Slurp

Lick. Lick. Lick. Stop.

A mouth-watering medley of random moments captured in its purest form. One plus one equals one, especially when both co-dependent entities share one navel attaching human twine. Made from the same dirt like renditions of Van Gogh that can merely be imitated but never really duplicated. I have that. Sheltered and protected like a secret stash of soul food, nestled away in hard to locate regions of my life. And when I have days where the joy outweighs the pain or vice versa – I burrow deep to unearth my hidden treasure.

Today, I had a Friday – kinda epiphany glazed with sundrops thanks to Mama Spring and her dutiful herons. It arrived virtually. For the first time ever – as in EVER EVER – I felt like Mikes was my own. Not the same as what I described above (nothing can touch that relation of the soul) but similar enough to shrink the distance that separates two strangers. What did he do to deserve this promotion? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. It was fleeting. A mere thoughtlet that brought a smile to my lips and touched the corners of my eyes. And in that moment I felt the onion-layer effect.

This relationship, our relationship, has been just that. A gradual process of revealing layers – physical, emotional and psychological. Slowly we undress in front of each other under bright life-permeating lights– playing a celestial game of de-masking the soul. And oftentimes, I find this grating a process (read: nails on a chalk board) while I’m sure he barely notices the intricacies of this dance. Peeling back all the fronts that we cultivate through life is hard work, far more back breaking than casual relationships with friends who come with unmentionable benefits. Life long loving is tough. Yet today, it felt effortless. I’ve nursed this burgeoning excitement all day. Not because we plan to cause a ruckus tonight, or heck even get into anything super-exciting but, simply because I’ll get to see him. Hanging out with him far exceeds a “Pretty Woman”esque romantic date with any other stranger – and I adore that. Today, I feel like he’s one step closer to being my family. Not quite there yet but, heck he’s certainly not stuck at the bottom of the ladder anymore.

It’s quite fascinating how a person can go from merely mattering to having a profound effect on your life in nanoseconds. Something happens that changes the energy that surrounds your relationship and suddenly – you are caught in a whirlwind. Déjà vu – our first date was reminiscent of this. At the beginning of the evening almost three years ago, I couldn’t wait for our date to end. And somewhere between watching an independent film, indulging in chocolate toast and bubble tea and a chilly walk through a bustling uptown street – something changed. He planted his lips firmly on mine and breathed life to a brand new rishtha (relationship) that has stood the test of time and temperament.

Why this sudden introspection regarding the one thing I don’t worry about too often? Perhaps its our approaching anniversary (april 11) or perhaps its the ring finger on my left hand finally saying: I get it. I do. I do. I do.

Knowledge is power people. Especially when you begin to know yourself. It definitely lives on the list of yummiest moments in my life, thus far.

Have a good weekend.

Hide & Seek

that's the game I tend to play with my heart. Often they start in the darkness of night, when nobody is watching and no one is accountable for getting lost or getting found. I find that I lose myself in the day. Between tasks, thoughts, trials, tribulations, trails that never end and I toil like the day never began.

On most days, i wish that darkness would stay a little longer. To fortify my childlike soul, constantly fighting against the flow. Reality is merely that - real. Momentary. Fleeting. Unyielding. Unsatisfactory. Permanent. Nothing you do can be undone because it disappears as waves do, silently - marklessly. If you blink too long, you might end up missing all of it.

And that's where I am, today. An eternal blink where my pupils hide behind fearful reefs - unceremoniously avoiding the piercing gaze of life. Raw. Why must anything powerful come with change? What happened to unicorns with pale shimmery wings and the magic forest with the promise of hide and never be found?

It's there. Nestled somewhere inbetween who I am and what I've learnt through the course of this life - it's there. In hiding. Incognito. Still waiting to be found.

3...2...1.

Damn, its still coming up short.

One instance

when stealing rocks.

I found this on malvado's page (a fellow flogger) as his descriptive blurb. And I couldn't help but think that this is what ALL OF US should be aiming for. F*ck being safe. F*ck playing it conservative. If all we have is one chance, lets turn this muthaf*#kin' place out!

Hopefully, he won't mind me posting his words of wisdom!

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"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out , and loudly proclaiming...WOW, that was one hell of a ride!"

Miniscule

On some days, that’s how this life feels. Small, manageable, easy to clean up and put away. Unfortunately, I haven’t had one of those days in quite a while. Lately, things have been changing all around me and being the water sign that I am, I tend to ebb, flow and change directions simply by being alive.

Breathe in. Breathe out. A mantra or a forced reminder?

On a good day, it feels like someone’s sitting on the remote that controls my life and their ass cheek hit the fast forward button on my existence. Super sonic speeds –enough to make anyone feel like they’re caught in a whirlwind. And I’m starting to realize that I’m only human. (kinda late but hey, better late than never right)

Five things that have changed in 2006:

1.the way I see myself in terms of my career aspirations – juggling balls is the only metaphor that seems to work.

