddhist Center Road. The only house on the road painstakingly build from ground up by hands fueled with tamil blood – hands that were widely considered honorary Sinhalese ones. I loved leaning back on her cushiony bosom and listening to her whisper the stories that birthed me. From nothing to everything, her hands would gently caress mine and I learned from life about the caliber of humanity. Enough to pen unbirthed novels, she’d say. Unbirthed, still.
Hours would pass, with us sitting in papaya seeds scattered like freckles on crisp clean marble. Freckles like tamarind seeds precariously placed on steaming coconut rice. It was her moment to shine. In me, she left her essence – imprinted in words. We shared so much, more than most would imagine – the 9 year old me and the 53 year old her – somehow of one spirit. Harlequins, dreams, Enid Blyton, poetry, sunset wishes, steaming puttu slick with butter and crystallized sugar, jam consumed in secrecy – she was the consummate best friend before I realized I had another. Through welded iron and glass windows, we would patiently wait for the sunset – all the while making wishes that she full well believed would come true.
“ke sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see, ke sera sera.”
The lilt of her song has followed me through countries, languages, moments of discovery, self-awareness, rebellion – they never left my side. In reflections, I see it as the invisible person in the room. A shadow that casts itself and shatters the common perception of me. It defines my roots and in turn the person I’ve become. In some ways, it is my soundtrack.
There’s no need to worry about me. The pain, it seems to have fallen away – it’s not as sharp or as tart as the first taste of tamarind on unfamiliar lips. It molded me, became a part of my rhetoric – so much so that I don’t realize she’s gone until I’m reminded by her two ungrateful spawns that its time for a ‘show’.
Many many years ago, I thought I saw that familiar spirit in my newborn cousin. But I was wrong because I quickly realized – you cannot embody the essence of someone if you were never touched by her life. Now, I pity them. They never ever knew the real her – sure she was their mom but never their friend. The her that had dreams of Japanese flowers (that’s how amma got them – osmosis perhaps), wanted to travel sans drama, wanted a parivar that was connected in truity not pretense….she wanted so much out of life and most of it – just never came true. And that, is something none of them will ever know about her. I guess that’s why we try so hard to be friends with our amma, that’s why we’re insanely close because we (her grandkids) saw how the lack of those things – erased her.
This Saturday – tomorrow – the tamil calendar marks her 20th death anniversary and in a big cold house in the middle of nowhere, her life will be remembered by those that never remembered her when there was life to still live. And for the first time in many many many years of proactively deciding to wrench myself and my parivar away from the pretense – a reunion of sorts is in the works. I’ll be there in person – doing what needs to be done as the first grandchild in the family. And as the first –I will smile while holding down the tartness of this experience somewhere deep within.
And behind every smile will be the silent reminder: we may have forgiven the actions of the past but never will we forget.
Ke sera, sera.
Fair. Spotted. Translucent. Strange I thought. Mine didn’t look so shimmery in the light. She was special from the start. Little did I know that was also a sign of her battle where swords were drawn against an undefeatable opponent - time.
We’d sit for hours on the balcony, cordoned off from the rickety railway tracks watching life as it was lived on the outskirts of our secure bubble. That was the beauty of 75 International Buddhist Center Road. The only house on the road painstakingly build from ground up by hands fueled with tamil blood – hands that were widely considered honorary Sinhalese ones. I loved leaning back on her cushiony bosom and listening to her whisper the stories that birthed me. From nothing to everything, her hands would gently caress mine and I learned from life about the caliber of humanity. Enough to pen unbirthed novels, she’d say. Unbirthed, still.
Hours would pass, with us sitting in papaya seeds scattered like freckles on crisp clean marble. Freckles like tamarind seeds precariously placed on steaming coconut rice. It was her moment to shine. In me, she left her essence – imprinted in words. We shared so much, more than most would imagine – the 9 year old me and the 53 year old her – somehow of one spirit. Harlequins, dreams, Enid Blyton, poetry, sunset wishes, steaming puttu slick with butter and crystallized sugar, jam consumed in secrecy – she was the consummate best friend before I realized I had another. Through welded iron and glass windows, we would patiently wait for the sunset – all the while making wishes that she full well believed would come true.
“ke sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see, ke sera sera.”
The lilt of her song has followed me through countries, languages, moments of discovery, self-awareness, rebellion – they never left my side. In reflections, I see it as the invisible person in the room. A shadow that casts itself and shatters the common perception of me. It defines my roots and in turn the person I’ve become. In some ways, it is my soundtrack.
There’s no need to worry about me. The pain, it seems to have fallen away – it’s not as sharp or as tart as the first taste of tamarind on unfamiliar lips. It molded me, became a part of my rhetoric – so much so that I don’t realize she’s gone until I’m reminded by her two ungrateful spawns that its time for a ‘show’.
Many many years ago, I thought I saw that familiar spirit in my newborn cousin. But I was wrong because I quickly realized – you cannot embody the essence of someone if you were never touched by her life. Now, I pity them. They never ever knew the real her – sure she was their mom but never their friend. The her that had dreams of Japanese flowers (that’s how amma got them – osmosis perhaps), wanted to travel sans drama, wanted a parivar that was connected in truity not pretense….she wanted so much out of life and most of it – just never came true. And that, is something none of them will ever know about her. I guess that’s why we try so hard to be friends with our amma, that’s why we’re insanely close because we (her grandkids) saw how the lack of those things – erased her.
This Saturday – tomorrow – the tamil calendar marks her 20th death anniversary and in a big cold house in the middle of nowhere, her life will be remembered by those that never remembered her when there was life to still live. And for the first time in many many many years of proactively deciding to wrench myself and my parivar away from the pretense – a reunion of sorts is in the works. I’ll be there in person – doing what needs to be done as the first grandchild in the family. And as the first –I will smile while holding down the tartness of this experience somewhere deep within.
And behind every smile will be the silent reminder: we may have forgiven the actions of the past but never will we forget.
Ke sera, sera.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Aching
It never dawned on me how much I missed that characteristic scent of her. Or the way her hands, lighter than the brown skin I was loosely wrapped in, would stroke my nightingale locks. Or how her once dark hair speckled with grey flecks of experience, shimmered when the light illuminated her in 90degree parameters. Of the way her cheeks rose and fell at the command of her plump lips oftentimes whispering encouraging lyrics to wounded ears. To the wide eyed and idealistic ones, she was beauty defined. Ageless and transcending reality. That’s what I miss the most today. The ability to take one look at her shadowy pools of darkness and know that this too shall pass. Ironically, she taught me just that.
--
why is she on my mind? because 20 years ago to this very day, i was in her arms blissfully unaware that in 11 days - she'd fall through the cracks of karma and leave me searching...forever.
--
why is she on my mind? because 20 years ago to this very day, i was in her arms blissfully unaware that in 11 days - she'd fall through the cracks of karma and leave me searching...forever.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
2 Funerals and an Engagement.
The beginning of this week slapped the euphoric joy that had somehow lodged itself into my existence after my friend R’s engagement-do at her local Guju mandir. For a second, I felt it. I actually felt tremors of something run down my spinal chord and it was good to know that I can still feel things (lately I’ve been forgetting how that happens). That moment of infinite joy as you see someone walk into the phase of life that they so desperately dreamt of for years and years and years – is heady to say the least. This girl was the die hard romantic even at the worst of times. She truly, madly, deeply believed in the power of love culminating in the union of two. So after a few fumbles and falls, it was nice to know that the universe does conspire to make some things happen – as they should. Bliss.
Earlier this week, I fell smack dab into two funerals. My old age must be gaining on me because I’m starting to find that viewings take a toll on my psychological health. I get there, I stare into tear filled eyes and I subconsciously place myself in their shoes. Size 8 or not, they fit. And once again, I feel something. This time it hits my core. Imagine a linebacker vs. a rag doll. Yup. That’s what it was. That’s how it is. I hear their wails and my unmoving lips wail like ventriloquists do. Gutteral. Hurt. Displaced. I peer into the open casket and I see familiar faces of grandparents passed on, an appapatti surviving the ride, a dad that doesn’t care enough to control his diabetes – and it begins. The eyes fill up and overflow because they can’t contain the hurt the heart feels. It doesn’t seem to matter who it is – I put myself there and I cry for them as much as I cry for myself.
Leaving sucks. Being left behind sucks even more.
On my way out of the funeral hall, I ran into a family friend. A strong Sri Lankan woman who recently lost her father. Sure, they weren’t on the best of terms. Sure, she didn’t even live with him. Neither did her mom. Yet, when I saw her. I felt her grief. Or maybe it was my guilt that came rushing through. Guilt for not taking the time to even make an appearance at the viewing. Guilt for not reaching out when she could’ve used the extra shoulder. And it hit me again. Maybe it was just guilt I felt thanks to the selfish me.
The ride home that night was filled with us four women freaking out. And boy oh boy, what a sight that was! Nobody exaggerates things more than we do. As we drove away from the funeral parlor, you could hear are unspoken thoughts – thank god, it wasn’t one of ours. Thank god, that our close knit family is still just that – close knit and alive. I do this every time I hear about inner city violence, or the sound of squealing tires followed by sirens, or my eyes glance through the obituaries. I think it – tinged with guilt, it smarts on its way up – but I continue doing it. I broke down a conversation that I had with my cousin at the viewing where she reaffirmed that very same sentiment in hushed whispers.
Thank god, it wasn’t one of ours.
I wonder what the karmic retribution for that selfish thought is. Whatever it maybe, bring it on world because I’m certain that I will think it again.
Earlier this week, I fell smack dab into two funerals. My old age must be gaining on me because I’m starting to find that viewings take a toll on my psychological health. I get there, I stare into tear filled eyes and I subconsciously place myself in their shoes. Size 8 or not, they fit. And once again, I feel something. This time it hits my core. Imagine a linebacker vs. a rag doll. Yup. That’s what it was. That’s how it is. I hear their wails and my unmoving lips wail like ventriloquists do. Gutteral. Hurt. Displaced. I peer into the open casket and I see familiar faces of grandparents passed on, an appapatti surviving the ride, a dad that doesn’t care enough to control his diabetes – and it begins. The eyes fill up and overflow because they can’t contain the hurt the heart feels. It doesn’t seem to matter who it is – I put myself there and I cry for them as much as I cry for myself.
Leaving sucks. Being left behind sucks even more.
On my way out of the funeral hall, I ran into a family friend. A strong Sri Lankan woman who recently lost her father. Sure, they weren’t on the best of terms. Sure, she didn’t even live with him. Neither did her mom. Yet, when I saw her. I felt her grief. Or maybe it was my guilt that came rushing through. Guilt for not taking the time to even make an appearance at the viewing. Guilt for not reaching out when she could’ve used the extra shoulder. And it hit me again. Maybe it was just guilt I felt thanks to the selfish me.
