The musings of a self-prescribed lunatic.

I’m mulling over some ‘made for tv’ estrogen infused lunacy.

After a long and languid walk through the rectangle of chaos: King and Spadina with a friend, I left questioning our collective sanity. You see, after two years of back and forth with a disgusting reptile she fondly calls her ex – she has finally met a man, worthy of verbiage. He’s nice. Italian (so is she), friendly, super-established, passionate about his work, respectful to women and the list of pleasant characteristics go on. So what’s the problem? He’s slightly older, 6 years older than her in fact. And she’s using that as a scape goat.

So the question is as follows:
Are we, as young single hip urbanites, so jaded by our own experiences with all the XY’s in our lives that we would willfully sabotage a seemingly perfect blossoming relationship?

Now to most urban women who are busy building careers and routing their destinies, a nice man is a rarity to find, especially in Toronto. It seems like the number of asshole-egotistical-high maintenance XY’s are far more rampant than the stable-low-key-mellow-i-got-my-shit-together ones. So it’s acknowledged that when you find a dude that treats you with respect, showers you with chivalry and makes you feel like a princess (without stifling you) – he’s a keeper. Sadly, most of us don’t act on what we believe. We’re cynics – some of us wear it on our sleeves and other’s of us feed it in secrecy.

We all have these pre-conditioned notions of what we deserve or don’t. My friend, much like most women, has been through tumultuous relationships in the past. She’s had to be motherly (god bless her because I don’t have the patience for that shit), the stable one, the care taker, the provider and protecter. So obviously, meeting a man that doesn’t require someone to compensate for his lack of character or skills has thrown her for a loop. She’s trying to conjure up issues to poke holes into something that’s blossoming in it’s own innocent perfection.

I seem to know a whole lot of women just like her. Women who subconsciously sabotage themselves with negative self talk. Who willfully (sans clarity) make the game harder to play and thereby harder to win. Who find fault where no fault can be found. Who over-analyze and over-assume the under whelming realities of any situation. Damn, I know a whole lot of women who fuck themselves over by simply trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. Ironic innit? That which you actively avoid is what you inadvertently dole out for yourself by active avoidance.

Brilliance in a nutshell folks.

Thinking back to the way M and I started out, I recall my nervous twitches. Being accustomed to controlling everything in my life, I had to learn how to let things go. He doesn’t appreciate being told what to do (im still learning that), he doesn’t need someone to take care of him, he doesn’t like it when I micromanage our relationship – and these thorns led into heated discussions and wayward arguments. It was hard accepting the fact that he was a genuinely nice guy who has his shit together. An anomaly in my world! And now, he’s spoiled me rotten because I would never settle for anything less.

So the answer seems glaringly simple – yes of course. The human condition dictates that you fear what is unfamiliar and that which you can’t control. But at what cost?

The flip side to that is - do you miss what you’ve never had? Probably not.
And if so, does being open minded even matter?

Sometimes, hiding behind those self-constructed walls perpetuates that condition. So is faith the adequate resolution? Because I’m bloody well tired of the cliche – have a little faith.

Here’s the thing – if anyone knows a doctor in the GTA that can scratch out a prescription for some ez-faith tabs– please drop his/her contact info into my email box.
Because I for one, know at least two other people (apart from myself) that are in dire need of them.

More to follow.

But in the event that it doesn’t – here are two things that I must document.

Sideways: incredible movie – tragically comic. It takes the reality of life and brings each moment and all it’s subtle nuances to gleaming brilliance. An absolute must-see.

Gym: today makes it a week since I’ve had this blasted cold/flu – surely the death of me-viral infection. A week since I’ve worked out. A week since I’ve sweated for ten more minutes. Tomorrow this will change – so watch out flu buglets – ready or not, here I come.

Peace.