stuck in the middle of nothing.

Today has been horrific.

For the first time, in a long long long time, i cried inwardly. Only to realize how effin lonely and pathetic that truly is. It resembles my first months at university - still looks, smells and feels the same. the putrid odour of flying solo.

R&R dropped me off at McCowan this morning. Hours before my special friend and appa would board a plane and revisit our roots. We hugged for what felt like a miniscule eternity, on the street, admist stares - holding back tears.

I got on the RT and rode my route to work in complete shambles.

I know it's a 19 day trip.
I know they're gonna have tones of fun.
I know it will fly by.

but none of these things that i happen to know seem to be enough.
nothing fills this gaping void.

I take comfort knowing that my family is safe in our little haven that is fort 1278.
i take comfort in knowing that Appa is merely a phone call or a shout away.
I take comfort knowing that i will see and speak to R through the course of my day.
these are things that i know yet, i've also taken for granted.

gosh i miss em. and it shows.

its been less than 24 hours and its been brutally tough.
partially because i hadn't really prepared for this feeling of utter loss.
i hadn't fully realized how awful it is to feel this alone.
(yes i know, im not ALL alone - i've got friends and stuff - but whatevs)

overly dramatic? sure it is.
why shouldn't it be?
she's my best friend - sometimes, my only one - and she's continents away for 19 days.

i'll be fine.
i always am. i just have to shake this cloak of misery off.
time will fly - because well, thats how time operates

but today was misery
a memorable sort of misery
the type that grips you and keeps you suspended in time

and i unflinchingly let myself wallow in it.

being strong is something everyone does. so why not be completely weak? takes a stronger person to know exactly where their weakness rests...mine is so obviously my inner circle.

so the moral of the story is:
the grey cloudy part: gosh, i should be an adult about this. a grown woman crying because her sister and dad are on vacation? grrr - its enough to make me grind my teeth in sheer anger.

the silver lining: man, i love hard. i love fully and completely and without abandon.And while i don't love many, the few people i do bring me tremendous joy - and im such a sucker for a moment of happiness.

today has been miserable.
but tomorrow is definitely a new day.

i can barely verbalize, vocalize or rationalize anything on a page right now
im such a mess. torrid and dramatic. that's me.

tomorrow, common sense will ensue.

i promise.

but in the meantime, can i bum some of that valium please?