The ride home that night was filled with us four women freaking out. And boy oh boy, what a sight that was! Nobody exaggerates things more than we do. As we drove away from the funeral parlor, you could hear are unspoken thoughts – thank god, it wasn’t one of ours. Thank god, that our close knit family is still just that – close knit and alive. I do this every time I hear about inner city violence, or the sound of squealing tires followed by sirens, or my eyes glance through the obituaries. I think it – tinged with guilt, it smarts on its way up – but I continue doing it. I broke down a conversation that I had with my cousin at the viewing where she reaffirmed that very same sentiment in hushed whispers.
Thank god, it wasn’t one of ours.
I wonder what the karmic retribution for that selfish thought is. Whatever it maybe, bring it on world because I’m certain that I will think it again.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Yesterday...
Her confidence shriveled to fit the standard manila 9.5" x 4.125" coffin, cushioned by the canned message that a communications nerd penned, unfeelingly.
Rejected - Again.
It didn’t seem to matter that she had mentally prepared herself for this – her worst case scenario. It still stung like a wild hornet feasting on her DNA.
Lighter, that’s what it feels like when you’re stripped of the goals that drive you forward.
One down, two more to go. Until the calm returns, she’ll hide behind pleasant smiles and sugar coated niceness – all the while nursing the limping dream within.
At times like this, logic escapes the soul. And this state of slow submersion, feels eternal. Caught somewhere between the folds of that letter, was her rising nightmare.
She will survive. Because, rejection eventually fuels dreams that are real.
I just hope that she knows this for herself.
Rejected - Again.
It didn’t seem to matter that she had mentally prepared herself for this – her worst case scenario. It still stung like a wild hornet feasting on her DNA.
Lighter, that’s what it feels like when you’re stripped of the goals that drive you forward.
One down, two more to go. Until the calm returns, she’ll hide behind pleasant smiles and sugar coated niceness – all the while nursing the limping dream within.
At times like this, logic escapes the soul. And this state of slow submersion, feels eternal. Caught somewhere between the folds of that letter, was her rising nightmare.
She will survive. Because, rejection eventually fuels dreams that are real.
I just hope that she knows this for herself.
True or False - Answered truthfully.
Another goodie courtesy of Susan.
--::--
I am a cuddler – false – except when I’m pmsing and need some positive “touch”
I am a morning person – True – bright and early (as in 5:00am on a sat morning)
I am a perfectionist – True – If I think I can’t get it right, I don’t do it at all (a curse)
I am an only child - False – and thank heavens for that. Only children are weird.
I am Catholic – False – but I’m apparently gonna marry one – can I get into the club?
I am currently in my pajamas –False – although I wish I were – that might make for some great work comedy
I am single: True – born alone. Will die alone. In the meantime, I hang out with many.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart – True – I’ve disappointed my inner child by going corporate canada-esque
I am okay at styling other people's hair – True – as long as you don’t have creepy crawlies in there
I am left handed – False – although most people assume I am b/c I wear my watch on my right wrist
I am addicted to my myspace – False – if by that you mean my room, then yes. Yes I am.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message – False – I wish I had the patience to be that connected.
I am very shy around the opposite gender at first – True – I’m shy and my defense mechanism is extroversion. Strange eh?
I bite my nails – False – I used to bite my toe nails ONLY thank you very much.
I can be paranoid at times – True – at times? Nuh uh, its second nature on most days.
I currently regret something that I have said or done- True – I’m always regretting things and then forgetting why I was regretting them
When I get mad I curse frequently – True – I make sailors blush and sea monsters run for cover
I get mad frequently – True – anger management classes are required. (a side effect of a Type A personality, don’t you know)
I don't like anyone – False – Oftentimes, I know if I’m feeling someone in the first few seconds that I meet them. Although, my judgment has sometimes led me astray.
I enjoy country music- True – but only because Im not a big music-head so, I enjoy anything with a good beat depending on the mood I’m in.
I enjoy jazz music – True – see above.
I enjoy smoothies –True – slurpable nutrients: yummers. If only all fruit came in this format.
I enjoy talking on the phone – True – I used to be a phone monger but, in my old age I’ve discovered that I prefer communicating through email.
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school –False – I can focus like it’s nobody’s business.
I have a lot to learn – True – Regardless of how far I come, I still feel like a fetus in comparison to soooo many people I idolize.
I have a pet – True – Her name is Rama. I pet her often and even walk her on most days.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal – True – One? Don’t you mean many? That’s the joy of being alive in my books – learning by falling flat on my face and then trying hard to deflate attention by hiding it all.
I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person – True – I used to. And maybe I still do. It’s just that this time the “wrong” person (as in type/personality) turned out to be the perfect one for me.
I have all my grandparents – False – I wish I did. One left.
I have at least one sibling – True – Thank heavens for that.
I have been told that I am smart – True – All my life. Although quite frankly, I’d much rather be the pretty one.
I have broken a bone – False – If you know me, you’d know I’m waaay too scared of anything physical.
I have Caller I.D. on my phone – True – who doesn’t?
I have changed a diaper – True – more times than I care to remember.
I have changed a lot over the past year – True – Change is the only constant in my existence these days.
I have done something illegal –True – I plead the fifth on details – chalk it up to secrets I’m too ashamed to share.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color – False
I have had major/minor surgery – True
I have killed another person – True – If emotional death counts then yes – Karma will certainly kick my ass for those disasters
I have had my hair cut/colored within the last week – True – I got my fringe trimmed.
I have had the cops called on me – True – OMG, I’m starting to realize that I’m a bad ass.
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't – True – More times than I care to remember.
--::--
I am a cuddler – false – except when I’m pmsing and need some positive “touch”
I am a morning person – True – bright and early (as in 5:00am on a sat morning)
I am a perfectionist – True – If I think I can’t get it right, I don’t do it at all (a curse)
I am an only child - False – and thank heavens for that. Only children are weird.
I am Catholic – False – but I’m apparently gonna marry one – can I get into the club?
I am currently in my pajamas –False – although I wish I were – that might make for some great work comedy
I am single: True – born alone. Will die alone. In the meantime, I hang out with many.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart – True – I’ve disappointed my inner child by going corporate canada-esque
I am okay at styling other people's hair – True – as long as you don’t have creepy crawlies in there
I am left handed – False – although most people assume I am b/c I wear my watch on my right wrist
I am addicted to my myspace – False – if by that you mean my room, then yes. Yes I am.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message – False – I wish I had the patience to be that connected.
I am very shy around the opposite gender at first – True – I’m shy and my defense mechanism is extroversion. Strange eh?
I bite my nails – False – I used to bite my toe nails ONLY thank you very much.
I can be paranoid at times – True – at times? Nuh uh, its second nature on most days.
I currently regret something that I have said or done- True – I’m always regretting things and then forgetting why I was regretting them
When I get mad I curse frequently – True – I make sailors blush and sea monsters run for cover
I get mad frequently – True – anger management classes are required. (a side effect of a Type A personality, don’t you know)
I don't like anyone – False – Oftentimes, I know if I’m feeling someone in the first few seconds that I meet them. Although, my judgment has sometimes led me astray.
I enjoy country music- True – but only because Im not a big music-head so, I enjoy anything with a good beat depending on the mood I’m in.
I enjoy jazz music – True – see above.
I enjoy smoothies –True – slurpable nutrients: yummers. If only all fruit came in this format.
I enjoy talking on the phone – True – I used to be a phone monger but, in my old age I’ve discovered that I prefer communicating through email.
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school –False – I can focus like it’s nobody’s business.
I have a lot to learn – True – Regardless of how far I come, I still feel like a fetus in comparison to soooo many people I idolize.
I have a pet – True – Her name is Rama. I pet her often and even walk her on most days.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal – True – One? Don’t you mean many? That’s the joy of being alive in my books – learning by falling flat on my face and then trying hard to deflate attention by hiding it all.
I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person – True – I used to. And maybe I still do. It’s just that this time the “wrong” person (as in type/personality) turned out to be the perfect one for me.
I have all my grandparents – False – I wish I did. One left.
I have at least one sibling – True – Thank heavens for that.
I have been told that I am smart – True – All my life. Although quite frankly, I’d much rather be the pretty one.
I have broken a bone – False – If you know me, you’d know I’m waaay too scared of anything physical.
I have Caller I.D. on my phone – True – who doesn’t?
I have changed a diaper – True – more times than I care to remember.
I have changed a lot over the past year – True – Change is the only constant in my existence these days.
I have done something illegal –True – I plead the fifth on details – chalk it up to secrets I’m too ashamed to share.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color – False
I have had major/minor surgery – True
I have killed another person – True – If emotional death counts then yes – Karma will certainly kick my ass for those disasters
I have had my hair cut/colored within the last week – True – I got my fringe trimmed.
I have had the cops called on me – True – OMG, I’m starting to realize that I’m a bad ass.
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't – True – More times than I care to remember.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Slurp
Lick. Lick. Lick. Stop.
A mouth-watering medley of random moments captured in its purest form. One plus one equals one, especially when both co-dependent entities share one navel attaching human twine. Made from the same dirt like renditions of Van Gogh that can merely be imitated but never really duplicated. I have that. Sheltered and protected like a secret stash of soul food, nestled away in hard to locate regions of my life. And when I have days where the joy outweighs the pain or vice versa – I burrow deep to unearth my hidden treasure.
Today, I had a Friday – kinda epiphany glazed with sundrops thanks to Mama Spring and her dutiful herons. It arrived virtually. For the first time ever – as in EVER EVER – I felt like Mikes was my own. Not the same as what I described above (nothing can touch that relation of the soul) but similar enough to shrink the distance that separates two strangers. What did he do to deserve this promotion? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. It was fleeting. A mere thoughtlet that brought a smile to my lips and touched the corners of my eyes. And in that moment I felt the onion-layer effect.
This relationship, our relationship, has been just that. A gradual process of revealing layers – physical, emotional and psychological. Slowly we undress in front of each other under bright life-permeating lights– playing a celestial game of de-masking the soul. And oftentimes, I find this grating a process (read: nails on a chalk board) while I’m sure he barely notices the intricacies of this dance. Peeling back all the fronts that we cultivate through life is hard work, far more back breaking than casual relationships with friends who come with unmentionable benefits. Life long loving is tough. Yet today, it felt effortless. I’ve nursed this burgeoning excitement all day. Not because we plan to cause a ruckus tonight, or heck even get into anything super-exciting but, simply because I’ll get to see him. Hanging out with him far exceeds a “Pretty Woman”esque romantic date with any other stranger – and I adore that. Today, I feel like he’s one step closer to being my family. Not quite there yet but, heck he’s certainly not stuck at the bottom of the ladder anymore.