2.the way I see my family – ever since my left hand has been honoured with a ring – I feel even more attached to my family (if that’s possible). I look longingly at each of them, usually at inopportune moments (thereby making myself the butt of their jokes) in fear of leaving and losing. this worries me to no end. everything in life has only proven that marriage complicates matters of the heart. i refuse to let that happen with me. i refuse to be torn from the dirt that i'm made of. and that is my single-minded goal.

3.the way I see mikey – before he was just a boy that I liked hanging out with – now, he’s a boy that I’m willing to live with – and that’s huge. Not at all the romantic fairytale – I see work, work and more back breaking work. In a good way. Loving my family is easy. Loving them every day, unconditionally is damn hard. And now, i'm learning to do that with Mikey. I'm learning to love him unconditionally (not in a hallmark-speak way but in a if you were crippled, i'd still love you way) - sounds harsh? well, atleast its real.

4.the way I interact with “love” – it feels more real now. Surprisingly so. Especially because I always assumed that nothing would change. Now, I look at my growing parivar and I shake my head in apprehension. How am I going to make this work? I don’t know if I have enough love to give to all these extra new people – I can take anything that the people in my family throw at me and now, I’ve gotta add more than a generous helping of resilience to these new loves – in the name of growing pains that is. all i have to travel on is hope and a prayer.

5.my definition of self – a daughter, a sister, a writer, a friend, a girlfriend, a protector, a lifelong learner, a scared almost 30year old on the verge of yet another direction change – my river keeps flowing despite the course it takes. And I keep looking back to make sure that the ones that I love are still there, anchoring me – I’m co-dependent on my family when it comes to defining myself. Pathetic? Maybe so. But, it’s the only way I know how to play this game.

Phew. Exhale.

Thankfully it’s another Friday. The beginning of a weekend sans wedding planning. A weekend where I hope to nurse myself better, kick this flu bug and get in some quality family time. I need it.

Heck, when have I ever not needed more family time???!

Chapters 1-6 of Me

Inspired by the verbally ambidextrous suse - here's the start of my novella. Sadly, its far less interesting than i hoped it would be.
--::--
Enjoy!
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Chapter 1:

Initials: JRR
Middle name: Radha (Blame my grandpa and his Sri Lankan roots)
Date of birth: 10/24
Current location: the Tdot
Height: 5'6 (in my dreams) – 5’3 in reality
Hair length: about there…
Eye color: dark chocolate brown
Piercings: 3 on right ear, 4 on left.

Chapter 2:

Do you live with your parents: yes,yes and yes. Thank heavens I do!

Do you get along with your parents: all the time – so much so that it sickens the general public

Are your parents married/separated/divorced: married – and still in love.

Any siblings: 1 soulmate, 1 good friend, 1 four legged munchkin’ & a divaesque kitty

What pets do you have: a zoo full according to my amma. ( rashmi is a monkey and sparky is a dog and trixie is a cat..and well dad, trust me – you don’t want to know what appa can be )

Chapter 3: Favorites

Ice cream flavor: Orange Sorbet
Season: Summer for sandals, Spring for introspection
Clothing brand: Prada (shhh…I’m still sleeping)
Shampoo/conditioner: Dove (I’ m a sucka for great commercials)
Color: Orange

Chapter 4: Do You ...

Sing in the shower: sometimes – I’ve been known to belt out some made up melodies.

Call people back: if I feel like it but, usually I tend to forget – unless your name is Rama or Appa

Believe in love: the type you have to work at? – hell yes. The @first sight type – not so much.

Sleep on a certain side of the bed: I’ve got a cramped single – the only side it has is the middle.

Wear glasses or contacts: tortoise shell glasses when I’m on the computer.
Have any weird habits: can’t bear to paint my fingernails, I flog and blog – weird enough?

Chapter 5: Have You Ever...

Gone skinny dipping: The last time was with a bunch of people who I happily call my friends now.

Worn braces: never – and you can tell that I was a thumb sucker!

Broken a bone: not that I remember

Had stitches: Yes – a rough episode with some sugar cane – my belly gets me into trouble more often that I’d like to think.

Shoplifted: Once @Kmart (on a dare) – Amma made me return it - They told me never to come back then, they went out of business.

Punched someone in the face: Nope – never had the balls to.

Taken painkillers: You call them painkillers, I call them “get through the day”ers (im joking)

Gone scuba diving: no – I will one day though.

Been stung by a bee: nope.but i got bee-stung lips thanks to my uber pricey lipgloss

Thrown up in a restaurant: yup – 19th birthday was probably the most memorable of the bunch.

Been to overnight camp: yup – couldn’t wait to get out and get back to civilization

Written a letter to Santa Clause: yup – like last christmas - how'd you think i got my pressies?

Had detention: unfortunately yes.

Been called a SLUT/WHORE: nods head- needless to say they never repeated themselves.

