Average is just not good enough. Period.

Music: “Wonderwall” by Oasis

Colour: a loud raucous gathering of purple shades!

Mood: restless

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Friday: The day of revolutionaries

After a tough day at work, the familial unit decided to hit Morningside theatres to catch Coach Carter in action. Now, this is one picture film that did the struggle justice. Wrapped in eloquence and hand delivered with good intentions, this movie left me itching with memories of the revolution.

A gut wrenching moment in the dramatic sequence was when one of Carter’s young students finally answers the question he was plagued by: What is your greatest fear?

(Isn’t that just something though? A question dropped so instinctively during the movie is actually the sum parts of the one question that all of us seek to answer. The answer which will finally set us free from all the real and imaginary demons that flutter through our days)

The beautifully written prose cited by that student in response to Carter was originally written by Marianne Williamson in her book “A return to love: Reflections on the Principles of – A course in miracles”. This was also the quote that Nelson Mandela read at his inauguration in 1994, and rightfully so.

Here it is, in its entirety:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is
that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our
darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not
to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the
world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within
us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our
own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do
the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others."

Yup. Wowzers ladies and gentleman. Put me down on the list of people whose very soul rose to touch those words, whose spirit gently fondled it’s self worth – those words are liberating to anyone who has rightfully asked themselves that very same question.

What are you afraid of?

Fear is a powerful motivator. I should know, I’ve raged battles with it my entire life. My life has been defined by the presence or the absence of fear. Everything comes back to square one – and my square one is painted in all the glory of anxiety-ridden nightmares.

1. What if I never amount to anything?
2. What if I do?
3. What if I never find love, joy, and contentment?
4. Fuck, what if I do?

And so on and so forth.

As scary as failure can be, it is success that scares the living daylights out of me. The premise of achieving my dreams, having it all in the palm of my hand to only eventually discover that I don’t know how to give back, pass it on or let it trickle down – kills me. The premise of being utterly content with my patch of grass and not moving forward, absolutely annihilates me.

We are all born with the inimitable strength of perseverance, joy and hope. We are all born to be superstars in our very own existences – we all have the infinite potential to become anything we can imagine for ourselves. Scary innit? And sadly, true. The only thing that separates the physically/emotionally/mentally successful ones from those whose lives are filled with regret – is the process of coming to terms with the power that lies within you.

The greatest fear (in my humble opinion) is figuring out how to release that inner light and then to nurture it to its fullest potential. (I sound like a effin self help book innit)

It’s taken me a ¼ of a century to figure that out and everyday is another learning opportunity (I feel like I’m still in grade 3 in the school of life). Everyday is another opportunity to face that fear – the fear of never fully realizing our self worth or our potential. A fear of lacking the confidence/diligence to actualize that very spirit, which oftentimes renders us paralyzed. A fear of being unable to release light that lives inside the darkness we collectively create for ourselves.

And how relevant is it that Coach Carter aired smack dab in the middle of Black history month. Too many of our young brothers and sisters are foolishly losing themselves in the game created by the system. Humanity was misplaced and in its wake left generational angst to pave the path of the future. For every young black person who succeeds, handfuls surrender themselves to live a life that buys into every prevalent stereotype.

It’s time to cushion that fall. It’s time to lend a hand in support. But more importantly, it’s time for the privileged few to stand up for those who are unable to stand up for themselves. The light is within reach people; it’s time to reclaim it.

The adrenalin left me hyperactive and awake. I’m such a child and M realized that for the gazillionth time. He still loves me though – I’m one lucky lil girl.
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Saturday: sick and at work.

Cocooned in the arms of the ever-popular flu bug, I found solace in M’s arms (after a hideously long day of work). I fell asleep at a ridiculously early hour and once again proved that old age is definitely catching up to me.

I see walkers and a monthly pension cheque in the near future.


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Sunday: pretend days never bode well to relationships built on reality.

M & I decided to celebrate our saccharine sweet love fest today in lieu of the day before St. Valentine did his thang and received his 5 minutes of fame. Needless to say it fell flat on its face and broke it’s sugary nose on hard cold concrete.

Fights are great indicators of how life can truly be with your partner. They speak of communication styles; clash tactics, strategically conjured verbiage and the likes – giving each person enough ammunition to wage war on their collective future.

I like the way M battles it out at the worst of times. Never swearing, never disrespecting, never intentionally trying to injure my personhood or my heart. He gently treads upon my heart, in moments of ire, like a child stomping up stairs and slamming the door in utter disdain. It’s comforting to know that he doesn’t fight dirty because lord only knows, I can. And oftentimes, against my better judgment, I do. I don’t deserve to be loved so wholly but I am tremendously grateful for it.

M, my heart is in your hands to love, adore and keep safe. My soul was born to experience a thousand tumultuous relationships to pleasantly find it’s journey’s end entwined with yours. You will always and forever be the only stranger that I choose to call my family.

And that ladies and gentleman, is quite the compliment coming from the girl who unconditionally loves ONLY her own.

Possessive much? Don’t hate, if you had a family that was perfect in all its imperfections, you’d have some crazy unachievable standards too.

According to the prettiest psychology major in Canada, my lama, I’m still struggling to get out of the toddler phase.
Perhaps one day yea.

But for today, I find my version of saccharine sweet joy in these fleeting moments of truth.