It’s quite fascinating how a person can go from merely mattering to having a profound effect on your life in nanoseconds. Something happens that changes the energy that surrounds your relationship and suddenly – you are caught in a whirlwind. Déjà vu – our first date was reminiscent of this. At the beginning of the evening almost three years ago, I couldn’t wait for our date to end. And somewhere between watching an independent film, indulging in chocolate toast and bubble tea and a chilly walk through a bustling uptown street – something changed. He planted his lips firmly on mine and breathed life to a brand new rishtha (relationship) that has stood the test of time and temperament.
Why this sudden introspection regarding the one thing I don’t worry about too often? Perhaps its our approaching anniversary (april 11) or perhaps its the ring finger on my left hand finally saying: I get it. I do. I do. I do.
Knowledge is power people. Especially when you begin to know yourself. It definitely lives on the list of yummiest moments in my life, thus far.
Have a good weekend.
A mouth-watering medley of random moments captured in its purest form. One plus one equals one, especially when both co-dependent entities share one navel attaching human twine. Made from the same dirt like renditions of Van Gogh that can merely be imitated but never really duplicated. I have that. Sheltered and protected like a secret stash of soul food, nestled away in hard to locate regions of my life. And when I have days where the joy outweighs the pain or vice versa – I burrow deep to unearth my hidden treasure.
Today, I had a Friday – kinda epiphany glazed with sundrops thanks to Mama Spring and her dutiful herons. It arrived virtually. For the first time ever – as in EVER EVER – I felt like Mikes was my own. Not the same as what I described above (nothing can touch that relation of the soul) but similar enough to shrink the distance that separates two strangers. What did he do to deserve this promotion? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. It was fleeting. A mere thoughtlet that brought a smile to my lips and touched the corners of my eyes. And in that moment I felt the onion-layer effect.
This relationship, our relationship, has been just that. A gradual process of revealing layers – physical, emotional and psychological. Slowly we undress in front of each other under bright life-permeating lights– playing a celestial game of de-masking the soul. And oftentimes, I find this grating a process (read: nails on a chalk board) while I’m sure he barely notices the intricacies of this dance. Peeling back all the fronts that we cultivate through life is hard work, far more back breaking than casual relationships with friends who come with unmentionable benefits. Life long loving is tough. Yet today, it felt effortless. I’ve nursed this burgeoning excitement all day. Not because we plan to cause a ruckus tonight, or heck even get into anything super-exciting but, simply because I’ll get to see him. Hanging out with him far exceeds a “Pretty Woman”esque romantic date with any other stranger – and I adore that. Today, I feel like he’s one step closer to being my family. Not quite there yet but, heck he’s certainly not stuck at the bottom of the ladder anymore.
It’s quite fascinating how a person can go from merely mattering to having a profound effect on your life in nanoseconds. Something happens that changes the energy that surrounds your relationship and suddenly – you are caught in a whirlwind. Déjà vu – our first date was reminiscent of this. At the beginning of the evening almost three years ago, I couldn’t wait for our date to end. And somewhere between watching an independent film, indulging in chocolate toast and bubble tea and a chilly walk through a bustling uptown street – something changed. He planted his lips firmly on mine and breathed life to a brand new rishtha (relationship) that has stood the test of time and temperament.
Why this sudden introspection regarding the one thing I don’t worry about too often? Perhaps its our approaching anniversary (april 11) or perhaps its the ring finger on my left hand finally saying: I get it. I do. I do. I do.
Knowledge is power people. Especially when you begin to know yourself. It definitely lives on the list of yummiest moments in my life, thus far.
Have a good weekend.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Hide & Seek
that's the game I tend to play with my heart. Often they start in the darkness of night, when nobody is watching and no one is accountable for getting lost or getting found. I find that I lose myself in the day. Between tasks, thoughts, trials, tribulations, trails that never end and I toil like the day never began.
On most days, i wish that darkness would stay a little longer. To fortify my childlike soul, constantly fighting against the flow. Reality is merely that - real. Momentary. Fleeting. Unyielding. Unsatisfactory. Permanent. Nothing you do can be undone because it disappears as waves do, silently - marklessly. If you blink too long, you might end up missing all of it.
And that's where I am, today. An eternal blink where my pupils hide behind fearful reefs - unceremoniously avoiding the piercing gaze of life. Raw. Why must anything powerful come with change? What happened to unicorns with pale shimmery wings and the magic forest with the promise of hide and never be found?
It's there. Nestled somewhere inbetween who I am and what I've learnt through the course of this life - it's there. In hiding. Incognito. Still waiting to be found.
3...2...1.
Damn, its still coming up short.
On most days, i wish that darkness would stay a little longer. To fortify my childlike soul, constantly fighting against the flow. Reality is merely that - real. Momentary. Fleeting. Unyielding. Unsatisfactory. Permanent. Nothing you do can be undone because it disappears as waves do, silently - marklessly. If you blink too long, you might end up missing all of it.
And that's where I am, today. An eternal blink where my pupils hide behind fearful reefs - unceremoniously avoiding the piercing gaze of life. Raw. Why must anything powerful come with change? What happened to unicorns with pale shimmery wings and the magic forest with the promise of hide and never be found?
It's there. Nestled somewhere inbetween who I am and what I've learnt through the course of this life - it's there. In hiding. Incognito. Still waiting to be found.
3...2...1.
Damn, its still coming up short.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
One instance
when stealing rocks.
I found this on malvado's page (a fellow flogger) as his descriptive blurb. And I couldn't help but think that this is what ALL OF US should be aiming for. F*ck being safe. F*ck playing it conservative. If all we have is one chance, lets turn this muthaf*#kin' place out!
Hopefully, he won't mind me posting his words of wisdom!
---:::---
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out , and loudly proclaiming...WOW, that was one hell of a ride!"
I found this on malvado's page (a fellow flogger) as his descriptive blurb. And I couldn't help but think that this is what ALL OF US should be aiming for. F*ck being safe. F*ck playing it conservative. If all we have is one chance, lets turn this muthaf*#kin' place out!
Hopefully, he won't mind me posting his words of wisdom!
---:::---
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out , and loudly proclaiming...WOW, that was one hell of a ride!"
Friday, March 24, 2006
Miniscule
On some days, that’s how this life feels. Small, manageable, easy to clean up and put away. Unfortunately, I haven’t had one of those days in quite a while. Lately, things have been changing all around me and being the water sign that I am, I tend to ebb, flow and change directions simply by being alive.
Breathe in. Breathe out. A mantra or a forced reminder?
On a good day, it feels like someone’s sitting on the remote that controls my life and their ass cheek hit the fast forward button on my existence. Super sonic speeds –enough to make anyone feel like they’re caught in a whirlwind. And I’m starting to realize that I’m only human. (kinda late but hey, better late than never right)
Five things that have changed in 2006:
1.the way I see myself in terms of my career aspirations – juggling balls is the only metaphor that seems to work.
2.the way I see my family – ever since my left hand has been honoured with a ring – I feel even more attached to my family (if that’s possible). I look longingly at each of them, usually at inopportune moments (thereby making myself the butt of their jokes) in fear of leaving and losing. this worries me to no end. everything in life has only proven that marriage complicates matters of the heart. i refuse to let that happen with me. i refuse to be torn from the dirt that i'm made of. and that is my single-minded goal.
3.the way I see mikey – before he was just a boy that I liked hanging out with – now, he’s a boy that I’m willing to live with – and that’s huge. Not at all the romantic fairytale – I see work, work and more back breaking work. In a good way. Loving my family is easy. Loving them every day, unconditionally is damn hard. And now, i'm learning to do that with Mikey. I'm learning to love him unconditionally (not in a hallmark-speak way but in a if you were crippled, i'd still love you way) - sounds harsh? well, atleast its real.
4.the way I interact with “love” – it feels more real now. Surprisingly so. Especially because I always assumed that nothing would change. Now, I look at my growing parivar and I shake my head in apprehension. How am I going to make this work? I don’t know if I have enough love to give to all these extra new people – I can take anything that the people in my family throw at me and now, I’ve gotta add more than a generous helping of resilience to these new loves – in the name of growing pains that is. all i have to travel on is hope and a prayer.
5.my definition of self – a daughter, a sister, a writer, a friend, a girlfriend, a protector, a lifelong learner, a scared almost 30year old on the verge of yet another direction change – my river keeps flowing despite the course it takes. And I keep looking back to make sure that the ones that I love are still there, anchoring me – I’m co-dependent on my family when it comes to defining myself. Pathetic? Maybe so. But, it’s the only way I know how to play this game.
Phew. Exhale.
Thankfully it’s another Friday. The beginning of a weekend sans wedding planning. A weekend where I hope to nurse myself better, kick this flu bug and get in some quality family time. I need it.
Heck, when have I ever not needed more family time???!
Breathe in. Breathe out. A mantra or a forced reminder?
On a good day, it feels like someone’s sitting on the remote that controls my life and their ass cheek hit the fast forward button on my existence. Super sonic speeds –enough to make anyone feel like they’re caught in a whirlwind. And I’m starting to realize that I’m only human. (kinda late but hey, better late than never right)
Five things that have changed in 2006:
1.the way I see myself in terms of my career aspirations – juggling balls is the only metaphor that seems to work.
2.the way I see my family – ever since my left hand has been honoured with a ring – I feel even more attached to my family (if that’s possible). I look longingly at each of them, usually at inopportune moments (thereby making myself the butt of their jokes) in fear of leaving and losing. this worries me to no end. everything in life has only proven that marriage complicates matters of the heart. i refuse to let that happen with me. i refuse to be torn from the dirt that i'm made of. and that is my single-minded goal.
3.the way I see mikey – before he was just a boy that I liked hanging out with – now, he’s a boy that I’m willing to live with – and that’s huge. Not at all the romantic fairytale – I see work, work and more back breaking work. In a good way. Loving my family is easy. Loving them every day, unconditionally is damn hard. And now, i'm learning to do that with Mikey. I'm learning to love him unconditionally (not in a hallmark-speak way but in a if you were crippled, i'd still love you way) - sounds harsh? well, atleast its real.
4.the way I interact with “love” – it feels more real now. Surprisingly so. Especially because I always assumed that nothing would change. Now, I look at my growing parivar and I shake my head in apprehension. How am I going to make this work? I don’t know if I have enough love to give to all these extra new people – I can take anything that the people in my family throw at me and now, I’ve gotta add more than a generous helping of resilience to these new loves – in the name of growing pains that is. all i have to travel on is hope and a prayer.