Chaper 6: Who/What was the last..

Person to IM you: a friend from work on my sick day off
Person to call you: Rama – yes, I know I live with her
Person you hugged: Rama – yes, I know we are big geeks.
Thing you touched: a pen to jot a message down
Thing you ate: Cornish Hen soup – it’s our traditional “feel better” meal
Drank: water and tea
Thing you said: time to go beddy bye and it’s only 9:00pm

Night!

To leave or not to leave...that was apparently never the question.

Like time-kissed photographs enveloped in sepia tones, there are memories drenched in yesterdays that lurk in the crevices of my cerebrum. A fellow flogger recently experienced the unfortunate passing of a dear friend, someone who made the choice to seek a tomorrow that transcends our reality. And as if on cue, my mind flipped back the calendar to the day that we got home and realized that one of our family friends lost her son to the evil that lurked in the ravine by our condo in the sheltered ‘burbs. Ironic wouldn’t you say? In the quiet of a well pruned area hung a boy – an artists rendition of celestial irony.

It was such an emotionally horrendous experience for everyone involved. I mean, us girls, exchanged knowing looks – fully aware of the darkness that used to scare the living daylights out of us on our walks to school.

Beautiful yet alarmingly quiet. That’s where everything horrendous went down. From dirty ole perv’s who dropped their pants at the mere sighting of a barely grown child, to angry bums who screamed their ailments at the top of their voices sucking back bottles of rye – this ravine was the breeding ground for the unwanted, the irrelevant and the creepy that lived amongst the seemingly well to do crowds. And that’s where it happened.

This kid, barely 18, strategically planned his exit. The cops found internet files detailing painless ways to kiss the angel of death – he must have sifted through his options before he decided to settle on an innocent birch. That night, its branches were bubblewrapped in infamy. Countless search parties, highlighter yellow caution tape, news crews – they all took their turn tumbling through the often “oohd and ahhhd” ravine. Nature, on man’s urging, had taken a life by simply being available. See idle branches, much like idle minds, is no mans friend.

I cried for what felt like days, although I’m certain that it was mere minutes elongated by the hands of a generous clock. Survived by hard working parents who didn’t understand and two sisters who couldn’t understand, he wrote his exit line and pulled the curtains shut – largely unconcerned about his fellow cast members or the audience he left behind.

And cue to the Applause.

You see, that’s always made me wonder one thing: How do you leave, forever, without looking back at the ones that complete you? Forever – understand that this means – today, tomorrow and for the rest of your existence.

The thought of my loved ones interacting with Yama, dancing to his exit tune, kissing the blue tinged lips of the god that rides a bull – heck, it scares the living daylights out of me. Yes I know I’ll survive. Yes I know I’ll be strong. I’ll have friends to hold my hand, walk me through, lend me a shoulder – but, when dusk hits and I’m left alone with haunting thoughts…will any of that matter? Can anything ease the pain of knowing that they won’t be there when you wake up the next morning.

With my own brand of bravado, I always tell myself that things will be fine. Regardless of whose alive and whose not – my life will go on because my dad has raised a daughter who can stand on her own two feet. That I will hold my head up high, march to the tune of my own drummer and survive. And yet, even before the words leave my lips and touches the air that transports it, tears of lead begin to form.

I used to live in fear once that I’d lose someone in my life that meant more to me that I cared to admit. I used to check up on her by standing in her doorway and waiting to see her chest heave signaling her stay in my world. I used to hide sharp objects, diligently watch my words, pray on a daily basis that she wouldn’t be so selfish as to tear my parivar apart and then…something happened. I woke up one morning and realized that I had stopped caring. Not about her – never about her. But, I’d stopped caring about the threat of impending death. How does that cliché go…a dog that barks..never…yeah, you get it. I didn’t care anymore because a part of me expected it and a part of me believed it would never happen.

A throbbing numbness. I was so numb with the constant threat of departure, that I had steeled myself against feeling anything. And that became the fear that chased me – I wonder if matadors feel this way when the bull flips the script, takes control and chases them up and down the stadium….

My seemingly numb emotional state has come to terms with the fact that I can’t beg people to stay. Heck, on a good day, I can’t even get the people I love to understand my point of view and move in the same direction. Things like this scare me but, what scares me more is my ability to move past it and forget the hurt.

I had. It was erased. Completely so. Until my flogfriend shared her experience and unleased tsunami-like waves that reeked of this other weather beaten story. I’ve always had this great propensity for getting over things on the outside– quickly, easily, efficiently.

Sometimes, there’s nothing we can do to alter the outcome of an equation. Sometimes, regardless of how much we pray, how much we hope, wish, and stand on our heads – things will play out the way they were meant to be. And that my dear friends, is scary in and of itself.

A pointless post. Yet, I feel wonderfully relieved and unburdened.

Now if only everything in life came with an easy aside.