5.my definition of self – a daughter, a sister, a writer, a friend, a girlfriend, a protector, a lifelong learner, a scared almost 30year old on the verge of yet another direction change – my river keeps flowing despite the course it takes. And I keep looking back to make sure that the ones that I love are still there, anchoring me – I’m co-dependent on my family when it comes to defining myself. Pathetic? Maybe so. But, it’s the only way I know how to play this game.
Phew. Exhale.
Thankfully it’s another Friday. The beginning of a weekend sans wedding planning. A weekend where I hope to nurse myself better, kick this flu bug and get in some quality family time. I need it.
Heck, when have I ever not needed more family time???!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Chapters 1-6 of Me
Inspired by the verbally ambidextrous suse - here's the start of my novella. Sadly, its far less interesting than i hoped it would be.
--::--
Enjoy!
--:::--
Chapter 1:
Initials: JRR
Middle name: Radha (Blame my grandpa and his Sri Lankan roots)
Date of birth: 10/24
Current location: the Tdot
Height: 5'6 (in my dreams) – 5’3 in reality
Hair length: about there…
Eye color: dark chocolate brown
Piercings: 3 on right ear, 4 on left.
Chapter 2:
Do you live with your parents: yes,yes and yes. Thank heavens I do!
Do you get along with your parents: all the time – so much so that it sickens the general public
Are your parents married/separated/divorced: married – and still in love.
Any siblings: 1 soulmate, 1 good friend, 1 four legged munchkin’ & a divaesque kitty
What pets do you have: a zoo full according to my amma. ( rashmi is a monkey and sparky is a dog and trixie is a cat..and well dad, trust me – you don’t want to know what appa can be )
Chapter 3: Favorites
Ice cream flavor: Orange Sorbet
Season: Summer for sandals, Spring for introspection
Clothing brand: Prada (shhh…I’m still sleeping)
Shampoo/conditioner: Dove (I’ m a sucka for great commercials)
Color: Orange
Chapter 4: Do You ...
Sing in the shower: sometimes – I’ve been known to belt out some made up melodies.
Call people back: if I feel like it but, usually I tend to forget – unless your name is Rama or Appa
Believe in love: the type you have to work at? – hell yes. The @first sight type – not so much.
Sleep on a certain side of the bed: I’ve got a cramped single – the only side it has is the middle.
Wear glasses or contacts: tortoise shell glasses when I’m on the computer.
Have any weird habits: can’t bear to paint my fingernails, I flog and blog – weird enough?
Chapter 5: Have You Ever...
Gone skinny dipping: The last time was with a bunch of people who I happily call my friends now.
Worn braces: never – and you can tell that I was a thumb sucker!
Broken a bone: not that I remember
Had stitches: Yes – a rough episode with some sugar cane – my belly gets me into trouble more often that I’d like to think.
Shoplifted: Once @Kmart (on a dare) – Amma made me return it - They told me never to come back then, they went out of business.
Punched someone in the face: Nope – never had the balls to.
Taken painkillers: You call them painkillers, I call them “get through the day”ers (im joking)
Gone scuba diving: no – I will one day though.
Been stung by a bee: nope.but i got bee-stung lips thanks to my uber pricey lipgloss
Thrown up in a restaurant: yup – 19th birthday was probably the most memorable of the bunch.
Been to overnight camp: yup – couldn’t wait to get out and get back to civilization
Written a letter to Santa Clause: yup – like last christmas - how'd you think i got my pressies?
Had detention: unfortunately yes.
Been called a SLUT/WHORE: nods head- needless to say they never repeated themselves.
Chaper 6: Who/What was the last..
Person to IM you: a friend from work on my sick day off
Person to call you: Rama – yes, I know I live with her
Person you hugged: Rama – yes, I know we are big geeks.
Thing you touched: a pen to jot a message down
Thing you ate: Cornish Hen soup – it’s our traditional “feel better” meal
Drank: water and tea
Thing you said: time to go beddy bye and it’s only 9:00pm
Night!
--::--
Enjoy!
--:::--
Chapter 1:
Initials: JRR
Middle name: Radha (Blame my grandpa and his Sri Lankan roots)
Date of birth: 10/24
Current location: the Tdot
Height: 5'6 (in my dreams) – 5’3 in reality
Hair length: about there…
Eye color: dark chocolate brown
Piercings: 3 on right ear, 4 on left.
Chapter 2:
Do you live with your parents: yes,yes and yes. Thank heavens I do!
Do you get along with your parents: all the time – so much so that it sickens the general public
Are your parents married/separated/divorced: married – and still in love.
Any siblings: 1 soulmate, 1 good friend, 1 four legged munchkin’ & a divaesque kitty
What pets do you have: a zoo full according to my amma. ( rashmi is a monkey and sparky is a dog and trixie is a cat..and well dad, trust me – you don’t want to know what appa can be )
Chapter 3: Favorites
Ice cream flavor: Orange Sorbet
Season: Summer for sandals, Spring for introspection
Clothing brand: Prada (shhh…I’m still sleeping)
Shampoo/conditioner: Dove (I’ m a sucka for great commercials)
Color: Orange
Chapter 4: Do You ...
Sing in the shower: sometimes – I’ve been known to belt out some made up melodies.
Call people back: if I feel like it but, usually I tend to forget – unless your name is Rama or Appa
Believe in love: the type you have to work at? – hell yes. The @first sight type – not so much.
Sleep on a certain side of the bed: I’ve got a cramped single – the only side it has is the middle.
Wear glasses or contacts: tortoise shell glasses when I’m on the computer.
Have any weird habits: can’t bear to paint my fingernails, I flog and blog – weird enough?
Chapter 5: Have You Ever...
Gone skinny dipping: The last time was with a bunch of people who I happily call my friends now.
Worn braces: never – and you can tell that I was a thumb sucker!
Broken a bone: not that I remember
Had stitches: Yes – a rough episode with some sugar cane – my belly gets me into trouble more often that I’d like to think.
Shoplifted: Once @Kmart (on a dare) – Amma made me return it - They told me never to come back then, they went out of business.
Punched someone in the face: Nope – never had the balls to.
Taken painkillers: You call them painkillers, I call them “get through the day”ers (im joking)
Gone scuba diving: no – I will one day though.
Been stung by a bee: nope.but i got bee-stung lips thanks to my uber pricey lipgloss
Thrown up in a restaurant: yup – 19th birthday was probably the most memorable of the bunch.
Been to overnight camp: yup – couldn’t wait to get out and get back to civilization
Written a letter to Santa Clause: yup – like last christmas - how'd you think i got my pressies?
Had detention: unfortunately yes.
Been called a SLUT/WHORE: nods head- needless to say they never repeated themselves.
Chaper 6: Who/What was the last..
Person to IM you: a friend from work on my sick day off
Person to call you: Rama – yes, I know I live with her
Person you hugged: Rama – yes, I know we are big geeks.
Thing you touched: a pen to jot a message down
Thing you ate: Cornish Hen soup – it’s our traditional “feel better” meal
Drank: water and tea
Thing you said: time to go beddy bye and it’s only 9:00pm
Night!
To leave or not to leave...that was apparently never the question.
Like time-kissed photographs enveloped in sepia tones, there are memories drenched in yesterdays that lurk in the crevices of my cerebrum. A fellow flogger recently experienced the unfortunate passing of a dear friend, someone who made the choice to seek a tomorrow that transcends our reality. And as if on cue, my mind flipped back the calendar to the day that we got home and realized that one of our family friends lost her son to the evil that lurked in the ravine by our condo in the sheltered ‘burbs. Ironic wouldn’t you say? In the quiet of a well pruned area hung a boy – an artists rendition of celestial irony.
It was such an emotionally horrendous experience for everyone involved. I mean, us girls, exchanged knowing looks – fully aware of the darkness that used to scare the living daylights out of us on our walks to school.
Beautiful yet alarmingly quiet. That’s where everything horrendous went down. From dirty ole perv’s who dropped their pants at the mere sighting of a barely grown child, to angry bums who screamed their ailments at the top of their voices sucking back bottles of rye – this ravine was the breeding ground for the unwanted, the irrelevant and the creepy that lived amongst the seemingly well to do crowds. And that’s where it happened.
This kid, barely 18, strategically planned his exit. The cops found internet files detailing painless ways to kiss the angel of death – he must have sifted through his options before he decided to settle on an innocent birch. That night, its branches were bubblewrapped in infamy. Countless search parties, highlighter yellow caution tape, news crews – they all took their turn tumbling through the often “oohd and ahhhd” ravine. Nature, on man’s urging, had taken a life by simply being available. See idle branches, much like idle minds, is no mans friend.
I cried for what felt like days, although I’m certain that it was mere minutes elongated by the hands of a generous clock. Survived by hard working parents who didn’t understand and two sisters who couldn’t understand, he wrote his exit line and pulled the curtains shut – largely unconcerned about his fellow cast members or the audience he left behind.
And cue to the Applause.
You see, that’s always made me wonder one thing: How do you leave, forever, without looking back at the ones that complete you? Forever – understand that this means – today, tomorrow and for the rest of your existence.
The thought of my loved ones interacting with Yama, dancing to his exit tune, kissing the blue tinged lips of the god that rides a bull – heck, it scares the living daylights out of me. Yes I know I’ll survive. Yes I know I’ll be strong. I’ll have friends to hold my hand, walk me through, lend me a shoulder – but, when dusk hits and I’m left alone with haunting thoughts…will any of that matter? Can anything ease the pain of knowing that they won’t be there when you wake up the next morning.
With my own brand of bravado, I always tell myself that things will be fine. Regardless of whose alive and whose not – my life will go on because my dad has raised a daughter who can stand on her own two feet. That I will hold my head up high, march to the tune of my own drummer and survive. And yet, even before the words leave my lips and touches the air that transports it, tears of lead begin to form.
I used to live in fear once that I’d lose someone in my life that meant more to me that I cared to admit. I used to check up on her by standing in her doorway and waiting to see her chest heave signaling her stay in my world. I used to hide sharp objects, diligently watch my words, pray on a daily basis that she wouldn’t be so selfish as to tear my parivar apart and then…something happened. I woke up one morning and realized that I had stopped caring. Not about her – never about her. But, I’d stopped caring about the threat of impending death. How does that cliché go…a dog that barks..never…yeah, you get it. I didn’t care anymore because a part of me expected it and a part of me believed it would never happen.
A throbbing numbness. I was so numb with the constant threat of departure, that I had steeled myself against feeling anything. And that became the fear that chased me – I wonder if matadors feel this way when the bull flips the script, takes control and chases them up and down the stadium….
My seemingly numb emotional state has come to terms with the fact that I can’t beg people to stay. Heck, on a good day, I can’t even get the people I love to understand my point of view and move in the same direction. Things like this scare me but, what scares me more is my ability to move past it and forget the hurt.
I had. It was erased. Completely so. Until my flogfriend shared her experience and unleased tsunami-like waves that reeked of this other weather beaten story. I’ve always had this great propensity for getting over things on the outside– quickly, easily, efficiently.
Sometimes, there’s nothing we can do to alter the outcome of an equation. Sometimes, regardless of how much we pray, how much we hope, wish, and stand on our heads – things will play out the way they were meant to be. And that my dear friends, is scary in and of itself.
A pointless post. Yet, I feel wonderfully relieved and unburdened.
Now if only everything in life came with an easy aside.
It was such an emotionally horrendous experience for everyone involved. I mean, us girls, exchanged knowing looks – fully aware of the darkness that used to scare the living daylights out of us on our walks to school.
Beautiful yet alarmingly quiet. That’s where everything horrendous went down. From dirty ole perv’s who dropped their pants at the mere sighting of a barely grown child, to angry bums who screamed their ailments at the top of their voices sucking back bottles of rye – this ravine was the breeding ground for the unwanted, the irrelevant and the creepy that lived amongst the seemingly well to do crowds. And that’s where it happened.
This kid, barely 18, strategically planned his exit. The cops found internet files detailing painless ways to kiss the angel of death – he must have sifted through his options before he decided to settle on an innocent birch. That night, its branches were bubblewrapped in infamy. Countless search parties, highlighter yellow caution tape, news crews – they all took their turn tumbling through the often “oohd and ahhhd” ravine. Nature, on man’s urging, had taken a life by simply being available. See idle branches, much like idle minds, is no mans friend.
I cried for what felt like days, although I’m certain that it was mere minutes elongated by the hands of a generous clock. Survived by hard working parents who didn’t understand and two sisters who couldn’t understand, he wrote his exit line and pulled the curtains shut – largely unconcerned about his fellow cast members or the audience he left behind.
And cue to the Applause.
You see, that’s always made me wonder one thing: How do you leave, forever, without looking back at the ones that complete you? Forever – understand that this means – today, tomorrow and for the rest of your existence.
The thought of my loved ones interacting with Yama, dancing to his exit tune, kissing the blue tinged lips of the god that rides a bull – heck, it scares the living daylights out of me. Yes I know I’ll survive. Yes I know I’ll be strong. I’ll have friends to hold my hand, walk me through, lend me a shoulder – but, when dusk hits and I’m left alone with haunting thoughts…will any of that matter? Can anything ease the pain of knowing that they won’t be there when you wake up the next morning.
With my own brand of bravado, I always tell myself that things will be fine. Regardless of whose alive and whose not – my life will go on because my dad has raised a daughter who can stand on her own two feet. That I will hold my head up high, march to the tune of my own drummer and survive. And yet, even before the words leave my lips and touches the air that transports it, tears of lead begin to form.
I used to live in fear once that I’d lose someone in my life that meant more to me that I cared to admit. I used to check up on her by standing in her doorway and waiting to see her chest heave signaling her stay in my world. I used to hide sharp objects, diligently watch my words, pray on a daily basis that she wouldn’t be so selfish as to tear my parivar apart and then…something happened. I woke up one morning and realized that I had stopped caring. Not about her – never about her. But, I’d stopped caring about the threat of impending death. How does that cliché go…a dog that barks..never…yeah, you get it. I didn’t care anymore because a part of me expected it and a part of me believed it would never happen.
A throbbing numbness. I was so numb with the constant threat of departure, that I had steeled myself against feeling anything. And that became the fear that chased me – I wonder if matadors feel this way when the bull flips the script, takes control and chases them up and down the stadium….
My seemingly numb emotional state has come to terms with the fact that I can’t beg people to stay. Heck, on a good day, I can’t even get the people I love to understand my point of view and move in the same direction. Things like this scare me but, what scares me more is my ability to move past it and forget the hurt.
I had. It was erased. Completely so. Until my flogfriend shared her experience and unleased tsunami-like waves that reeked of this other weather beaten story. I’ve always had this great propensity for getting over things on the outside– quickly, easily, efficiently.
Sometimes, there’s nothing we can do to alter the outcome of an equation. Sometimes, regardless of how much we pray, how much we hope, wish, and stand on our heads – things will play out the way they were meant to be. And that my dear friends, is scary in and of itself.
A pointless post. Yet, I feel wonderfully relieved and unburdened.
Now if only everything in life came with an easy aside.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Courtesy of Starf#&ks…
This little tidbit graced my venti 1% vanilla latte making it as profound a vehicle as Deepak Chopra or his pen pals.
The Way I see it #63
Our lives are inspired by the dreams we have from the earliest stages of our youth. When you combine passion and hard work, then success is always possible. While no road is ever straight, dedication and persistence will always lead you to your dreams.
Come On! – On my cup? I realize that advertising is powerful – I mean, you don’t have to preach to the converted. But on a cup? At just after 6am? I’m all for a little bit of inspiring self-talk now and again, heck – I even indulge in it myself (in front of a mirror in the comfort of my blazing orange room) – but corporate inspiration? Can Starbucks get more contrived than this?
No doubt, this is a piece of well-crafted marketing jargon to once again identify with the intellectually-rebellious, spiritually-grounded target group, that most of us happen to find ourselves in. But really, what’s next? Motivational messages on our TTC transfers?
Maybe I’m just having an easily irritable day – if that’s the case – pray for me folks – because today promises to be chaotic.
--
In other news – I also found out that while fear of failure is a popular hurdle to jump – fear of accomplishment is quickly catching up. So guess what – I’m the oxymoron that’s stuck in this catch 22 – yay me.
The Way I see it #63
Our lives are inspired by the dreams we have from the earliest stages of our youth. When you combine passion and hard work, then success is always possible. While no road is ever straight, dedication and persistence will always lead you to your dreams.
Come On! – On my cup? I realize that advertising is powerful – I mean, you don’t have to preach to the converted. But on a cup? At just after 6am? I’m all for a little bit of inspiring self-talk now and again, heck – I even indulge in it myself (in front of a mirror in the comfort of my blazing orange room) – but corporate inspiration? Can Starbucks get more contrived than this?
No doubt, this is a piece of well-crafted marketing jargon to once again identify with the intellectually-rebellious, spiritually-grounded target group, that most of us happen to find ourselves in. But really, what’s next? Motivational messages on our TTC transfers?
Maybe I’m just having an easily irritable day – if that’s the case – pray for me folks – because today promises to be chaotic.
--
In other news – I also found out that while fear of failure is a popular hurdle to jump – fear of accomplishment is quickly catching up. So guess what – I’m the oxymoron that’s stuck in this catch 22 – yay me.
Monday, February 20, 2006
To love..
is to leave oneself open to pain.
Romantic or otherwise, the conclusion is crystal: every love ends in tragedy, because one of the lovers must die. That's Hemingway paraphrased.
Smart man. Knew much. Spoke less. And somehow, captured life beautifully.
--::--
tonight, it plagues me because I've got mortality on my mind and lead for feet. It keeps playing the same ole broken record - over and over and over again.
--::--
fear.what else is new?
fades to black.
Romantic or otherwise, the conclusion is crystal: every love ends in tragedy, because one of the lovers must die. That's Hemingway paraphrased.
Smart man. Knew much. Spoke less. And somehow, captured life beautifully.
--::--
tonight, it plagues me because I've got mortality on my mind and lead for feet. It keeps playing the same ole broken record - over and over and over again.
--::--
fear.what else is new?
fades to black.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Cringe-worthy
When the walls that surround your world, start to close in - that's when you realize the importance of the intangible that guides reason. Today, i hope that I find this elusive bird that brings peace on its wings.
Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.
--Rabindranath Tagore
Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.
--Rabindranath Tagore
Saturday, February 18, 2006
I know...I wish...I hope
inspired by lil niki whose got a surprisingly big heart!
--::--
I Live: in Toronto, Canada (land of the losing jays & phallic monuments)
I Work: in Corporate Communications – my creativity hasn’t quite left the building yet.
I Talk: non-freakin-stop
I Wish: for pure bliss to envelope the ones I adore.
I Enjoy: being loved.
I Look: like a little teapot – short and stout – (scary? Rama actually sang it – that’s scarier)
I'm sure: that there’s someone up there rooting for all of us.
I Find: that I’m still nursing the remnants of my vain and superficial past.
I Smell: like I’m Live, and charged. (bad puns aside: usually I smell like coco butter)
I Listen: to my dad secretly. I’d hate for him to think that I ‘follow’ his words ;)
I Hide: my insecurities quite well. Unfortunately, that’s all I seem to be able to hide.
I Pray: more than I thought I ever would in my youth.
I Walk: because nobody will carry me. I remember a time when walking was fun.
I Write: almost as much as I breathe.
I See: with my heart more than my eyes.
I Sing: off key – any and every chance I get.
I Laugh: and sometimes, even snort.
I love: my books and shoes. Oh and sometimes, my friends and family ;)
I can: make myself believe ANYTHING. (scary innit?)
I Watch: what I say to certain people – because the truth is hard to handle.
I Learn: on a daily basis just by being alive.
I Dream: more than one person should – and morosely, my dreams evolve.
I Want: to be the Brain. Any takers for Pinky?
I Cry: too freakin much these days – I think im menopausing or something.
I Burn: myself by loving too much, too fast, too often.
I Read: and worship the written word – in any avatar.
I Sometimes: wish I could change everything for the one’s I love. Most times, I just wish I had a Cadbury cream egg.
I Touch: because my fingers are rebellious as my cerebrum is.
I Hurt: when the one’s I love don’t love me as much.
I Fear: failure. Without a doubt.
I Hope: that my sisters experience the bliss that I chase so single-mindedly.
I Break: people’s hearts unwittingly. I used to always get accused of that in my youth.
I Eat: more than I should but less than I can.
I Quit: where should I start? Guitar, piano, the gym, smoking, optimism – all of em – gone.
I Bathe: Who has the time for that? I shower like a rockstar.
I Drink: copious amounts of caffiene and water.
I Save: words in the crevices of my mind. And sometimes, it’s the evil things that people say.
I Hug: the ones that need it the most. I used to be touch-phobic when I was little. Now, it’s quite the opposite.
I Meditate: more than I did in previous lifetimes.
I Play: this game of hide and seek with my dreams.
I Miss: my grandma and the innocence of walking barefeet alongside rail tracks in Colombo.
I Hold: the ones I love close to my heart.
I Forgive: but I never forget.
I Drive: an Antelope. No, no – I wish I drove an Antelope. I drive a civic – see how sometimes the truth - sucks?!
I Have: nothing that I will take with me when I leave.
I Don't: understand people without manners or dreams.
I Made: my sisters do everything for me when they were young. Now, they’ve flipped the script on my behind!
I Kiss: the ground at the temple and the cheeks of many in my life.
I Believe: that some of us are blessed enough to radiate nothing but goodness - I'm blessed to know many such people.
I Owe: so much to everyone for so many things. I’ve stopped counting and hopefully, they have too.
I Feel: like a one-winged bird sometimes but then I look across the room and realize that I come from a strong flock of air-defenders.
I Know: that this life is too short for regrets and too long to give up the things that bring you joy.
--
And my own additions:
I chew: each mouthful, carefully.
I will: make a difference in someone's life by writing something profound- one day.
I am: the answer to many of the questions that plague me.
I remember: the kindness of strangers and the thoughtfulness of those I love.
I'm grateful: for being alive.
--
that's all folks.
have a safe and happy weekend.
--::--
I Live: in Toronto, Canada (land of the losing jays & phallic monuments)
I Work: in Corporate Communications – my creativity hasn’t quite left the building yet.
I Talk: non-freakin-stop
I Wish: for pure bliss to envelope the ones I adore.
I Enjoy: being loved.
I Look: like a little teapot – short and stout – (scary? Rama actually sang it – that’s scarier)
I'm sure: that there’s someone up there rooting for all of us.
I Find: that I’m still nursing the remnants of my vain and superficial past.
I Smell: like I’m Live, and charged. (bad puns aside: usually I smell like coco butter)
I Listen: to my dad secretly. I’d hate for him to think that I ‘follow’ his words ;)
I Hide: my insecurities quite well. Unfortunately, that’s all I seem to be able to hide.
I Pray: more than I thought I ever would in my youth.
I Walk: because nobody will carry me. I remember a time when walking was fun.
I Write: almost as much as I breathe.
I See: with my heart more than my eyes.
I Sing: off key – any and every chance I get.
I Laugh: and sometimes, even snort.
I love: my books and shoes. Oh and sometimes, my friends and family ;)
I can: make myself believe ANYTHING. (scary innit?)
I Watch: what I say to certain people – because the truth is hard to handle.
I Learn: on a daily basis just by being alive.
I Dream: more than one person should – and morosely, my dreams evolve.
I Want: to be the Brain. Any takers for Pinky?
I Cry: too freakin much these days – I think im menopausing or something.
I Burn: myself by loving too much, too fast, too often.
I Read: and worship the written word – in any avatar.
I Sometimes: wish I could change everything for the one’s I love. Most times, I just wish I had a Cadbury cream egg.
I Touch: because my fingers are rebellious as my cerebrum is.
I Hurt: when the one’s I love don’t love me as much.
I Fear: failure. Without a doubt.
I Hope: that my sisters experience the bliss that I chase so single-mindedly.
I Break: people’s hearts unwittingly. I used to always get accused of that in my youth.
I Eat: more than I should but less than I can.
I Quit: where should I start? Guitar, piano, the gym, smoking, optimism – all of em – gone.
I Bathe: Who has the time for that? I shower like a rockstar.
I Drink: copious amounts of caffiene and water.
I Save: words in the crevices of my mind. And sometimes, it’s the evil things that people say.
I Hug: the ones that need it the most. I used to be touch-phobic when I was little. Now, it’s quite the opposite.
I Meditate: more than I did in previous lifetimes.
I Play: this game of hide and seek with my dreams.
I Miss: my grandma and the innocence of walking barefeet alongside rail tracks in Colombo.
I Hold: the ones I love close to my heart.
I Forgive: but I never forget.
I Drive: an Antelope. No, no – I wish I drove an Antelope. I drive a civic – see how sometimes the truth - sucks?!
I Have: nothing that I will take with me when I leave.
I Don't: understand people without manners or dreams.
I Made: my sisters do everything for me when they were young. Now, they’ve flipped the script on my behind!
I Kiss: the ground at the temple and the cheeks of many in my life.
I Believe: that some of us are blessed enough to radiate nothing but goodness - I'm blessed to know many such people.
I Owe: so much to everyone for so many things. I’ve stopped counting and hopefully, they have too.
I Feel: like a one-winged bird sometimes but then I look across the room and realize that I come from a strong flock of air-defenders.
I Know: that this life is too short for regrets and too long to give up the things that bring you joy.
--
And my own additions:
I chew: each mouthful, carefully.
I will: make a difference in someone's life by writing something profound- one day.
I am: the answer to many of the questions that plague me.
I remember: the kindness of strangers and the thoughtfulness of those I love.
I'm grateful: for being alive.
--
that's all folks.
have a safe and happy weekend.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
I heart....
(keeping with the spirit of St.Valentine...here is my Feb 14 06 list of things/people I'm feelin' in no particular order...)
early morning bus rides....vivid orange gerberas...raspberry chocolate coffee....Rama's ceaseless 4am alarm....Rama...my comforter....elepoo....the moment fire touches thiri in our pooja room...Amma at 5am...sunshine...the smell of sunlight on my clothes...Appa when he's grumpy...Rashmi when she's not...seedless cucumbers...big ole sunkist oranges...Tridents Vanilla-Mint Splash...laying on mikeys arm...the smell of sweat on sparks...Rammy's crazy laugh...Fallen by Sarah...old friends...Second Cup dates...a long romantic date with java and a book...orange bedrooms and work spaces...Trixie chasing her own tail...friends who are more like family...phone calls that connect the divide...blogs that motivate...flogs that reaffirm life's goodness...friends i've never met...friends i need to meet more often...cradling pudgy rakshaa...wedding emails from Mich...orange waterbottles...blistex...black pens…yogurt...to do lists (though they never get done)...mikey (annoyed or otherwise)...Verdana in a 10pt size...the smell of musky books...SJP in SATC...girlfriends to giggle with...laughter ( i need more of this)...coming up with excuses for not working out...all night dates...long conversations...pomegranates…stories (bed time or not)...presents...David sedaris...taking pictures of everything...Winners...waking up every morning...milk hoppers...motivational e-mails...being so blessed...brown people…things that sparkle...my iPod...coming home...me.
early morning bus rides....vivid orange gerberas...raspberry chocolate coffee....Rama's ceaseless 4am alarm....Rama...my comforter....elepoo....the moment fire touches thiri in our pooja room...Amma at 5am...sunshine...the smell of sunlight on my clothes...Appa when he's grumpy...Rashmi when she's not...seedless cucumbers...big ole sunkist oranges...Tridents Vanilla-Mint Splash...laying on mikeys arm...the smell of sweat on sparks...Rammy's crazy laugh...Fallen by Sarah...old friends...Second Cup dates...a long romantic date with java and a book...orange bedrooms and work spaces...Trixie chasing her own tail...friends who are more like family...phone calls that connect the divide...blogs that motivate...flogs that reaffirm life's goodness...friends i've never met...friends i need to meet more often...cradling pudgy rakshaa...wedding emails from Mich...orange waterbottles...blistex...black pens…yogurt...to do lists (though they never get done)...mikey (annoyed or otherwise)...Verdana in a 10pt size...the smell of musky books...SJP in SATC...girlfriends to giggle with...laughter ( i need more of this)...coming up with excuses for not working out...all night dates...long conversations...pomegranates…stories (bed time or not)...presents...David sedaris...taking pictures of everything...Winners...waking up every morning...milk hoppers...motivational e-mails...being so blessed...brown people…things that sparkle...my iPod...coming home...me.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
The alphabet
the way it should've been written.
--::--
A is for Age:
25…but I’ve celebrated that anniversary three times ;)
B is for Booze of choice:
Vodka preferably mixed with some cranberryesque
C is for Career:
Well C should be for change because that’s pretty much defined my career so far – the only constant is the written word.
D is for your Dog's name:
Sparky..plung…pulee…my hyperactive lil crap-factory
E is for Essential items you use every day:
cell phone, blistex, iPod
F is for Favorite song at the moment:
Collide – Howie Day (don’t laugh..i could be mushy)
G is for favorite Games:
Scrabble
H is for Hometown:
Toronto, Ontario
I is for Instruments you play:
Guitar at 7 – got one, then quit. Piano in my teens – then quit. Flute for a semester.
J is for Jam or Jelly you like:
Raspberry chunks…yummmers…no sugar added of course.
K is for Kids:
Maybe later – thanks.
L is for Last kiss:
Mikey (urgh, the bane of being in a long term relationship is never having multiple last kisses)
M is for Most admired trait:
flirtatiousness….huh! and that was from Rama – so…guess I don’t really have a most admired trait (note to self: get one pronto)
Most admired by others:
my intelligence (hehe) – okay fine, I guess they’d think I’m quite gregarious.
N is for Name of your crush:
Do girls count ?
D’Angelo….but, only in that one video – ladies, you know the one I’m referring to.
O is for Overnight hospital stays:
a couple times…but I just stuck around for the really bad coffee
P is for phobias:
failure, failure and more failure – not just a phobia but a paralyzing fear. That and amounting to nothing.
Q is for quotes you like:
If you think you can – you can. If you think you can’t – you probably won’t.
R is for biggest Regret:
I should’ve slept more in my youth – especially during university – I’m starting to feel the lack of sleep catching up.
S is for Sweets of your choice:
Umm..where should I begin and how many days do you have? Unfortunately, I’ve been cut off.
T is for Time you wake up:
5:00am
U is for Underwear:
all the time, thank you.
V is for Vegetable you love:
corn on the cob, broccoli, eggplant, okra, spinach & daal
W is for Worst Habit:
expecting the worst, procrastinating
X is for X-rays you've had:
atleast 4 or 5
Y is for Yummy food you make:
Good butter chicken, a mean lasagna and the best: a really yummy cup of joe!
Z is for Zodiac sign:
Cusp: libra/scorpio. If you ask a tamil astrologer – I’m a pisces. GO figure
--::--
strangely, this exercise was a moment of introspection.
woah. i think i need a hug.
--::--
A is for Age:
25…but I’ve celebrated that anniversary three times ;)
B is for Booze of choice:
Vodka preferably mixed with some cranberryesque
C is for Career:
Well C should be for change because that’s pretty much defined my career so far – the only constant is the written word.
D is for your Dog's name:
Sparky..plung…pulee…my hyperactive lil crap-factory
E is for Essential items you use every day:
cell phone, blistex, iPod
F is for Favorite song at the moment:
Collide – Howie Day (don’t laugh..i could be mushy)
G is for favorite Games:
Scrabble
H is for Hometown:
Toronto, Ontario
I is for Instruments you play:
Guitar at 7 – got one, then quit. Piano in my teens – then quit. Flute for a semester.
J is for Jam or Jelly you like:
Raspberry chunks…yummmers…no sugar added of course.
K is for Kids:
Maybe later – thanks.
L is for Last kiss:
Mikey (urgh, the bane of being in a long term relationship is never having multiple last kisses)
M is for Most admired trait:
flirtatiousness….huh! and that was from Rama – so…guess I don’t really have a most admired trait (note to self: get one pronto)
Most admired by others:
my intelligence (hehe) – okay fine, I guess they’d think I’m quite gregarious.
N is for Name of your crush:
Do girls count ?
D’Angelo….but, only in that one video – ladies, you know the one I’m referring to.
O is for Overnight hospital stays:
a couple times…but I just stuck around for the really bad coffee
P is for phobias:
failure, failure and more failure – not just a phobia but a paralyzing fear. That and amounting to nothing.
Q is for quotes you like:
If you think you can – you can. If you think you can’t – you probably won’t.
R is for biggest Regret:
I should’ve slept more in my youth – especially during university – I’m starting to feel the lack of sleep catching up.
S is for Sweets of your choice:
Umm..where should I begin and how many days do you have? Unfortunately, I’ve been cut off.
T is for Time you wake up:
5:00am
U is for Underwear:
all the time, thank you.
V is for Vegetable you love:
corn on the cob, broccoli, eggplant, okra, spinach & daal
W is for Worst Habit:
expecting the worst, procrastinating
X is for X-rays you've had:
atleast 4 or 5
Y is for Yummy food you make:
Good butter chicken, a mean lasagna and the best: a really yummy cup of joe!
Z is for Zodiac sign:
Cusp: libra/scorpio. If you ask a tamil astrologer – I’m a pisces. GO figure
--::--
strangely, this exercise was a moment of introspection.
woah. i think i need a hug.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Blessed Fours
courtesy of sibil.
And Niki - who tagged me. When I wasn't looking - my apologies honey - next time I will practice some much needed mindfulness.
--::--
Four jobs I have had: (oy vey, where do i start)
1. Chuck E Cheese: Hostess which was fun and games until I was forced into Chuck's slimy suit on one ill fated day - i learnt this: kids can be mean spirited brats.
2. RA during my university days for a crotchety old music professor who while a musical genius couldn't stay on top of his research for shiiit.
3. Wedding Events Coordinator : for a local catering company. My first encounter with bridezilla's - probably also the reason I have issues concerning planning my own wedding.
4. Copywhore for an ad agency - looooved it, adored it, ate, drank, lived, shat, breathed it until i woke up and realized it was slowly but surely killing me :(
Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Sound of Music (don't laugh)
2. Love Jones (when i believed i was the next big thing in spoken word)
3. Kannathil Mutham Ittal (an expose on the atrocities that befell tamil folk in SL)
4. 2-way tie- Garden State/Sideways
Four places I've lived :
1. Colombo, Sri Lanka
2. Malaysia
3. London, Englad
4. Toronto, Canada (since four is the limit on this thing)
Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Sex and the City (over and over and over again)
2. Project Runway (im such a fashion-whore)
3. Will & Grace ( old school all the way)
4. 2 way tie: Everybody hates Chris/ Family Guy
Four places I've been on vacation (in loosely translated terms):
1. India - nothing beats the heat and the raw bustle of life.
2. London, England (minus the perpetual visiting of relatives)
3. Montreal, QC (still love it regardless of how domestic it seems)
4. NYC, New York
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Roti and butter chicken
2. Sushi/sashimi/endamme
3. Cadbury cream eggs (what? they were a food group at one time)
4. All things sea foody - cuttlefish/crab/salmon/shark/lobster...yum.
Four places I'd rather be right now (also, preferrably alone or with Rama):
1. Ooty, Coonoor - life was easy piecy there
2. NY - overlooking central park
3. London - getting lost in bustling crowds
4. Colombo - sunshine, waves, white sand, a world of culture wafting through
Four sites I visit daily:
1. Google
2. Rogers
3. Blog/Floglines
4. Frugal Bride (okay almost every other day)
Four peeps I am tagging:
1. Pri-pri (she fascinates me)
2. Bears (cuz why not!)
3. Taby (cuz I'd love to know more)
4. Chet (i still don't know too much about him - but im sure he won't touch this with a 10 ft pole)
-::-
that's all folks.
And Niki - who tagged me. When I wasn't looking - my apologies honey - next time I will practice some much needed mindfulness.
--::--
Four jobs I have had: (oy vey, where do i start)
1. Chuck E Cheese: Hostess which was fun and games until I was forced into Chuck's slimy suit on one ill fated day - i learnt this: kids can be mean spirited brats.
2. RA during my university days for a crotchety old music professor who while a musical genius couldn't stay on top of his research for shiiit.
3. Wedding Events Coordinator : for a local catering company. My first encounter with bridezilla's - probably also the reason I have issues concerning planning my own wedding.
4. Copywhore for an ad agency - looooved it, adored it, ate, drank, lived, shat, breathed it until i woke up and realized it was slowly but surely killing me :(
Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Sound of Music (don't laugh)
2. Love Jones (when i believed i was the next big thing in spoken word)
3. Kannathil Mutham Ittal (an expose on the atrocities that befell tamil folk in SL)
4. 2-way tie- Garden State/Sideways
Four places I've lived :
1. Colombo, Sri Lanka
2. Malaysia
3. London, Englad
4. Toronto, Canada (since four is the limit on this thing)
Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Sex and the City (over and over and over again)
2. Project Runway (im such a fashion-whore)
3. Will & Grace ( old school all the way)
4. 2 way tie: Everybody hates Chris/ Family Guy
Four places I've been on vacation (in loosely translated terms):
1. India - nothing beats the heat and the raw bustle of life.
2. London, England (minus the perpetual visiting of relatives)
3. Montreal, QC (still love it regardless of how domestic it seems)
4. NYC, New York
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Roti and butter chicken
2. Sushi/sashimi/endamme
3. Cadbury cream eggs (what? they were a food group at one time)
4. All things sea foody - cuttlefish/crab/salmon/shark/lobster...yum.
Four places I'd rather be right now (also, preferrably alone or with Rama):
1. Ooty, Coonoor - life was easy piecy there
2. NY - overlooking central park
3. London - getting lost in bustling crowds
4. Colombo - sunshine, waves, white sand, a world of culture wafting through
Four sites I visit daily:
1. Google
2. Rogers
3. Blog/Floglines
4. Frugal Bride (okay almost every other day)
Four peeps I am tagging:
1. Pri-pri (she fascinates me)
2. Bears (cuz why not!)
3. Taby (cuz I'd love to know more)
4. Chet (i still don't know too much about him - but im sure he won't touch this with a 10 ft pole)
-::-
that's all folks.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Succinct
and just plain pithy.
sorry folks - this entry is sans pretty words, thought-provoking concepts or paradigm shifting ideologies...heck, it doesn't even contain the regular jana-ridden rant. This entry is merely a glorified thank you.
--:::--
A huge fan of grossly textured words, I am thrilled to drop some much needed literal screaming on this page. Rarely does it see oodles of joy and today, I want to congratulate it for keeping me sane.
You see, having to be accountable to myself in writing was most definitely a motivator in finding a job. Yup, notice how I slipped that in. I am (insert drumroll here) gainfully employed. Well, I will be gainfully employed as of Wednesday.
Maybe those pesky little disappointments that helped me ring the new year in were just humps of bad fortune I had to surf through – and while it was hard as hell, I am definitely grateful for having had the opportunity to nurture my elephantine skin.
So blog – I propose to continue using, abusing and leaving my mark upon you as often and as much as possible. Perhaps you will be that much needed companion as I crawl through planning weddings and planning forevers. Or perhaps that personal trainer who’ll undoubtedly kick my butt by wielding the threat of coming embarrassments.
Either way, you’ll be around and present which is yet another thing, I’m thankful for.
---:::---
Amen to the written word.
sorry folks - this entry is sans pretty words, thought-provoking concepts or paradigm shifting ideologies...heck, it doesn't even contain the regular jana-ridden rant. This entry is merely a glorified thank you.
--:::--
A huge fan of grossly textured words, I am thrilled to drop some much needed literal screaming on this page. Rarely does it see oodles of joy and today, I want to congratulate it for keeping me sane.
You see, having to be accountable to myself in writing was most definitely a motivator in finding a job. Yup, notice how I slipped that in. I am (insert drumroll here) gainfully employed. Well, I will be gainfully employed as of Wednesday.
Maybe those pesky little disappointments that helped me ring the new year in were just humps of bad fortune I had to surf through – and while it was hard as hell, I am definitely grateful for having had the opportunity to nurture my elephantine skin.
So blog – I propose to continue using, abusing and leaving my mark upon you as often and as much as possible. Perhaps you will be that much needed companion as I crawl through planning weddings and planning forevers. Or perhaps that personal trainer who’ll undoubtedly kick my butt by wielding the threat of coming embarrassments.
Either way, you’ll be around and present which is yet another thing, I’m thankful for.
---:::---
Amen to the written word.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Prepare yourself..
for honey pots and saccharine words. Enchanted forests and friends who don't stray too far. Today, i'm feeling a little like a yellow cuddly trooper and a lot less like the underdog.
word to the wise:stop reading and turn away right now if you find Pooh and his friends nauseating - because today I'm basking in 'The wisdom of the Pooh'.
--:::--
Dedicated to my dear good friend Rama because nothing could be truer than this sentiment:
"If you live to be 100, I hope to live to be 100 minus 1 day so i never have to live without you". - Pooh (no duh)
--:::--
Dedicated to the me that hides behind the bravado:
"Remember: You're braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. And Smarter than you think". - Christopher Robin-Winnie the Pooh
--::--
I suppose all will not be right in the world of dedications if this one didn't go out to my most favorite stranger (mikes):
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh," he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”
--::--
And of course to my fam - this one is perrrfect because regardless of what Im doing, THIS is what i'm thinking:
“"I wonder what Piglet is doing," thought Pooh.
"I wish I were there to be doing it, too."
- Winnie the Pooh”
--::--
*sigh*
"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
Pooh is right. For a bear with little brain he speaks big truths.
--::--
I too, as will all of you, get there some day :)
word to the wise:stop reading and turn away right now if you find Pooh and his friends nauseating - because today I'm basking in 'The wisdom of the Pooh'.
--:::--
Dedicated to my dear good friend Rama because nothing could be truer than this sentiment:
"If you live to be 100, I hope to live to be 100 minus 1 day so i never have to live without you". - Pooh (no duh)
--:::--
Dedicated to the me that hides behind the bravado:
"Remember: You're braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. And Smarter than you think". - Christopher Robin-Winnie the Pooh
--::--
I suppose all will not be right in the world of dedications if this one didn't go out to my most favorite stranger (mikes):
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh," he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”
--::--
And of course to my fam - this one is perrrfect because regardless of what Im doing, THIS is what i'm thinking:
“"I wonder what Piglet is doing," thought Pooh.
"I wish I were there to be doing it, too."
- Winnie the Pooh”
--::--
*sigh*
"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
Pooh is right. For a bear with little brain he speaks big truths.
--::--
I too, as will all of you, get there some day :)
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Crazy in love...
or just plain crazy?
somehow - today feels like the latter.
--:::---
A sweetly melodic voice, amidst the collective noise of the everyday, infiltrates my childhood memories. It haunts me. I was never one for fairytale romances or traditionalist affairs - and yet, before I waltzed into adulthood, I too was privy to the thoughts of lil’ girls as explained by big ones.
‘Sugar and spice and everything nice’ – that’s how it all began. Those were the magic words that flung open a Pandora’s box of estrogenized dreams.
Helllooo pink ribbons and frilly frocks.
It was something my grandma used to constantly say while chunky little me hid behind headboards, on balcony’s and voraciously devoured inappropriate reading material. I think I was 4 when i cracked open my first harlequin (my Lit professor of a grandmother was quite the fan of verbal naughtiness) and while I didn't quite grasp the literal translations...i got the gist.
There was something that these girls made of sugar and spice and everything nice looked forward to as they aged - gracefully or otherwise. An inexplicable feeling that involved another person – another person preferably of the opposite sex. Bedtime stories of white knights and happily ever afters ended as I trod into the world of adult romance. And she used to reassure me that one day - he would arrive – my version of a knight on a brazen horse- and I would be crazy in love.
Quite frankly, I thought her to be quite crazy.
Crazy in love? Or crazy because of love?
Gosh, what did that mean to a five year old?
What did that even mean to a 52 year old? A woman who had created her romantic fantasies in her cerebrum while living a poor imitation of them in her reality. I couldn't project at 5. I didn't realize that once upon a time ( a long long long time ago ) she too was much like me. Young, hungry and unaffected by this thing called love.
Ahh...to be but on that plump lap bouncing with joy to the cadence of sunsets in sri lanka. I would give an arm, a leg and possibly half a torso to relive those moments. Perfection. Ironic isn't it? I barely knew what perfection meant and I was living it. These days, these days are a far cry from those yesteryears - where life was simple, easy and pure as newborn pudgesicles.
--
why the reminiscing? today for the first time, i sat down all by my lonesome to embark on those first steps towards planning a multi-cultural, bi-religious, dual-ethnic wedding. A wedding that would have painted joy in autumn colours on my grandma's face.
I look like her you know. R looks like mom. And lil R looks like my dads mom. But only I - of all our cousins made of the same dirt - only I resemble her. Just me. One in a sea of 6, in an ocean of countless faces - i look in the mirror and i see her. Yet, I can't even remember what she'd want for my wedding. And this pains me to no end. Searching for something more profound, I'm trying to turn back the hands of my memories but sadly to no avail.
It feels incomplete. Today, I felt incomplete. I missed her. I missed her hand stroking my hair, urging me to knot the end of her dupatta, reminding me to make a wish as the sun set, reveling in my newest imaginary adventure and assuring me that one day - prince charming will arrive - even for rambunctious me.
Funny, guess the memo didn’t make it all the way to adulthood. Perhaps we should’ve made the same wish with an identical knot at every sun set. Because sure - Prince charming came. And left. Then his brother rolled by. Followed by cousins, distant relatives, friends, acquaintances and heck, even neighbors. And yet - all those experiments and not one of them were ‘for me’. I seem to have sampled everyone’s prince charming and still hadn’t stumbled on the one earmarked with a ‘j’.
Except for this one guy that I initially didn’t even fathom in that capacity.
I wish she had met Mikey. I wish she had gotten a chance to read him by first glance. To have looked him up and down and assessed his self worth and his intentions by a simple smile. I wish she could tell me what I should be looking out for, educating me as I embark on this process, and making sure that I don't discount any traditions - cultural or familial.
My folks are waaay too easy going. I know, I’m a nutcase for complaining. But honestly, they don't care about rusty ole traditions that creek in annoyance and disturb the peace. They're trying not to be intrusive. Trying to let me garnish this wedding with my own personality...and honestly, i hate it.
I wish they would storm in and tell me what needs to be done (fear. sloth. or both?)She would've. The one who introduced me to words, who taught me how to extend my own boundaries, to have opinions and voice them as such - she wouldn't have watched out for my contemporary visions or feelings. Straight or sugar coated : that was her motto – if it was the latter, you were shit out of luck because even her sugar came with a tinge of screw face inducing sour.
And today i needed that. I needed someone who had a vision in their minds eye - i needed her jasmine scented skin comfortably resting on mine.
--
this post probably makes no sense at all to the average person - my apologies. it was waiting to be purged - unedited, unrevised, uncrafted. While it shames the writer in me – this nervously twitching rhetoric calms my irrational fear of the unknown. A whole lot of question marks exist between these lines and breathe between the spaces of these words.
Periods don’t just end sentences they act as springboards for new ones. Sleep is a necessity and perhaps with it – tranquility will arrive. Neatly packaged and organized. I pray for it to take the place of illogically placed thoughts born of childhood logic - a puzzle that I’m certain to struggle with until it’s released into book form.
Such is the art of being…me.
--:::---
See, i told you. Not crazy in love my dearies - just plain ole "certifiably" crazy.
somehow - today feels like the latter.
--:::---
A sweetly melodic voice, amidst the collective noise of the everyday, infiltrates my childhood memories. It haunts me. I was never one for fairytale romances or traditionalist affairs - and yet, before I waltzed into adulthood, I too was privy to the thoughts of lil’ girls as explained by big ones.
‘Sugar and spice and everything nice’ – that’s how it all began. Those were the magic words that flung open a Pandora’s box of estrogenized dreams.
Helllooo pink ribbons and frilly frocks.
It was something my grandma used to constantly say while chunky little me hid behind headboards, on balcony’s and voraciously devoured inappropriate reading material. I think I was 4 when i cracked open my first harlequin (my Lit professor of a grandmother was quite the fan of verbal naughtiness) and while I didn't quite grasp the literal translations...i got the gist.
There was something that these girls made of sugar and spice and everything nice looked forward to as they aged - gracefully or otherwise. An inexplicable feeling that involved another person – another person preferably of the opposite sex. Bedtime stories of white knights and happily ever afters ended as I trod into the world of adult romance. And she used to reassure me that one day - he would arrive – my version of a knight on a brazen horse- and I would be crazy in love.
Quite frankly, I thought her to be quite crazy.
Crazy in love? Or crazy because of love?
Gosh, what did that mean to a five year old?
What did that even mean to a 52 year old? A woman who had created her romantic fantasies in her cerebrum while living a poor imitation of them in her reality. I couldn't project at 5. I didn't realize that once upon a time ( a long long long time ago ) she too was much like me. Young, hungry and unaffected by this thing called love.
Ahh...to be but on that plump lap bouncing with joy to the cadence of sunsets in sri lanka. I would give an arm, a leg and possibly half a torso to relive those moments. Perfection. Ironic isn't it? I barely knew what perfection meant and I was living it. These days, these days are a far cry from those yesteryears - where life was simple, easy and pure as newborn pudgesicles.
--
why the reminiscing? today for the first time, i sat down all by my lonesome to embark on those first steps towards planning a multi-cultural, bi-religious, dual-ethnic wedding. A wedding that would have painted joy in autumn colours on my grandma's face.
I look like her you know. R looks like mom. And lil R looks like my dads mom. But only I - of all our cousins made of the same dirt - only I resemble her. Just me. One in a sea of 6, in an ocean of countless faces - i look in the mirror and i see her. Yet, I can't even remember what she'd want for my wedding. And this pains me to no end. Searching for something more profound, I'm trying to turn back the hands of my memories but sadly to no avail.
It feels incomplete. Today, I felt incomplete. I missed her. I missed her hand stroking my hair, urging me to knot the end of her dupatta, reminding me to make a wish as the sun set, reveling in my newest imaginary adventure and assuring me that one day - prince charming will arrive - even for rambunctious me.
Funny, guess the memo didn’t make it all the way to adulthood. Perhaps we should’ve made the same wish with an identical knot at every sun set. Because sure - Prince charming came. And left. Then his brother rolled by. Followed by cousins, distant relatives, friends, acquaintances and heck, even neighbors. And yet - all those experiments and not one of them were ‘for me’. I seem to have sampled everyone’s prince charming and still hadn’t stumbled on the one earmarked with a ‘j’.
Except for this one guy that I initially didn’t even fathom in that capacity.
I wish she had met Mikey. I wish she had gotten a chance to read him by first glance. To have looked him up and down and assessed his self worth and his intentions by a simple smile. I wish she could tell me what I should be looking out for, educating me as I embark on this process, and making sure that I don't discount any traditions - cultural or familial.
My folks are waaay too easy going. I know, I’m a nutcase for complaining. But honestly, they don't care about rusty ole traditions that creek in annoyance and disturb the peace. They're trying not to be intrusive. Trying to let me garnish this wedding with my own personality...and honestly, i hate it.
I wish they would storm in and tell me what needs to be done (fear. sloth. or both?)She would've. The one who introduced me to words, who taught me how to extend my own boundaries, to have opinions and voice them as such - she wouldn't have watched out for my contemporary visions or feelings. Straight or sugar coated : that was her motto – if it was the latter, you were shit out of luck because even her sugar came with a tinge of screw face inducing sour.
And today i needed that. I needed someone who had a vision in their minds eye - i needed her jasmine scented skin comfortably resting on mine.
--
this post probably makes no sense at all to the average person - my apologies. it was waiting to be purged - unedited, unrevised, uncrafted. While it shames the writer in me – this nervously twitching rhetoric calms my irrational fear of the unknown. A whole lot of question marks exist between these lines and breathe between the spaces of these words.
Periods don’t just end sentences they act as springboards for new ones. Sleep is a necessity and perhaps with it – tranquility will arrive. Neatly packaged and organized. I pray for it to take the place of illogically placed thoughts born of childhood logic - a puzzle that I’m certain to struggle with until it’s released into book form.
Such is the art of being…me.
--:::---
See, i told you. Not crazy in love my dearies - just plain ole "certifiably" crazy.
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